


Learning to Live

by Iisusanii



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Gamer Eren Yeager, Gamer Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, learning to live
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2018-12-29 22:29:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 67,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12094818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iisusanii/pseuds/Iisusanii
Summary: This fic goes into graphic detail of suicide and rape, please do not read if you are easily trigged be theseLevi has never been the most stable person in the world. But when his mother and brother die unexpectedly within a few months of each other, it takes its toll on him. His world was turned upside down and he has daily struggles of now living with depression. Feeling like the world is his enemy, he attempts suicide. Only for it to have failed, much to his disappointment, when he does eventually awake in the hospital he is sat across from a brunet with eyes like the sea. Levi can't stop thinking of Eren, and knows he must recover if he ever wants to see that man again; after all, who would ever love a broken man?





	1. Another failed attempt

**Author's Note:**

> Last trigger warning for this fic. All triggers have been tagged as much as I could. This is now the re write of Learning to live 

Levi’s eyes opened slowly, squinting and blinking repeatedly. He was trying to adjust to the bright lights that had suddenly been exposed to. He furrowed his brows as the room came into view, no longer blurring. He knew exactly where he was and it made him frustrated. He moved himself upwards on the bed, groaning in slight discomfort. 

He took note of the monitors that were on display beside him, making him aware of his heart rate. Nothing out of the usual for him, they always placed him on a heart monitor when he came in. He noticed the room was empty besides him, the other bed across from him empty. He had found it odd that the nurses and doctors hadn’t just placed him in a room alone. 

That was the usual script with him; he wasn’t allowed to be around others whilst in the hospital. He would always, ‘bring them down’. He had never understood it in the first place; the hospital was full of half-dead people anyway. What did it matter if he ‘brought them down with him?’ 

This was the fifth time this year he’d found himself in these surroundings. Beeping monitors, people coughing and throwing up in the other rooms. The thought alone was enough to make him nauseous. It was only the beginning of summer, which only brought more pain to Levi’s heart. 

Each time he had awoke in the bright, disgustingly white room, he felt a little more disappointed in himself. Was he so pathetic that he couldn’t even kill himself? He gritted in teeth in self-hatred. Instead he opted for doing what he always done in those moments where emotions had become too much for him; he gripped his left arm tightly. He knew what lay beyond those pristine bandages. The feeling felt good, but only reminded him of the last moments he remembered before waking up in the hospital. 

It had been the anniversary of his brother, Farlan’s, death. With it being so close to his mother’s ‘unexpected’ death, it was something that him harder as each year without them passed. He’d heard the saying that time was supposed to heal all wounds, in his experience it had only made the torment he faced worse. He used to feel anger, but that had faded until he couldn’t feel anything anymore.   
On each year of the anniversary his uncle would gather his friends and family around to ‘celebrate the life’ of his deceased mother and brother. These friends only showed themselves once a year to Levi. He had decided long ago to cut ties with everyone. To begin with he had wanted a fresh start. 

The fresh start never arrived; instead, he began pitying himself, which turned into extreme self-hatred. He knew he was difficult to be around now, his eyes were always glued to the floor. He would no longer make an effort to make conversations with anyone else. He had also excluded himself from every party or gathering his friends would invite him to.   
He just wanted to die. 

In his previous attempts, someone had always tried to stop him or convince him otherwise. Or he himself, would call an ambulance while he was still gripping on to some sort of consciousness.   
Not this time, this time he had had enough. This time he had everything mapped out and planned, nothing could possibly go wrong. Kuchel had passed from suspected alcohol poisoning, he had never heard the results of the autopsy. So, he would never know for sure. 

Farlan had died in a freak accident, he had been out fishing for the family. The one-time Levi didn’t go with him because he had been feeling ill that morning. He’d always gotten sea sick whilst out on the rocking boat with his brother. He had gone missing for weeks, until eventually the boat had been washed up ashore some miles away. 

Someone within the town had found the boat and had immediately called the emergency services. Farlan’s body was found forty-eight hours later; they had to get divers to search for him. Once his body was brought to shore, Levi recognised him. Somehow, he could still see the features of his brother somewhere in that swollen body. 

Levi was the one who had to go and identify the body, he had been at the crime scene. Apparently, that wasn’t enough though and he also had to go into the morgue to confirm that was his brother. As a 13-year-old boy he had to go into that horrible place, watch as they took him out from a tray like cabinet and pull the black cover off of his face. 

Seeing Farlan close up was more than enough to turn Levi’s stomach and he had instantly started dry heaving. He had managed to keep himself composed long enough to confirm Farlan’s identity, before the emotions had become too much and he had let out a blood curdling scream. He would never forget the sound of his own scream from that night, it had often made an appearance in his dreams. 

This time, he had everything organised. He’d had everything planned for months. Taking down notes every time he had failed, what he would have to do differently next time. He was determined.

The ebony-haired man looked in the mirror and sighed, “Mother,” he smiled weakly, “I’m coming for you, and I expect you to be with Farlan.” He felt a lump rising in his throat but he quickly pushed it back down with force. 

After the party had disbanded, he went upstairs to his room. He wasn’t going to bother to clean the house, it was a pointless task if he were to die tonight. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey he had been slowly consuming all night, and downed the rest of the bottle. 

He then grabbed a small bottle of gin he had stashed in his room earlier, before turning on his CD player and listening to the same songs on repeat. He pulled out the photo album that he hid in his desk.   
He began to hum along to the songs he enjoyed the most, looking down lovingly at the photographs. He had begun to feel a little more than tipsy after drinking the gin. He took out his medication from his bedside drawer. He’d been on antidepressants ever since he could remember. The dose was now strong enough to make him feel almost numb on a daily basis. He’d read the warnings on them before, knowing if he took too many he would likely pass out… At the very least. 

He glanced down at himself and decided that he was adequately dressed for his death. He was wearing a simple black suit and the cravat his mother had carefully made for him. He’d adored that cravat ever since she had given it to him when he was still in primary school. It was something he had treasured. 

Grabbing the notebook that was also in his drawer, he looked at the contents and felt the anger once again building inside of him. Every single page was filled with suicide notes, the same message in each one. “I couldn’t live my life without them, I’d say I’m sorry but the truth is… I’m not.” He had always signed his name and date below it as well. Every page reminded him of the failure he really was.  
But not tonight. 

Levi swallowed the bottle of pills in one go, this was something he was used to. He didn’t feel that was enough though, then reaching over for the blade that he kept in saline solution. It was one he had replaced on a regular basis, so he knew it was still sharp enough. He yanked up his sleeves, before gulping. Looking at the mess he’d previously made. It made him feel sick. 

Always sick… But it was never enough to make him stop. He felt like this was the only solution he had than made him feel even remotely alive. Although he wanted to die with all his being, when he died he wanted to feel alive before he done it. This would ensure he was making the right decision. 

Small pathetic tears clouded his vision momentarily, he felt himself gasp as he placed the blade against his already scarred wrist. “This time, this time I’ll do it right.” He spoke into the empty house.   
Pulling the blade down he felt his flesh tear apart underneath the weapon. The feeling was something he was so accustomed to that he didn’t even flinch. He swore slightly when he lifted the blade from his skin, now covered in his blood. Levi watched in fascination as his fat became visible underneath the open wound. It was only there for a second before it covered itself in his fresh blood. 

Watching with his mouth hung open, before grabbing above his elbow and squeezing trying to avoid his blood from clotting so quickly. He relished in the feeling of the warmth spreading down his arm and dripping onto the floor. Usually he would instantly clean up and have tissues ready for such occasions but not this time. 

Placing another few small cuts around the large open wound he finally felt satisfied with his work, secretly hoping it would continue to bleed. He knew he would bleed more due to the alcohol running through his veins. Smiling maniacally, he got up and swallowed some more tablets that he’d found in his drawers. 

Not even sure what tablets they were, he took them regardless. A little extra wouldn’t hurt. Picking up his keys from the dressing table he left his house and locked the door. More out of habit than anything else.   
He put the keys in his back pocket, walked down his pristine garden and locked the gate behind him. He could feel his legs tremble underneath him, not quite able to walk in a straight line. It was a Friday evening though, he doubted anyone would question him. 

Making his way down the road and heading to the dock that Farlan would leave from. It hurt him that he couldn’t leave the way his cousin had when everything had happened. Levi didn’t have enough money to his name and his uncle Kenny refused to help him, telling him he needed to find his own way now. 

He reached the dock in under 10 minutes, sitting himself down on the end of the wooden bridge before taking his last breath and throwing himself off. For the first time in his life, he felt no regrets. He felt no regrets when the water reached his face, when he found himself struggling to breathe. 

His life up until this moment had been filled with regrets, he smiled under the water as his vision began to fade and his lungs filled with water. 

“Hello Mr Ackerman I see you’ve finally woken long enough for us to have a chat. Tell me, how are you feeling?” The therapist who had been ‘treating’ him came into view. Now standing at the bottom of the bed. 

“Stupid question, I failed. Again. Are you fucking kidding me right now? We all know how I feel Hange.” He spat the words out at the therapist. 

Dr Hange had been trying to treat Levi for a couple of years now, though unsuccessfully. They refused to give up on him and whenever their boss had asked about his progress, they had lied. Which now, had only brought on its own issues. 

Levi was never one to indulge in his feelings with another, they had spent hours with each other. Mostly in silence, but occasionally Hange would feel like they were making progress and Levi would just laugh hysterically in their face when they smiled at him. The action had always sent shivers down Hange’s spine. They had wondered if he harboured any emotions at all. 

“Levi, you should’ve come to sooner if this is how you’ve been feeling. I can’t continue to treat you if you end up in hospital every month.” They spoke softly. 

“Don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do,” the words left his lips like venom.

Hange exhaled loudly, knowing arguing with her patient was a pointless task. A waste of time. They looked down at the man, sadness filling their heart, they had so desperately wanted to help the man. They had previously had a very successful recovery rate, with Levi being the exception. Hange knew that this was the end of their journey together. 

They had failed, miserably. Levi had gotten nowhere in the years they’d been seeing each other. That feeling hurt. A lot more than it should, but they had taken a personal interest in the smaller man. Their lack of emotions had originally interested Hange, but now they just found it more frustrating. 

They had been so desperate to see him recover, that their own judgement as a therapist had been clouded. Levi was in his mid-thirties now and needed someone with more experience to deal with him. This frustrated Hange, because they knew deep in their heart that Levi was capable of emotions. 

He was more than capable of showing anger and frustration. So why couldn’t he learn to show love and compassion and tenderness? It was a question they had asked themselves more often than not.   
“Let me get the nurse in to check your vitals, your heart rate seems to be elevated.”

“Do whatever you need to do Hange.” He sighed. 

Dr. Hange looked at the man once more, their heart breaking at the sight and headed towards the nurse’s station.

Once the therapist had left the room, Levi felt himself relax a little. He’d been feeling so exhausted these past few months. He had nothing to get up for anymore. He had been off work for more time than he could remember. Oddly enough, no questions had been asked about his return. He spent most of his spare time cleaning the house and staring at the ceiling. 

“Mr Ackerman, hello my name is Petra I’m your nurse for the day. It’s good to see you awake and alert, the past few days you have been rather unresponsive. How are you feeling?” She asked, her pale red fringe falling over her bright blue eyes.

The man took a deep breath and blew the air out of his nose before replying, “Are you fucking kidding me right now? How am I feeling, are you serious?” His words thick with sarcasm, eyebrows creased and hands visibly shaking. He was sick and tired of everyone asking if he was okay, of course he fucking wasn't. Was that concept too difficult to grasp?!

He had spent a lot of time in the same damn hospital. He was glad that he received free healthcare, or his debt would be even worse than it was now. He could feel his heart elevate, he was furious now. An emotion he felt a lot more often since his recent failures. 

He could feel himself giving into his emotions, his composure falling. Breathing became more difficult for him, he could feel himself succumbing to the screaming of his inner demons. His chest had begun to constrict and his sight started to darken. 

Petra instantly moved from the bottom of the bed to the side, re positioning Levi so he was lying flat on the bed and she had raised up his legs slightly. She had picked up on the signs of Levi’s panic attack, and reacted quickly enough to get him under control. 

She told Hange to open up a window to get some fresh air in and began speaking to Levi in a soft voice. 

“Levi, I need you to concentrate on my voice. You’re going to be okay. You just need to level out your breathing. Breathe with me.” She began taking deep breaths and watched as Levi came back to the room and was now looking at Petra with vulnerable, broken eyes. 

Once the room had stopped spinning Levi looked away from the nurse. Shame washing over him at being so pathetic in front of someone like that. He would be sure to punish himself later for his mistake. He pulled himself up and sat with his back against the pillow that had been positioned for him. Still not uttering a word to the two people in front of him. 

The nurse moved back towards Levi after giving him some room to calm down. She began by taking his temperature, and as expected he was running a small fever. She checked his blood pressure and told him that they needed to change his bandage, to which he visibly flinched. 

“I’m sorry, I know must be uncomfortable for you. But we have to make sure the wound won’t get infected. I’ll only clean it and change the bandage, after that we’ll leave you alone. Deal?” She asked. 

“Fine.” 

The nurse asked Hange to leave. They did, though hesitantly. They knew this may be the last time they saw Levi and that hurt them. They knew it shouldn’t, and they only had themselves to blame.   
Petra removed the bandage and tried her best not to flinch at the cut. It had been glued together, she had noticed that Levi had turned his head so he wouldn’t be looking at his wounds. But she kept her thoughts to herself. 

Cleaning the cut ended in a few winces from Levi, but apart from that she successfully bandaged him up with no other repercussions. 

“You’re very lucky you didn’t cut through and artery Levi, those cuts are very deep.” 

“Yeah…Lucky.” He huffed at her, pulling his arm away in defense. 

“Levi, me and Hange will be leaving now, the button on the wall is available to you and please use it if you feel uncomfortable. But for now, I suggest you get some rest, we can speak more tomorrow, you must be rehabilitated, we can’t continue to do this”.

“As promised, I will leave you to it. You’ll be getting another patient in soon. Please be mindful of that.” She spoke firmly. Before exiting. 

As promised not minutes had passed before another patient was being wheeled in. The same monitors as Levi was connected to were also connected to this brown-haired man. Levi stared a little, but decided to close his eyes until they were finished with him. The man seemed to also be sleeping. 

Hearing them leave the room, he looked at the man once again. As he previously noted, he had dark chestnut hair that fell over his eyes. His face was bruised and swollen, one of arms were elevated with a cast in place, protecting it. He wanted to take a closer look. 

Standing up he walked over to the man, attached monitors in tow. He now noticed a large cut that started from his hairline and went across his forehead down his eyebrow. Levi picked up the file at the end of the bed and opened to the first page. 

‘Strictly confidential,’ it read. That still didn’t stop Levi from snooping. His curiosity getting the better of him. He opened to the first page.   
‘Eren Jaeger, car crash victim.’ 

That was enough for Levi as he closed the folder and placed it back where it belonged before looking down at the man. 

“Well, hello there…Eren.”


	2. Breaking down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally admitting his feelings to himself, Levi breaks down.

Levi stood over the man, watching him intently. A slight worry in his eyes. Not something he was very accustomed to. Levi had always been a selfish person. The man below him looked so peaceful in this moment, eyes closed and his hair falling over his closed eyes. He noticed the boy’s lips were dry and he had a slight flush to his golden skin. 

It didn’t take a genius to work out this person had been through something horrific, yet in this moment he looked at peace. When he woke up, something inside Levi told him there would be a shit storm. There was anger building up inside this man, he may look sweet and innocent right now. Yet, he could tell there was a fire burning inside of this beaten up brunet. 

He wondered how the boy had been unconscious for. At least, he looked like he was passed out right now. There was no way, someone would ever look like that intentionally. He had surely been drugged. 

Deciding he’d had enough of looking at the brunet, he walked over to the window, peeking behind the blinds to get an idea of what time it was. It was overcast and dark, going from the little information the nurse had given him, and he had guessed it was in the evening.

Sighing, he trailed back to the bed but instead of sitting on it, he chose to sit on the chair beside the bed. He was sick of being bedridden, that happened a lot in his daily life. Pursing his lips and blowing out air, he grabbed the backpack that had been left underneath the chair.

He hadn’t remembered bringing a bag with him when he left his house, he knew someone must have dropped by and left it for him. 

Upon opening it he had groaned, knowing exactly who must’ve packed it and was again feeling annoyed at his failed attempt, now he had to deal with the giant. Inside the bag, lay a letter and a photograph.

The photograph was of himself, his mother and his brother, all bright smiles. His mother the brightest of them all, silver eyes shining clearly full of pride for her boys. Farlan held up a fish that must’ve been around a foot long, looking proud of himself and Levi looking at his brother with creased eyes grinning like an idiot. He was fond of this photograph it had been from one of the camping trips they went on. He frowned at the picture for a while before deciding it shouldn’t be hidden from view. Taking it carefully from his bag and placing it on the table beside the bed. He knew he’d be here for a while. A few days at least, in those few days all he had to do was behave. Then they’d let him out, that was the way it had always been. 

Going back into his bag he opened the letter and it read,

_‘Levi,_

_When are you going to stop hurting us?_

_I know you’re in pain but for fucks sake this isn’t the way to go about it. I’m sick of going to your house and wondering what I’m going to find there, my heart fucking aches for you, it does._

_But God dammit it Levi, you must stop this! Do you understand me?! I love you I do, but I don’t know how much longer I can handle knowing my best friend will be dead in a few months if you continue with this crap._

_Please stop hurting yourself, you must find a way to get over this. It wasn’t this bad when you had someone in your life, why not speak to Nanaba again?_

_She was good for you, she still asks how you’re doing. I know you’re still capable of loving, even if you don’t want to believe it yourself. I watched you when you were with her, your eyes lit up Levi._

_I need to see you like that again._

_I fucking love you, don’t do this to me._

_But even worse than that friend, don’t do this to yourself. You’ve had it hard enough. Start living for yourself, I know this isn’t what Kuchel and Farlan would want._

_I’ll see you soon, until then..._

_Survive_

_Erwin.’_

He crumbled up the paper in anger. ‘The fuck does he know what my family would want?!’ He screamed internally. Erwin had been Levi’s friend since they were young, but that man had everything that Levi didn’t. It was a constant reminder of how different the two really were. 

He had struggled to like Erwin to begin with, always watching in jealousy as his father would come and pick him up, spinning him around and the pair laughing together. His mother would always greet the blond with a kiss to the cheek. Levi didn’t have that then. He would never have that. 

Erwin never had to ask for anything growing up, he was always given it. The best technology, the newest of clothes, but he wasn’t a spoiled brat despite all of this. He always shared everything with Levi, trying to include him in his fortune. 

Although his mother and father didn’t approve of Levi to begin with, they soon came around to the idea that the pair were friends. Eventually welcoming the raven to the family as well, but the actions were always wasted on him. 

Huffing, the man picked up the crumpled letter and tried to straighten out the creases and read it again. This time with less anger pent up inside of himself. Erwin was a good man, he was the only person who would be hurt by Levi’s death. But one person, wasn’t worth living for, Levi thought.

Deciding he’d had enough of the day he went to bed, pulled the covers up and lay in silence for hours, nothing but the beeping of monitors and the chatting of nurses to eventually lull him into sleep.

He awoke at 6am, he only knew this because someone had finally put a clock in the room. Something disgusting filled his nostrils, making him gag slightly, until he realised that smell was coming from him.

Fuck, had no one cleaned him when he came in?! He stank of the sea. Pressing the button on the side of the bed he watched a familiar face walk in.

“Good Morning Mr Ackerman, I hope you’re feeling better this morning, what can I help you with?” Petra smiled brightly at the man, dark bags starting to form below her eyes. She’d been here all night and most of yesterday by the look of exhaustion on her face.

“I’d like a shower, I stink, where can I go?” He spoke, only a slight bit of his anger showing through. He was trying his best to keep his emotions under control. After all, he wanted to leave this horrible place as soon as he could. 

“Of course, let me disconnect you and I’ll show you where you can get cleaned up.”

Petra strolled towards Levi and took out the IV and monitors that they had placed on him during the night, although he was now stable and awake. He had swallowed a lot of water and they had to keep an eye on him.

“There we go, follow me, love.”

Levi felt like he was suddenly free, no more beeping monitors, no more cold liquid making its way into his veins. He followed Petra unsteadily, until she got to the other side of the room, stopping in front of the door there. 

Walking quietly past Eren as not to wake him, the boy was still sleeping, it seems he hadn’t woken up at all by the sleep that collected itself in the corners of his eyes. She opened the door and said she could let him have some privacy to which Levi thanked her.

Once she had closed the door, he began taking off the gown and folded it and placed it into the basket they had there. Looking down at himself, he felt sick. Sometimes he wondered how he had let himself get this bad.

Cuts, fresh and old littered his pale body. His arms, stomach and upper thighs had been covered in them. He couldn’t see the fresh skin that was once there, instead it was white and red thick lines, and his body was covered. He’d attacked himself with his blades, he could never go back to the way he was. These scars reminded him of the failure he had become. 

His demons had now showing themselves, shouting in his ear. He tried to silence them, but it was all in vain. 

He just wanted someone to listen to him, someone who cared. Not someone who was paid for it. He hadn’t felt love in so long. He wasn’t sure he was even capable of such a feeling anymore.

Gripping his hair in his hands, he creased his eyebrows and groaned loudly, he knew screaming would only get the attention of the nurses there. He felt an overwhelming amount of emotion overcome him, kicking him in the stomach and making him wretch.

He felt tears starting to form at the sides of his eyes, desperately trying to swipe them away. Dry heaving, he wished for nothing more than the feeling to pass. The feelings always passed, it was the feeling of nothingness that he feared the most. He knew what he could do to stop the dry heaves, but it wouldn’t be pleasant. Levi felt like he had no other choice, he took off the bandages and felt his arm sting from the fresh air. 

He could already feel himself calming from his panic, could feel the control seeping back into him the closer he got to that sweet relief. He let himself collapse to the ground, accepting the dirtiness that may be littered there. After all, he’d be taking a shower as quickly as he possibly could. The man pulled his arm up to his face and just before he placed his teeth on his skin, ready in a desperate measure, to hurt himself. To tear the flesh apart, he froze. He watched in horror as the door opened. 

Not moving for fear, he lay on the floor, teeth still resting on his bloodied arm, he looked up. Stood at the door was none-other than Eren, hair a mess and tangled at the back, his eyes bloodshot. Lips cracked, he was slumped against the door.

Eren looked down at the man and before either of them could say anything, he closed the door and walked towards the raven and held him. Just holding him, he still hadn’t said anything, he just pulled Levi up into his arms and held him in an embrace. One arm wrapped around his chest and the other holding his head, keeping him in place in against his shoulder.

It only took a second before Levi fell apart in the embrace, once again tears making their way down his face. No one had held him like this in such a long time. He didn’t even know this man, but for once he felt safe, arms wrapped tightly around him, he held onto the brunet.

Eren could feel Levi heaving below him, but he wasn’t letting him go. Not yet.

In broken words he spoke, “I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, this is just filler. But I promise the next chapter will be better.  
> Thanks for reading though, don't forget to click the 'kudos' button if you enjoyed it <3


	3. Meeting Eren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi spends his morning speaking with Eren, trying to find out more about this mysterious man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to (Through the cellar door - Lanterns on the Lake) to help me with writing this chapter. Go check them out <3

“I’ve got you, let it out,” he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper. Still holding onto Levi in a tight embrace. He let his head rest against the man’s ebony locks.

Feeling the warm arms losing their grip, Levi moved away from Eren. Being as careful as he could as to not knock the cast on his arm. He hasn’t felt the hardness of the cast during their embrace. 

“I’m, uhh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you walked in on that.” He avoided Eren’s gaze as he spoke, opting to stare at the floor in embarrassment instead. 

Eren remained silent, standing up and walking towards to the door again. Levi felt a kick in his stomach at the feeling of Eren leaving right now. He knew it was a stupid thought, but he was surprised as the brunet walked back towards him. He had a towel in his hands, he squatted down and wrapped the towel around Levi. He had clearly been showing his respect for his privacy before. 

Levi felt himself becoming more embarrassed, feeling his cheeks heat up once he had realised Eren had walked in on him butt naked, crying on the bathroom floor. 

Horrified, he wrapped the towel tightly around himself and mumbled, “I’m sorry.” 

Levi was still waiting on any sort of words leaving Eren’s lips and felt himself becoming more agitated as the time passed and the brunet hadn’t bothered to say anything to him yet. 

He felt his shame wash over himself. He had only just become aware that Eren had seen him, had seen all his scars, cuts and bruises. 

“I’m uhh. I need to em.” Levi fumbled over his words. His eyes pleading Eren to say something, anything. 

“I’m sorry.” Was the only reply he received. 

Levi finally looked up properly at Eren, trying to push past the feeling that were telling him to stay put and remain ashamed at himself. He finally clicked to who had walked in on him. This man was Eren, who had recently been passed out on the bed. 

“You don’t need to say sorry. Why are you up anyway? Haven’t you been unconscious for the last few days? Months? What are you doing? You should speak to the nurses.” Levi felt himself becoming panicked and stumbled over his words, once again. 

“I’ve been fully stable for a number of days now. Nurses already know. It’s just easier to close your eyes and ignore everything around you. But I heard someone whimpering from the bathroom. I’m more of a night owl anyway.” 

The raven felt himself calm down once he realised Eren was okay. Which was an odd feeling. He had never felt pity for someone other than himself. He was also a night owl, opting not to sleep. His dreams were plagued by the image of his mother haunting him for years now. 

He shivered at the thought of the nightmares, not wanting them to enter his brain so soon after another breakdown. He knew it would only push him over the edge. Levi finally stood, keeping a tight grip on the towel and stood in front of Eren, having to crane his neck slightly to look up at him. 

A few moments passed before Eren finally spoke again, “I have to pee.” 

Levi only looked at him in confusion. 

“Nature calls.” Eren smiles at his remark.

“Oh yeah, umm. Okay, I’ll just head out.” 

“No need, just go into the shower. Nurses will be onto you as soon as you leave anyway.”  
Levi fumbled a little before decided to enter the small shower, pulling the curtain closed, making sure there were no gaps. Not that it had mattered anyway, the boy had already seen his disgusting body.

Picking up the shower head, he turned on the water, pointing it at the drain and waiting for it to heat up before placing it back on the stand and moving underneath the stream. Feeling the warmth cleanse his skin. 

Steam filled the room and as it did Levi felt himself relax a little. He decided this was the moment to inspect his wounds, he parted his legs and looked at his thighs. They were red and angry, the skin raised above its natural surface. Having these red marks on his body only made his skin look paler. He huffed at himself, knowing he had no one to blame but himself and that frustrated him even more. 

He heard the toilet flush, and thankfully the tap beginning to run, which made him flinch as the temperature changed. 

“I’m Eren by the way, nice to meet you.” Eren spoke from behind the curtain. 

“Levi,” he replied. He smiled faintly before hearing the door close and he was left by himself again.

Finally having a moment to reflect on what had happened, he felt himself cringe at his actions and behaviour. He questioned when he had become so weak, he also felt himself become confused. Why hadn’t he tried to hide himself when Eren entered the room? No one had seen the truth of his self-harm, it was something he had always hid from people. Yet this young man had seen it all in a matter of minutes. 

He was so ashamed. He felt pathetic, these were the only emotions that presented themselves to him now. Pathetic, shame, sadness… It was exhausting. 

Levi grabbed the soap and began washing himself, lathering it over his body. Washing his hair, smelling the fresh smell let him has a slight feeling of relief. He felt himself wincing at the pain from each swipe over his body from the soap.

After he’d survived…again. The last thing he wanted to deal with was infected cuts among the multiple other issues that he was sure he would have to endure. He looked at his arms, moving a delicate finger over the closed cut. They had glued him this time. All other times he had been stitched. 

“Huh, damn it.” He grunted at himself. In his previous attempts he had also slit his wrists, but when he had woken up they had always stitched him back together like some sort of toy. In his last visit he was fed up and began picking at the thick black string. Watching in satisfaction as the puss came through each hole before opening again fully. Exposing the fat and deep crimson blood. 

Having enough of dwelling on his previous failure he finished in the shower, drying himself with the towel Eren had given him. He put on a new gown that had been placed outside of the shower. He thought it must have been the kid’s doing. Since he hadn’t brought it in.   
Finally feeling clean again, he left the bathroom and headed back towards his bed since he had nothing else to do. He smirked as he walked past Eren, noting his eyes were closed again. 

He scoffed once he sat in his bed, all that kid ever done was sleep. Was he that much of a night owl? Then again, he had just had to deal with Levi’s shit, of course he’d be exhausted from that. Just like everyone else who had to deal with him. 

He watched as a nurse walked in, “Eren, wake up. It’s time for breakfast.” She sang at him.   
This nurse looked brighter and much younger than Petra. She had big brown eyes, chubby cheeks and a small button nose. Her hair was tied back into a neat ponytail, swinging from side to side as she walked. 

He watched as Eren lay silent on the bed, the nurse lent over him and spoke into his ear. Levi missing the words. 

After a moment has passed she sighed in defeat. Instead walking towards Levi, smiling brightly at him, and picking up the file that sat at the bottom of his bed. 

“So Mr. Ackerman, how’s the pain?” She asked. Her voice annoyingly sweet. 

“Nothing I can’t handle.”

“There’s no need to play the hero here Mr. Ackerman, if you’re in pain then we need to know about it…” She waited a few moments for Levi to reply but when he didn’t she continued, “I see your throat is a little raw right now. Solids may not be the best option right now; would you like something cool to soothe it?”

‘Fuck, she’s annoying.’ He thought to himself. 

“Black tea will do, I don’t think I could stomach anything more than that right now.” He spoke, hoping to get what he wanted. He hated smoothies. 

The nurse made her way out to make Levi’s tea. He decided to take this moment to try and speak to Eren, making a note of how pale he looked now. He hadn’t paid much attention to the boy before.

“Eren? Eren!” He spoke his name a little louder the second time, getting annoyed that the boy was ignoring him. Why was he becoming so hung up on the man across from him?   
The chestnut-haired nurse walked back into the room, walking over and placing the tea on the table beside Levi’s bed. Placing a straw beside it. Levi looked up at her, lips curled and eyebrows furrowed. 

“What this for?” He asked. 

“If you need it, it’ll be easier to drink your tea with that.” After he nodded at her she left the room. 

After he had finished his tea, he lay down flat on the bed. Relieved that he was no longer bound by wires and the constant beeping that plagued his ears, now leaving a ringing noise in them. He remembered he hadn’t taken his medication this morning, or the other day. He pushed the button to get the nurses attention. 

Waiting a few minutes before she eventually turned up and silenced the call.   
“Yes, Mr Ackerman?” She questioned. 

“I’ve not had any medication.” Levi claimed, feeling himself becoming frustrated again.   
“You’ve had a lot of medication since being admitted here Sir, they were all given to you via the cannula in your arm. Since you were more than a little disoriented when we first brought you in.” She spoke, matter of fact. 

“I’m talking about my other medication, I’m on anti-anxiety meds, have you not read my record.” He felt himself struggling to not raise his voice.

“I have Sir, you are not permitted to take those tablets whilst in our care at the current moment, especially regarding your recent actions. The doctor will go into full detail with it when she arrives.” 

She didn’t have to explain anymore, he already knew every statistic there was in regards to his medication and the elevated feeling of suicidal thoughts. Although he was confused, as they had never withdrawn his medication before. This must’ve been serious. He nodded his understanding at the nurse and she left him in peace again. 

He closed his eyes, feeling his head drooping slightly. It had been an exhausting morning for him and it had been catching up to him quickly, alongside all the pain medication he had taken.

Not a moment after closing his eyes, he heard footprints make their way to his bed. He cursed under his breath about being left alone. Opening one eye to peek, he saw a man towering over him. 

Quickly shutting it as quickly as he had opened it, he knew this man and right now he had no energy to deal with him. 

“Levi, you can’t hide forever. C’mon, wake up. We have to talk.” 

Levi reluctantly opened his eyes, “Erwin.” He spoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you're enjoying this <3  
> Leaving a kudos really helps motivate me to write the next one so if you could spare a quick click if you liked it, I'd appreciate that!  
> Things are moving along, slowly I know, but if you're here for the fluff, it might be a few chapters yet :')


	4. Why do you pretend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin visits Levi in the hospital.

“Levi,” the much taller man replied.

Levi refused to speak, instead finding his nails much more interesting to look at. They seemed to have grown a little over the past few days, something that only further irritated him. He kept his eyes down, not wanting to look up the man standing over him.

“So, are you just going to sit there and ignore me? Or will you at least move over so I can sit down?” The man spoke again, louder this time, as if to make sure the smaller man was hearing him. 

In response Levi stopped playing with his nails, and stood up from the chair and moved to his bed…

Erwin took a seat on the chair Levi was previously sat at, staring at Levi. Waiting for the man to finally acknowledge his existence here. Erwin was a stubborn man and wouldn’t give up this ‘fight’ until he had gotten his way. Levi was also aware of this fact. 

Finally giving up the fight, Levi stared at him, “Jesus, Erwin. You don’t have to speak so loudly I can hear you. I’m… sad. Not deaf.” He huffed out. 

“Levi,” Erwin spoke softly, keeping his voice down this time. “We need to talk, you’re not going to like what I have to say, but you need to hear it.” His eyes fierce and determined, a look that Levi hated. 

“What? Spit it out then. I’m tired.” He answered.

“You want to do this here?” Erwin asked, nodding towards the brunet that was still asleep in the bed across from his friend.

“Where else are we going to go? The kids asleep, go ahead. Tell me what you’re so desperate to get out.” He spoke sarcastically. 

“Fine,” he sighed, “I can’t handle you when you’re like this. I know you’ve read the letter Levi. I’m sick of this, this is why I’m here. You’re not going home alone, not anymore. I can’t do it, I can’t let you leave her knowing not knowing when you’re going to try and take your life again. You’ll be coming home with me.”

Levi finally made eye contact with Erwin, glaring at him with the same stare he’d had when Erwin had tried to talk him out of leaving previously. He couldn’t understand his friend’s logic. Why would he want to spend time with him when he was like this? 

That was, until something inside of him clicked. ‘Shit, he found the fucking room, didn’t he? There was no way he’d act like this before.’ Levi started to feel panicked at the thought. 

“I don’t need someone to care for me, I’ll be fine on my own.” 

The raven thought for a second, he could look after himself. Couldn’t he? 

“You’re not in the right state of mind to make that decision anymore. I don’t want to hear your excuses or your broken promises, I’ve heard them enough over the past few months. I’ll be with you this time, so if you can’t pull this shit again.” Erwin was becoming irritated at his friend’s immaturity to the situation. Struggling to keep himself composed. 

Although Erwin was a giant and very intimidating person, he was also a gentle and caring person. Sometimes he could come across as selfish, angry and unreasonable, but deep-down Levi knew all he was trying to do was to help his childhood friend. This would’ve been fine a few months ago when Levi had a hint of hope inside of him. Now everything had faded, all thoughts of anything becoming better had disappeared from Levi’s mind. 

Was his whole life going to be spent like this? Would he ever escape? It had felt like he’d lost everything. There was no longer any point in his existence. These thoughts occupied Levi, or rather haunted him for most of his time. 

“I don’t agree. I don’t want it.” 

“This is no longer an option. It doesn’t matter what you want. Either way, when you leave here it’ll either be with me or you’ll be put into a hospital.” Erwin’s voice had started to raise again. 

“Erwin, I could leave whenever I wanted to if I was with you. You’d have to go shopping, go to work. I’d be able to sneak out.” 

“No, you wouldn’t, I’ll fucking tie you up if I have to ensure your safety.”

“Oh, kinky.” Levi spoke, his voice flat. 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Ackerman? You think this is some sort of joke? Do you have any idea what you’re doing to everyone around you? If you do die, you piece of shit, it’d be having to go around picking up your scattered pieces. I-I don’t think I could do that…” Erwin’s voice had lowered a tone. 

He stood, walked a few paces before sitting down again. Resting his elbows on his knees, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. 

“You’ve been so fucking selfish. So damn selfish, have you ever thought about anyone else but yourself when pulling this shit?” His voice had started to rise an octave. His ears becoming red, a tell-tale sign that he was becoming less patient. 

Levi looked up, eyes locked on Erwin’s now dull blue orbs. “Ahhh, there it is!” He proclaimed, “There’s the famous ‘you’ve been so selfish’ speech. I was wondering when you’d finally start spouting out that shit.” Levi spoke, his voice thick with sarcasm. He was sick of that speech, he’d heard it so much in his life.

He had never said he wasn’t being selfish to anyone. He had never tried denying his actions, so he was sick and tired of hearing people tell him things he already knew.

Everyone would be happier without him, that wasn’t a selfish thought. That was fact. 

Just as the blond was about to speak again, the girl with the bright smile and hair pulled back in a ponytail entered. She was holding a plate with a steamed potato and cheese, looking at the boys with concern as she placed the plate on Eren’s bedside table. 

“Sir, we can hear you down the hall. Could you keep your voice down please? Our patients are trying to rest.” Her voice had become a little harsher with her complaint.

“I was just leaving. I’ll be back tomorrow. Sorry ma’am.” Erwin spoke, glaring at Levi. “We’re not done here. You will not leave this hospital without me. Take this time to think about it, boy.” He emphasised his last word, showing his dominance of the situation. 

“Whatever you need to say to help you sleep at night Erwin.” Levi growled. Erwin left without a further word. 

The nurse looked at Levi with pity in her eyes, something the dark-haired man hated in a person. He hated pity. 

“Don’t look at me like that. Also, you know he doesn’t wake up right?” Levi could feel himself getting ready for an argument, anyone would do right now. He just had to get his anger out. If that was with some young nurse then so be it. 

“Aww, don’t worry about him. We all know his tricks.” She winked at Levi, smile not faltering. She glanced back at Eren, picking up the plate and sighing louder than needed. “Well I guess that means you won’t want this then?” She turned on her heel, getting ready to leave. 

As soon as she had finished speaking, Eren had opened one of his eyes, a grin appearing on his face. “Aww, c’mon Sasha. You know that’s not fair. I’m just tired.” We winked at her playfully. 

Hearing that voice had instantly cheered up Levi, finally seeing the boy open both of his eyes. Even from across the room Levi could see them sparkling like the ocean, breath-taking. The raven wanted to hear more of that voice, and see more of those eyes. 

He wasn’t sure how he was going to do it, but he knew he’d come up with a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for coming on this journey with me <3 I'm hoping I'll have some more chapters out this week as I'm on holiday >.< Again, don't forget to click the kudos button if you enjoyed it. Thanks!


	5. Speaking with Eren

Levi kept a watch on Eren for the full day, waiting in anticipation for any sort of movement, but none came. He had stayed silence for the full day. No relatives arrived, no phone calls had been made to see how he was doing. He’d ‘slept’ for the full day, not even waking to get food this time.

Anytime a nurse had come in, they had to pull the curtain over before he could hear any sort of movement or a small hint of a voice.

All this had done was pique Levi’s curiosity in the man across from him. He’d asked himself all day why he had always pretended to be asleep. He’d guessed it’s because it was easier that way, no one to annoy him or preach to him about how lucky he was to be alive.

Hospitals had always been boring as well, no TV’s and no personal belonging to help pass the time. Levi had previously loved to read but lately he couldn’t get past the first chapter without his mind wandering.

Having enough of sitting and waiting for the man to move, he had stood up showered and afterwards walked to the window. Watching people arriving and leaving the hospitals doors below him. He was glad he no longer had nay wires attached to him.   
  


He had taken note of the graveyard that was viewable from his window. An odd place to build a hospital he had thought to himself. Sparking another thought into his brain, he knew when he died he’d never wanted to be buried. He wanted to be cremated, all this was already set out and planned in the notebook he left at his house.

He hated the idea of being buried, his fears coming into view that someone would dig him up. He’d be covered in mud and maggots; the thought made his stomach turn in disgust.

He’d spoken to both Petra and Sasha a couple of times as the evening passed, finally he watched as the lights had all been turned off and the nurses wished them goodnight.

Levi forced himself to stay awake once the lights had been turned off, he had been watching the brunet’s chest rise and fall. Finding something peaceful about it, the repetitiveness of it. He still hadn’t moved from the bed, in fact he hadn’t moved at all. His head was rested against three pillows, his arm lying haphazardly over his side and his other arm, with the cast, lay beside him.  

As more time passed, Levi found himself growing nervous, he had wanted to speak to Eren ever since their first meeting. But now he had a sick feeling in his stomach, he hadn’t wanted to bother the man, but he was awake now and his feelings only helped with his insomnia.

It was a rare occasion that Levi would receive a good night’s sleep. He had previously tried sleeping pills, but amongst the other drugs he was taking he had never liked the idea of taking something that would put him to sleep. He was a control freak, he liked things to be in control and if that meant not sleeping all night, then he would agree with it.

Finally, at around 2am, Levi watched in anticipation as Eren finally made some signs of movements. Levi’s mouth opened slightly before Eren silenced him with a finger to his own lips. A sign for him to stay quiet. The brunet stood from the bed and went to the bathroom. Levi had an internal debate of whether he should’ve followed, then deciding against it quickly. Instead he moved from his bed and sat on the chair beside Eren’s bed, waiting for him to finish.

He waited for what felt like an eternity until the boy finally exited the bathroom and sat back down on the bed. Neither of them spoke, but Eren kept his eyes open, as always, they were beautiful. Even more so now Levi was up close to them. The inner ring was a beautiful deep blue colour and the further out the iris went the greener they became. It was like glancing into the sea. The moonlight only enhancing their colours.

It was Levi who finally broke their silence.

“I just wanted to apologise once again for what happened in the bathroom the other day.” He spoke softly, keeping an eye on the door in case a nurse had decided to walk past. He knew they would no doubt complain about the pair’s interaction, after all, it was time to be sleeping.

“You don’t need to apologise. Everyone has moments of weakness, that’s a part of life.” The boy spoke with confidence, although a soft tinge of sadness making itself known in the statement.

The raven wondered how someone who looked so young could sound like he had experienced everything life had to offer already. He could still see the bruises and dried blood on his face, with no sign of getting any better. Levi wondered how long he would be like that for.

Now, he let his thoughts rest. Just having the company of someone else was nice enough for him.

“Well, Eren. I don’t have ‘moments’, I have years of weaknesses. You just happened to walk in on one of them.” He spoke honestly, surprising himself slightly, he had never confided in someone so quickly. Why was this boy any different to the hundreds of other who had offered their time? Yet here he was, talking openly with him. He was interested in Eren, the man had completely taken Levi’s interest.

“Anything else you need to talk about, Levi?” He asked, emphasising his name, which sent gentle shivers down Levi’s spine.

“Uhm- yes. Actually…” He said hesitantly.

The pair sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Eren swung his legs off the bed, so he was now facing Levi. Cocking his head slightly, pupils wide from the lack of light. He looked like a puppy in those moments.

Levi sighed, knowing it was too soon to be asking about Eren’s personal life, but his he couldn’t stop his thoughts from surfacing. Seeing someone so bruised and battered had unanswered questions swirling around in his head. He let himself look at Eren’s features a little longer.

He felt a sting of pain at the sight. Now he could really take in Eren, he took a long moment to study him. Looking at the damage that was across his face. He had large black and purple eyes, black bags under his eyes that told Levi the man wasn’t getting as much sleep as he was letting on.

He had a large cut that led from his hairline down to his eyebrow, large ugly stitches making their way out of it. It had been sown together quite well, but it was obvious enough that it would leave a scar. His button nose looked swollen, making it look much larger than he was sure it was. One side of his lip was swollen and he had bandages across his chest and the large cast on his left arm. His legs seemed okay, it looked like he had survived the crash with little damage.

Levi watched the boy, in fascination. He was beautiful. Even with all the bruising, he was lovely to look at. It calmed Levi, he’d never felt this odd. He couldn’t understand how someone looks could make himself feel so calm. He watched as Eren avoided his eyes, looking down. The lights in them fading, they seemed more like a deep green now, breath-taking. He also looked…exhausted. A look that Levi knew all too well, understanding the brunet probably had enough of his staring, he asked his question.

“Eren, you look extremely bruised and beat up, what happened to you?”

He already knew the short answer, but he didn’t want Eren to know he’d taken a look through his notes when he was sleeping. If he was sleeping, that was. He hated that he’d let his inquisitiveness get the better of him in those moments. Especially now he had taken such an interest in the brunet.

If that had been someone else looking through his notes as he slept, he knew he’d be furious.

After his question Eren froze. All his previous cuteness shrivelling away. He sat back on the bed and pulled his knees close to his chest, closing his eyes again. He had completely withdrawn from his previous openness. He rested his head on his knees, and sniffed slightly.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that.” Levi felt guilt pooling into his stomach. He grinded his teeth in his uncomfortableness.

Eren didn’t answer, instead he just continued sitting in the same position. He didn’t lift his head up, or even more an inch from where he was. After half an hour of waiting, Levi decided he’d pushed it enough and moved back to his own bed. Feeling disgusted, of course he’d pushed it too far. Of course, he’d fuck it all up. That’s all he could and would ever be able to do.

He scratched the back of his head in annoyance, enjoying the way his nails scraped into his undercut. Ensuring he was leaving the mark he so needed to in his moment. Something he knew no one else would notice, the reason he had let the top half get longer. He let his dark locks fall down his nape, ensuring to hide the damage.

He pulled the cover over him and looked back towards the other bed. He felt his heart break in that moment, it didn’t take long for his own demons to come back. Blaming him for asking such stupid questions, how could he have been so insensitive? He already knew the answer, before the question had even entered his mind.

Eren had clearly just went through something traumatising, he could tell from the look in his face and the fake smiles he’d offered the nurses and doctors. There was something deeper to what had happened, and of all the questions to ask. Levi’s instinct was to go to the most painful one first.

Untangling himself from the sheets, he sat up. Grabbing his photograph from the side table, he looked down at it. He hadn’t noticed the tears falling down his face, until one of the splashed on the frame. Right on where his mother stood. The image still pained him. He felt himself wallowing in his own self-pity. Stomach turning, palms sweating and the start of a headache making itself known. He gripped onto the frame, feeling his nails bend underneath the pressure he was putting on them.

Knowing no one could hear him, and Eren hadn’t moved from his position. Thinking he’d either fallen asleep or he was too tangled up in his own thoughts to hear Levi’s words.

“Why are you so fucking stupid? When did you become so fucking weak? Pathetic piece of shit, look at you. Fucking failure.” He spat the words at himself, keeping his words only slightly above a whisper. Getting them out had always felt better. Hearing the words being spoken, helped him realise the truth of them.

He felt like the words were coming from his family, it made everything become all too real for him. The feelings of failure and disappointment, he could see it in his mother’s eyes. She would be so displeased with who he had become. His brother would feel disgust at him, the way he’d let himself go. How he’d stopped looking after himself. The way his ribs now stuck out of his body, along with his spine. How he’d let the scars consume him.

“My family hates me.” He let them win, his demons surfacing. Taking over his thoughts and any kind of reasoning he’d previously had. There was no peace now, only pain.

He couldn’t think about anything else but himself, his own sadness. His own self-pity, the way it made his insides turn. The way he felt his arms become numb, his heart felt like it had sank. He felt like he was going to vomit.

He knew he couldn’t speak to anyone about it, he didn’t need anyone else to feel bad for him, he already felt bad enough for himself. He’d been fighting day after day with himself. He just wanted it all to end, not wanting to speak to anyone else about it. He could tell Eren was a smart person, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out how broken Levi was.

No wonder Eren didn’t want to talk about what happened to him, Levi couldn’t deal with his own problems. Let alone trying to help someone else through theirs.

Feeling like he had no other option, he took a deep breath closed his eyes and made his way over to the bathroom for some privacy. Until he reached the door, he heard a feeble voice come from Eren. An arm reaching out and grabbing his leg lightly.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Levi?”

He didn’t answer, he felt the grip tighten on his leg. They both stayed in silence for a moment.

“Don’t you fucking dare go in there with that frame. I can see it.”

“What does it matter to you? You don’t even know me.” His voice was harsh and it hit a chord in Eren. His face now flushed red in anger, tips of his ears burning with the colour.

“You’re right about that, I don’t know you. It doesn’t matter to me, but to someone out there it will. I can promise you that. Stop drowning in your own self-pity. You’re hurting people, you might not think you are, but you are. I swear to you Levi, if you walk into that bathroom I will scream bloody murder. Do you understand me?” His breathing had become harsh from his words, his chest heaving by the end of it. Almost as if he were hyperventilating, his words were thick with aggression.

“What’s it to you, kid?” He asked.

“Your statement before is true. I don’t know you, Levi. I don’t know if I ever will. But someone out there knows you better than you know yourself. Don’t fucking hurt them.”

“Hurt them? I know what I’m doing. No one else gets hurt but me.”

He knew how pathetic he sounded, but he couldn’t help it. Eren still hadn’t let go of his leg and his grip had only got tighter throughout their ‘conversation’.

“Oh, enough of this shit. You never know when you’re going to lose someone. Life is short, people die unexpectedly, stop destroying yourself and learn to live. Learn to move on from whatever is hurting you so much. Don’t intentionally hurt someone with your actions.” Eren sighed after his speech, his grip loosening on Levi’s leg.

Defeat now clear in his voice, Levi looked down at the boy. His chest was heaving, his free arm shaking violently. Eyes gleaming, eyebrows creased over them, he was staring at Levi. Daring him to move forward.

Levi stalled, before staring back. None of them wanting to back down, they were both dominant people. Eventually feeling himself calm down a little, the raven turned on his heel. “I’m only doing this if you tell me what happened to you.”

Of all the things he could’ve done in that moment, Levi blackmailed Eren. It made him feel disgusted at himself, now he had to blackmail people into speaking with him. He’d never been someone who had manipulated another, yet here he was doing it for his own satisfaction.

“Fine, whatever. Not now, I’m tired, I want to sleep.”

Levi nodded his head in agreement, also feeling slightly lethargic. He wanted to make the most of his feeling of success. Even if it was manipulation, he’d won. He moved back to his bed, set the frame back on his table and pulled the covers around him. Lifting his knees to his chest before exhaustion took over and he eventually fell asleep.

 


	6. Levi's 'condition'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note, to say thanks to everyone who's read up until this point! You guys are awesome <3 
> 
> Another note, I'd like to say a huge thank you to 'Mopsieflops' (A03), attack-on-stalking (Tumblr) for helping me out with this chapter, it was a long one. Also you're amazing. 
> 
> As promised here's the next update for the week <3

Levi’s sleep was cut short, thrashing in his bed he noticed it was wet. The bed had been covered in his sweat, he could feel it as he tried to move. Feeling himself coming down with a fever.

Uncomfortable in this position he tried to move from the bed, only to find he couldn’t, it was as if there were chains holding him in place. He looked around the room, seeing nothing but darkness.

He could feel panic rising in his chest, looking down at his wrists he didn’t see the chains or restraints that he was so sure were there. No matter how much the man struggled he still couldn’t move, each effort at moving was completely in vain. Giving up the little fight he had in him, he tried to make sense of his surroundings and what was happening.

His eyes darted instinctively towards the other bed, that he noticed was now freshly made, no sign of the brunet surrounding the area either. Moving his head from side to side and closing his eyes desperate to get rid of the sinking feeling inside of him. The darkness had not only consumed the room but it seemed to have extended to the halls as well.

“Is anyone out there?!” Levi tried to scream, but his words came out little above a whisper. His heartbeat had started to speed up, he could feel it beating aggressively against his chest, the sound almost deafening. Trying to ground himself he concentrating on his breathing, in and out.

Just what they’d taught him in therapy, in through his nose. Hold. Out through his mouth. Nothing seemed to help elevate the intense feeling of sheer terror. He’d felt like he’d been dreaming, but the feelings were too real for him. Everything felt too authentic, his emotions only heightened as time continued.  

“Can som-eone he-lp me?!” Again, he was trying so desperately to scream, but no sound left his dried, cracked lips.

Although, now he could see a dark outline of a person making its way from the hallway, trying hysterically to reach his arm out, his body betrayed him again. Keeping him tied to the bed. As the silhouette got closer and the distance between them became smaller. It wasn’t relief that Levi was feeling it was pure panic.

He didn’t recognise the figure, it didn’t seem to resemble any of the nurses or doctors he’d seen patrolling the area. Once the dark figure got close enough, he could see the features of it more clearly. He whimpered pathetically.

The silhouette was his mother.

Hair tangled and covered in sticks and dirt. Where her eyes should’ve been were nothing but dark black holes that bore into her broken skull. Lips split in the middle and bloody, dark crimson seeping out of the hole.

She was painfully thin, skeletal looking. Despite her dark features and the gory details, she was wearing her white nightgown. The one Levi had always played in as a child. It now hung sickenly loosely around her bony shoulders.

Her stance was the oddest of all, kneecaps facing inwards, head drooping to the side. Her hands broken at the wrist, almost detaching from her forearms. Each step had the similarity of a zombie.

“Mu-mum?” Levi tried once again to speak, desperate to have some sort of communication with the being. It came out as a broken breath, no words forming. He could feel his stomach turning, the little he ate threatening to make its way up his oesophagus.

He glared at his m-. No. He glared at the odd figure that slightly resembled his mother. She hadn’t said a word, not that he thought she would even be capable of doing so with the way her mouth was still pouring blood. The figure was leaning over him now, its tangled and repulsive falling over his face.

Feeling like he was suffocating, his breath catching in his throat, accompanied by an immense pressure in his chest. Acid making its way up his larynx, he desperately tried to swallow so he wouldn’t vomit and somehow managed to keep his stomach contents where it belonged.

Inhaling deeply, trying to get ground himself. He regretted his actions immediately as he smelt the figure above him. She smelt a rotting corpse, along with the distinctive smell of spirits. Whiskey as clear as day as she opened her mouth to scream at him.

Though it didn’t sound like her screaming, he’d become accustomed to that noise before she had died. It was more of a demonic sound that left her mouth. Desperate, broken and haunting that sent its waves through his paralysed body.

His hair haphazardly flew around in the force of its scream. He closed his eyes, trying to get rid of the being in front of him. He couldn’t take much more of this, the feeling of his stomach turning. He felt like he had fallen from a ten story building and survived, each muscle aching more as each second passed.

He felt a cold bony finger pulling his eyelid back, forcing him to investigate those black holes, where his mother’s shining grey eyes should’ve been. The being put a hand around his throat, but no pressure was being applied. He let a few stray tears fall from his eyes, feeling grateful that he could even produce them in this moment.

“Mu-mum. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I should’ve helped you.” His vocal chords had finally started to work and he knew how weak he sounded, but it was true. He regretted letting his mother die, he had always felt like it was his fault. The feeling of her hand around his throat was still burning.

He sobbed uncontrollably, feeling the true meaning behind his words. The words he had been so desperate to tell her for the longest of times. That he was sorry. He wasn’t angry at her death anymore, he just felt like he could’ve done more to help her.

The more he sobbed, the less he noticed the smell coming from his mother. Instead he opened his eyes, red and puffy. Watching now in amazement as she changed in front of his eyes.

It started with her hair, somehow, majestically untangling itself. The sticks and dirt disappearing into thin air. Long, black silky locks returned, falling delicately over her shoulders. Now looking much healthier, thicker and softer. Her eyes returning, the black holes burning a bright white temporarily blinding him.

He shielded his eyes as the brightness became too much, opening them after a few moments. His breath hitched in his throat, at the view. Her skin was pale, like snow, like his own. Her grey eyes now glistening beautifully, her figure was fuller now. Her lips had returned to their usual pink tone. A gentle smile now presents on her beautiful face, she moved her hand, now cupping his face.

He stared at her for what felt like an eternity before he noticed her mouth move, he listened carefully. Desperate to hear her voice again, “Levi. Listen to me sweetheart, don’t become the monster you think you are. You’re not a monster. You couldn’t stop what happened to us. Please, forgive yourself.” She spoke so softly, he felt himself whimper at the sound.

He nuzzled against her hand, loving the feeling of her wiping his tears from his eyes. He felt safe now, at home. Where he belonged. With her, with her and his brother.

“Let me come home.” He muttered under his breath.

“No. Farlan and I aren’t ready for you yet.” She was firm, but also kind in her words. He knew what she meant. It wasn’t his time yet, but he was so desperate for it to be.

He felt a sharp pain in his chest.

Then another, and another. Before he could stop himself the sound and vision of his mother disappeared. He cried out for her to stay with him. But the more he struggled and thrashed the more he felt himself becoming weak.

“Please, don’t leave me!” He screamed at her.

\---

“Mr. Ackerman?” He recognised the voice of Sasha, her stupid bubbly voice cutting through his ears.

“Wh-yeah?” He spoke, trying to move away from the light that was shining in his eyes.

“Ahh, hello. Good to see you with us again. You’ve been having a spasm, nothing to worry about. We just had to sedate you slightly, you may feel slightly uncomfortable.” She spoke matter of factly.

He looked down at himself, noticing the pillows that surrounded him, each one keeping him from thrashing out. “Just, had a nightmare is all.” His voice sounded strained and weak. Vulnerable. In the moment though, he didn’t care. He felt almost at peace. He’d seen his mother, it helped him settle.

“Nurse?” He asked.

“Yes, Mr. Ackerman?” Sasha answered as she busied herself with removing the pillows from Levi’s bed.

“When will I get out of here?” He hated how weak he sounded, how utterly exhausted he knew he must’ve looked. But in contrast, he knew it couldn’t compare to how he felt.

“I’m not sure Mr. Ackerman. I’ll get the Doctor in to examine you. She’ll be able to answer any questions you may have.”

He grimaced at her, knowing he couldn’t avoid speaking about his ‘condition’ but he hated the sound of it.

Managing to sit himself up on the bed, his body no longer tied down, he looked across to the other bed. Momentarily he’d forgotten about the boy across from him, but he felt relief wash over him as he noticed the brunet lying peacefully on the bed. The thoughts of the night before returned, and he felt himself recoil at his stupidity.

Sasha excused herself from the room and explained she would get the doctor in as soon as possible. He moved himself from his sitting position and stood, aiming to go for a shower to clean the sweat from himself. He felt a little unsteady on his feet, but managed to stay up long enough to give Sasha a quick nod before she left him.

As he walked over to the bathroom door he noticed Eren’s eyelids flicker slightly. “You’re okay, Levi.” He spoke lazily, quiet enough so only Levi would hear him.

Levi smiled at the gesture, before entering the bathroom and undressing himself. He felt disgusted with what he saw, looking at his wounds. They seemed to be healing well, hoping in vain that they wouldn't scar too badly this time.

Turning the shower on and standing nude for a few more minutes, waiting on the water heating up. He noticed the mirror that was in the room and looked at himself from different angles. He looked awful. He had really let himself go this past year. He was thinner than he’d ever been, food never really appealing to him anymore.

He saw his ribs stick out as he took a deep breath in, he looked like his mother had in his nightmare. Disgustingly thin, pale, his cheekbones protruding slightly. He lazily touched his wrist, feeling it sting under his touch. He knew it was going to scar, another large nasty scar to add to his collection.

“With a body like this how am I supposed to get better?” He asked his reflection.

He really detested looking at himself now, he had never been proud of his appearance. A permanent frown etched across his face, always making him seem unapproachable. He wondered if it was a gift or a curse.

Having enough of his pity party, he hopped into the shower. Cherishing the warmth spreading over his aching muscles, cleaning himself thoroughly. Scrubbing the soap against his skin, until it turned red from the fierceness of it.

After feeling satisfied with his cleanliness, he dried himself off thoroughly. Deciding he wanted to feel slightly more human, he decided he’d wear some of the clothes that were stashed in his bag, pulling a fluffy towel around himself and hitching it up to his chest to avoid any stares he might get.

Eren was still resting on his bed, this time his eyes were open. Beautiful, bright emerald orbs bright and aware, he looked like he was really taking in everything around him. Which Levi couldn’t understand, because, well, there wasn’t much to look at in the white room. He made eye contact with the brunet and Eren smirked at him, wiggling his eyebrows nodding at his towel and letting out a small chuckle.

The action made Levi blush slightly, though he tried to hide his face by rushing to grab his bag and heading back into the bathroom as quick as he possibly could. He sighed contently once the door was closed, leaning himself against the door. Before hitting himself briefly in the face, “Stop acting like a fucking kid!” He swore angrily at himself. Annoyed at his own actions.

He threw on the clothes that had been brought in for him, black, baggy jeans that hung a little too loosely on his bony hips and a plain long sleeved grey top. He felt a little better from being clothed, he’d become sick of wearing the hospital gown. At least now he could partially hide his shame.

The days he spent at home he’d rarely been able to get dressed, the feeling of depression like a cloud constantly over him. Being in hospital and feeling relief when he had gotten dressed had felt like a small achievement. Usually he’d opt for something a little more comfortable than jeans, his favourite were his oversized sweatpants that he’d pretty much lived his life in recently.

He pulled his sleeves over his knuckles in a desperate measure to hide his scars, anything to make them seem like they weren’t there anymore. He gave himself a quick glance in the mirror again and picked up his things and left the room.

Moving with haste back to his bed, he tidied up his small mess and sat on the edge of the bed again. Daring the glance at the boy again, he saw him sat up delicately biting on some dry toast. The man looked so young in that moment, big bright eyes glaring at him. Levi had remembered he hadn’t even asked Eren his age yet.

He was sure they’d have time to talk about it soon enough, in the meantime he picked at his fingernails waiting for the doctor to arrive. He found himself growing increasingly impatient at the clock ticked the seconds by. He tried walking around the room, staring out the window a couple of times before settling back on the bed again.

Today was an odd day, he was torn between wanting to run out the doors and get away from everything and yet here he was sitting on the bed waiting for a doctor to come in to… to help him. He felt like he wanted help today. He felt like he couldn’t continue this streak he was on. Watching as Petra walked into the room, bright smiles and her eyes looking less tired than they had the last time they’d met. He smiled weakly at her, waiting for her to move to him.

Only…she didn’t. Instead she made her way over to Eren, pulling the curtains across and blocking his view before he heard any hushed whispers. He was tempted to get up and eavesdrop, but decided against it almost immediately. He briefly heard Eren mumbling something that he couldn’t make out. Although what he could make out was the exhaustion in the man’s voice, it came out weak.

He stared at the curtain, begging for it to move, just so he could catch a glimpse of Eren’s face while he heard the murmurs, desperate to see the emotion he could clearly hear. Although he was used to hearing his voice like that, hearing it from someone else almost hurt him. He wanted to reassure Eren from whatever he was feeling.

He rapidly moved his head when he heard the curtains moving and watched as Petra left. Leaving the curtain open again, Levi desperately tried to seek eye contact from Eren, but the boy refused.

“Eren?” He asked quietly.

“Hey.”Eren replied, offering no other invitation of conversation.

Just as Levi was about to start speaking, trying to pry any information out of him, when his voice was briefly interrupted by two male nurses walking into the room. Heading straight for Eren and unlocking the bed’s wheels.

Levi watched pathetically as they wheeled Eren away from him, almost feeling like a part of him was leaving with him. He knew it was stupid, but he’d felt like maybe he was actually making a friend here in the hospital. Now his friend was being wheeled away from him, the brunet only offered him a broken smile as they took him away.

He was going to speak to Eren today, they’d agreed last night that’s what they were going to do. How could they do this to him? It was so unfair. After all the shit he’d been through. He watched in utter horror as Petra wiped Eren’s name off the board behind him. Bile rising in his throat again.

He almost felt like Eren had betrayed him, obviously the raven had disturbed him so much that he’d requested a change in room. He kicked himself, physically, in the back of the shin for letting Eren in on his moments of weakness. Of course, it wouldn’t work out, it never had before.

Feeling the all too familiar pain in his stomach, he pulled himself back onto the bed, pulling his knees as close to his chest as he possibly could. He sat there for what felt like hours, now in silence. No beeping coming from Eren, no soft breaths leaving his mouth when he slept.

He felt himself losing control again, desperate to get himself under his own control again he grabbed at his wrist and put as much pressure on it as he possibly could. He could feel the pain spreading through his skin, burning, the feeling working his way up his arm. Finally, he felt some relief, sighing as he felt himself gaining control again.

Just as he was about to take a step further and begin to pick at the broken skin a woman walked through the door. Platinum blond hair tied in a messy bun, a hooked nose and dim blue eyes. She was smaller than Levi was, but he could tell she was someone who held herself with confidence. As she walked over to him she put out her hand for him to shake.

“Hello, Mr. Ackerman, my name is Dr.Leonhardt. I’m here to assess your condition. My colleagues have informed me of your past ad your current struggles. I’d like to go into a bit more detail in regards to your most recent actions. If we may?” Her voice was harsher than any of the other staff members. Levi took an instant dislike to her, not reaching his hand out to shake hers after her speech.

“What do you want to know?” He spat, he felt tired now. The only thing he had been looking forward to in his time here had just been taken away from him not too long ago.

“Let’s start with any questions you may have. Sasha informed me you’ve been experiencing mild discomfort in the mornings. Could you describe that to me?” Her eyes were now piercing into Levi’s own. He felt like he was being interrogated.

“Yeah, that’s right. I’m waking in the mornings and I feel like my throat is on fire. It’s as though I’ve been screaming all night.”

 “Well…” She looked down at her notes, “Levi, I can assure you that’s not the case. Until last night, you seemed to have been getting a good night’s sleep. What I can tell you, however, is that when you were found you had swallowed and excessive amount of water. As a result, when we managed to get you back to consciousness you were coughing up a large amount of water. This would explain your pain. We have done x-rays although, and we are confident you will have no long-lasting conditions.”

“Makes sense. Is there anything else you can tell me about the incident? I don’t remember much of it…” He averted his eyes, shamefully.

“Of course, Mr. Ackerman, someone had pulled you out of the river. They called us straight away and we managed to get you stabilized in the ambulance. Because of your recklessness, we did for a small amount of time place a tube in your lungs to extract the water. It seems you have had a lucky escape.” Her voice was harsh again.

Levi scrunched his face in annoyance, not bothering with a reply. Instead he became interested, once again, in his fingernails. Picking at the sides of them. Dr. Leonhardt sighed.

“I think we can establish that you will have no long-lasting damage from this act of sheer idiocy, although it seems we have a long way to go until you have recovered fully…mentally.”

“I’m seeing a therapist.” He grunted at her.

 

“Which is something I don’t think is working out. We have decided that Zoe Hange will no longer be rehabilitating you. We will be transferring you to another more experienced therapist, who primarily deals with older gentlemen with mental health disorders.”

“I don’t have a disorder!” Levi finally snapped. Now he was angry, he didn’t need to be ‘diagnosed’ he was just sad. He’d lost two very important people to him in a very short amount of time, anyone would feel the way he does. If they didn’t, the there was something clearly wrong with them and not him.

“It’s understandable that you’re frustrated Mr. Ackerman. But you can only help yourself, whether you agree with our diagnosis is up to you. I am here to help you, as are countless other people who will now be involved in your life moving on from this.”

“Sure, whatever you need to do to sleep at night, Doc.” Sarcasm thick in his voice.

“Sir, the sooner you understand and accept that we are here to help you. The easier your recovery will be. Moving on, however, your new therapist will be Mike Zacharias. We have also made some living arrangements for you. Mr Smith will be picking you up and will be working alongside us to help rehabilitate you. This is a required step and is not up for negotiation.”

“What if I don’t agree?”

“Then we send you 100 miles away to the Sina mental health facility.”

Levi hummed at her words, knowing he didn’t have much of a choice.

“We will go into details when Mr. Smith arrived. You’re very lucky to have a friend like him. You should also be aware that Mr Smith and your therapist will be in regular contact in regards to your health.”

Levi hated the way decisions were being made for him, he didn’t like the sound of these ‘arrangements’ at all. But the latter was worse. He didn’t need anyone to look after him. He could get by himself with no problems at all. If he really wanted to.

“Sir? Do you agree to these conditions? If so, I believe you will be able to leave by the end of the week.”

“Yes, fine. Whatever.” He spoke quietly, feeling defeated. He felt as though he wasn’t really getting a say in all of this. He could either deal with the fact that his friend would essentially be his carer, or, travel one hundred miles away and be somewhere away from everything he…loved?

All he wanted now, was to go to his own home and be alone. Away from everyone and everything. People were exhausting. He was tired of being surrounded by sickness and suffering of others. His days were now full of hearing people groaning, complaining, coughing and worse of all…vomiting. It was exhausting being in hospital.

Dr. Leonhardt nodded at Levi, turned on her heel and exited the room. Not a few minutes later the blond giant walked in. Erwin fucking Smith. He must’ve been waiting for them to finish before he walked in. He walked over to Levi, before sitting on the chair and looked down at the dishevelled man. He moved, his hand and placed it on Levi’s own. Levi let him.

“Levi. I’m so sorry for the way I walked out on your before. It wasn’t fair of me to put my feelings before yours. I just want you to know that I love you, brother. Each time you do something like this, it hurts me. Mentally and physically, I know you don’t mean it. I also know how much you hate my heart to hearts. So I’ll keep it short,” he laughed, “but I’m going to put my heart and soul into helping you get better. I need you in my life, Levi. I couldn’t live with myself if anything ever happened to you.”

The raven looked down at their hands, and placed his other hand over Erwin’s before giving him a brief squeeze of thanks. “Dude, when did you become so angry?” He laughed at himself, the sound seeming foreign to him now.

“It’s so good to hear you laugh again. You have no idea.” He smiled widely, trying to control his emotions of happiness.

“Erwin, enough of this soppy shit. Please!” He begged.

“Okay, anyway. I have something for you. It’ll be a while before they can discharge you and I have a lot of meetings to attend to in the meantime. But I thought this might help you in the meantime.” He pulled out something from his back-pocket Levi made an audible gasp. His eyes becoming a little wet from the item Erwin had just pulled out.

Erwin didn’t need to say a word as he passed the fabric across to Levi. Who gripped onto it for dear life. He held onto it so tightly his knuckles had turned white. He held it up to his nose briefly.

“You washed it?” He looked up at his friend, not concerned with how he may look in this moment. He let a stray tear fall from his eye, smiling weakly at his friend. He recognised the smell, it was the only washing powder he used for the cravat. The one his mother had used, he would never change that. For as long as it was available he would wash the fabric in that particular scent. It smelt exactly like her. He whimpered into the soft material.

Levi stood from his bed and hugged Erwin, awkwardly. The blond was slightly taken aback by the physical contact, but rather than mentioning his surprise he just held onto the much smaller man. Hugging him as tightly as he could while the latter sobbed into his shoulder, whispering his thanks to the man.

Once he’d calmed down, he moved back to his sitting position on the edge of the bed. He couldn’t even begin to explain how grateful he was that he hadn’t lost that cravat. He had no others than even compared to this one, it had been made for him from his mother. It was the only thing he still had from her that he felt wasn’t tainted. He was sure it would’ve disappeared into the river, just like he had wanted to.

He sat with his friend for most the afternoon, well past visiting hours. The nurses let them have their time, since no one else was sharing the room with tea. Eventually tea time arrived and Erwin was forced to say his goodbyes. Levi pulled himself up onto the bed and lay down flat. Feeling much calmer than he had in what felt like months. He felt more relaxed after speaking with his friend.

Sasha arrived with his meal and left him in peace. Not long after finishing he fell into a dreamless sleep. One he was very grateful for.

 

 


	7. Living with Erwin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin picks up Levi from the hospital.

Erwin drove quickly to the hospital. Feeling the anticipation of picking up Levi burning in his stomach. He’d spent the majority of the week sorting out things at his house to try and make his friend as comfortable as he could. He was slightly taken aback that everything was happening so quickly. He’d received a call from the nurses in the morning asking to come and collect Levi this afternoon. His friend seemed to have been recovering well.

He was feeling happy that Levi had come around to the idea of living with Erwin. Although, officially, Erwin would temporarily be Levi’s carer. Depending on how things went, would decide Levi’s future for him but Erwin felt optimistic about it all. He knew it would be a rough couple of months to begin with but he hoped they would both settle into a routine.

The blond parked his car near the entrance, surprised he could a space so close. He started to speed walk to the floor that his friend was on, feeling himself becoming giddy with excitement for Levi. Although, he knew he’d have to control his emotions whilst everything was being filled out considering the situation at hand. It had been so long since the pair had spent any time together that Erwin jumped at the chance to look after his friend.

He also thought it would be easier this way, Levi would be less likely to lash out at him compared to some stranger. Luckily, the doctors and therapists had agreed to the arrangements. Home visits would be made and they’d have to see some sort of improvement in a few months’ time for the arrangement to continue. Erwin was confident he could get through to his friend.

He had cleared out a room in the opposite side of the house for Levi, somewhere so he would feel like he had the privacy he deserved. Although in the back of his mind he knew the most painful part of the collection was yet to come. He’d have to take Levi back to his house to collect some things for him. He also knew they’d have to look at that haunted, disturbing room together.

It didn’t take Erwin long to reach the floor that Levi was on, walking through the large double doors and making sure to wash his hands with the antibacterial spray that was there. He could see the raven sat in the visitor’s room with another nurse. Head in his hands.

He could feel the distress coming from Levi. There was a lot of paperwork and agreements he needed to sort out before they would let him leave. Erwin made his way towards the pair, standing behind Levi and placing his massive hands on the raven’s thin shoulders. He gave him a small squeeze to let him know that he was ready to take him away from this hell.

“Hey Levi. Ready to go?” He smiled down at his friend.

“Hey, almost. Just got to fill out the last of this shitty paperwork and sign my life away.” Erwin could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

“I promise you. It’ll all be worth it in the end, my brother.”

Erwin took a seat beside Levi and waited for an hour for all the paperwork to be signed off and action plans agreed. The raven had agreed to a six-month trial period. He was to meet with his new therapist twice a week for a month and then, depending on how things were progressing, change back to his usual once a week.

Eventually, everything had been signed and people had been called. Levi and Erwin made their way out of the hospital.

Levi walked slowly behind Erwin, he was looking into every room they passed. He was desperately searching for the brunet after he’d been moved rooms…or rather requested. Maybe the boy had been discharged, or had moved floors. Regardless, it had dampened his spirits, knowing he couldn’t grab one last look at those beautiful eyes of his. Levi stopped himself before he groaned, there was something about that caramel skinned beauty that had spoke volumes to Levi. The feeling frustrated him to no end.

It seemed like they’d never see each other again and that he’d never be able to explore more of his odd feelings. The thought upsetting him almost as much as it made him feel relieved. Although, a part of him wondered if he could find out more about the brunet just to satisfy his curiosity.

Once they had exited the building, Levi felt himself stretching, leaning his head back and facing the sky he closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. Relaxing as he felt the fresh air for first time in over a week. For the start of summer, the air still had a frost to it. Something Levi always appreciated was a frosty morning with the sun out.

The raven had always preferred the winter months over summer, he always held onto those cooler months. The months when no one would be asking him why he was wearing long sleeved t-shirts. The months when he didn’t think he was going to pass out from overheating. Although, he supposed that was better than the alternative. The alternative being people staring at those ghastly red and silver lines. Asking him what they were… Wasn’t it obvious?

Finally, having had enough of the fresh air, he made his way to Erwin’s estate, once inside the car he cranked open the window, only slightly. He was desperate to feel the cool air on his skin now he had the chance to.

“Levi, we need to go to your house to pick up some things…This is going to be hard for not only you, but for me too. We need to talk about that room.” Erwin cut through the comfortable silence they had previously shared. He wasn’t asking this from Levi, he was demanding it. Levi knew better than to argue with him when he was this determined. It would only end in black eyes and bloody noses.

It had only felt like a few minutes of driving before Erwin pulled up outside Levi’s house. The pair made their way to the door, closing the gate on their way in. As soon as they walked across the threshold Levi felt himself becoming sick. Taking an audible gasp and swaying slightly, he had forgotten how this house had made him feel. He knew it wouldn’t have taken him long to get used to the feeling he felt on his shoulders as soon as he walked through the door.

The house itself was freezing, Levi hadn’t bothered keeping the heating on that night. Although he had noticed it had been cleaned up, no cups and glasses littering the living room. Erwin hadn’t put the heating on, not wanting Levi to feel comfortable in this house anymore. It was going to be tough but he knew Levi would have to give up this house.

“Are you ready?” The blond asked, more to himself than Levi.

“Yes.”

The pair made their way through the living room and up the stairs. The stood outside of the room, it had felt like Levi’s dirty little secret. He had always taken pride in keeping his house absolutely spotless, but this room was unlike the others.

Erwin held his breath as he pushed open the door, letting Levi step into the room first. He chose to stand right in the middle. Just walking into this room, Levi felt like it was colder than the rest of the already freezing house.

Papers littered the floor, all suicide notes that he had previously written. Every single one of them with the same words written on them, “I couldn’t live my life without them, I’d say I’m sorry but truth is, I’m not.” Each of them a different type of writing, whether it be neat and cursive or messy and unjointed.

Erwin hadn’t said anything, only watched Levi with eyes wide. Fear in the pit of his stomach. The walls were painted in a deep maroon colour, black scribblings along three walls, all profanities and threats. One wall was written with white paints, cursive and beautiful; words of encouragement could be seen under big black lines. It seemed like the words no longer offered the previous encouragement that they once held. The window was covered in black tape, stopping any sort of daylight entering the room. The room felt…wrong. On so many different levels.

One of the maroon walls had nooses covering it, each one Levi had signed… it was more than a little disturbing. Some more elaborate than others. Levi had practiced for months trying to perfect the correct tying of a noose. He felt odd that he had never tried this method before. Each one hung on silver hooks. The last wall was covered in knives and blades. All hung up just like the nooses. Some of them with old blood crusted on the edges and others were pristine.

There was a cupboard the could be seen at the back of the room, the door left open and they could both see the supplies that had fallen to the ground. Bandages, saline solutions, butterfly stitches, anti-bacterial wipes and so forth.

Erwin visibly winced at the sight of the sharp razor blades that littered the floor alongside bloody bandages and tissues. He couldn’t understand why Levi would have such a room in his house. It seemed so…dirty.

Levi looked up at Erwin, eyes full of sadness and regret, “Well Erwin, welcome to my dirty, disgusting secret.”

“How long have you had this room for?” Erwin asked hesitantly. Not truly wanting to know the answer.

“A while,” was all that was offered. Levi had never spoken to anyone about this room before, so even talking about it out loud now made his gut churn. He knew this was coming as soon as he’d left the hospital. But nothing could’ve ever truly prepared him for it. He felt absolutely ashamed of himself.

The room was an absolute state, standing out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of his house. He mentally kicked himself for not locking the door on the room, although knowing deep down that it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. He had secretly wanted someone to find this room. He’d kept it a secret for long enough.

He so desperately needed someone to see what he had become in these last few years. He needed someone to really know exactly how he was feeling, but he knew he couldn’t do it with mere words. They had always fallen on deaf ears, he’d tried to leave sly hints but he had thought maybe he was being too subtle in his comments. He knew he couldn't ever express himself the way he had wanted to. His body now incapable of expressing anything other than depression.

He stood staring at his friend, until eventually he was engulfed in a bear like hug. Tight and unforgiven.

“Levi, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this all alone. I should've known.”

“No one knew. How could you?”

Levi had never been good at expressing himself. Even when he was a little more stable he couldn’t even let a tear fall as Nanaba left him, screaming at him to say something. He just stood there, motionless until she told him she couldn’t love someone like him and closed the door on their relationship.

Deciding they’d have enough of the eerie room, Erwin left Levi out. Once he closed the door and pulled out the key and locked it he turned to Levi, “You’ll never see that room again Levi, I promise you. There's nothing in there that you need.”

Levi felt a pang in his stomach, he needed everything in that room. Eventually the rational part of his brain came into view, and he knew he didn’t. He did not need it anymore.

Erwin had asked Levi to pack up some things that he might need over the next few weeks. Although he’d made a point of saying only to take things that he absolutely required…He’d also made a fair point of not bringing anything sharp with him. Levi knew better than to try and sneak something past the giant.

He grabbed everything he needed. Toiletries, clothes and a couple of books along with his gaming consoles. He couldn't live without them after all. Then made his way back to where Erwin was downstairs.

“Okay, I’m done.” He offered weakly.

Erwin nodded in response and they left the house together. Erwin making a point of not letting Levi have his keys back. Levi knew it was for the best, but it still hurt him knowing that Erwin no longer trusted him.

Erwin began driving again, turning the radio on. Turning it down so Levi had the freedom to speak if he so wished. They made small talk in the car, Erwin setting out some ground rules for Levi, all of which were non-negotiable. These rules included Levi not being allowed to leave the house unless it was with supervision, he wasn’t permitted to make food without Erwin being in the same room. If he was to be alone, it was only to be for the bare minimum amount of time. He knew these were all things he had to agree to or else he would be sent away.

Levi had wondered just exactly how Erwin was to monitor him since the man had a full-time job. Was he going to be forced to accompany Erwin to his place of work, feeling himself becoming both angry and embarrassed at the possible situation. He felt like he was being treated like a child. But he didn’t have the energy to argue in the moment.

Eventually they pulled up to Erwin’s house, well, it was more like a mansion. He parked the car in the garage. The raven had always been jealous of Erwin’s life decisions and fortune. The only thing the man seemed to be lacking was a nice woman to welcome him home on those long days at the office. Something that Erwin never seemed to speak about, maybe he just hadn’t found the right woman yet?

Or person, maybe Erwin didn’t like women at all. Just like Levi, once Nanaba had left him all thoughts of women had also left with her. They just seemed like too much hassle, granted he wasn’t fond of men either. There was no one out there that would suit Levi, this he was sure of.

Letting his train of thoughts stop, he grabbed his bags and followed Levi to his new room, feeling grateful that he’d actually been given a room in the first place. He’d had previous fears that he would’ve had to have shared a room with Erwin. That would’ve been the last straw for him.

First off, Erwin hadn’t seen the full extent of Levi’s injuries, although now he was sure he’d had the full run down with the Doctor before they’d left. The idea of Erwin looking at his damaged body was enough to make him rethink these living arrangements. The other was that Erwin smoked like a damn chimney and the stench would no doubt be enough to send him on his way. Although he appreciated that Erwin had a rule that there was to be no smoking in the house, although Erwin’s room seemed to be the exception to that rule.

The other issue was that Erwin was a damn snorer, and not one of those ‘cute’ ones either. The man sounded like a baby elephant having a seizure when he snores. The man would never admit it himself though and that was half the problem. Erwin had always thought of himself as a light sleeper.

Once Erwin had placed some of the bags on Levi’s bed and left him in peace. He’d mentioned he’d be back once dinner was made. Levi felt the relief was over him, enjoying the silence he now had surrounding him. He began unpacking his things, among those where his cravat that he placed on his bed. He didn’t care who would see that cravat placed on his bed, he’d still be sleeping clutching onto that tonight.

He placed the photograph of his family on the bedside table right beside the lamp that was placed there, so he could get quick access to it if he needed it. Occasionally it had helped bring him back from his panic attacks. Placing his clothes away neatly in the wardrobe. Then went into his ensuite to put his toiletries away.

He wondered how long he would be here for, but figured out quickly that he’d be here for the foreseeable future. Which was something he was just going to have to come to terms with it. After putting all his things away he sat on his bed, feeling comfortable. The mattress doing wonders on his sore back from the hospital bed. Then turned on the tv.

It was on the news channel, which was all Erwin would ever watch. What kept his eyes on the screen however, was the news anchor who was stood outside of the hospital…the hospital that he’d just left hours before.

 

His mind went blank, finally he managed to capture some of the words that the anchor was speaking, “-only survivor of a three car pile up is currently staying in this hospital. Although at the moment, we are not permitted entry we have been informed that 23-year-old Eren Jaeger is in a stable condition, with only minor injuries. It’s an abso—.“ The screen was cut off as Erwin entered the room. .

“C’mon, dinner is ready.”

In confusion, Levi followed thinking to himself could that be the same Eren that he had spoken to before?

“Eren Jaeger,” he let the name fall from his tongue.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys!! thank you all for the comments, views and kudos you are all incredible! <3


	8. Therapy and the boy with the bright eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all in the chapter title =P

“So, Levi, obviously this is our first session and as a result I want you to tell me a little about yourself.”

Mr. Zacharias’s room was dark. The curtains had been closed over letting only a glimpse of sunlight through. He watched as the dust particles danced in the air, frustrating him to no end. He wanted to swat at the air to get rid of them, just another reason he disliked the warmer months; the sunlight could capture all the dirt that he couldn’t clean.

Glancing around his surroundings, he took note of the walls. Plain, boring, white, decorated only with a couple of oak framed certificates. The therapist also had a few photographs on the wall above his chair. All of people smiling brightly at the camera, his arm wrapped lazily around what he guessed were previous ‘patients’. He frowned before speaking.

“I’m a thirty-two-year-old man who can’t get over the death of his mother and brother. I used to have a job that kept me busy, I have been off sick now for months due to my instability. I have not been contacted about my return. I self-“yours.” He said as he nodded towards the overflowing file that was on the table top. He noted it was bursting at the seams, different coloured labels sticking out.

“Good. Although you seem hesitant to share your feelings, you are aware of your actions and why you behave the way you do. That’s a good start. It tells me you are not delirious, nor are you in danger to those around you.” His therapist spoke with a nod of acknowledgement, scribbling notes down in his book.

“I’ve been made aware that you had previously been seeing Dr. Hange, how do you feel your development was with them? I can see you’ve been in therapy for a number of years.” Zacharias spoke, clearly displeased with the lack of progress in Levi.

“The meetings were a waste of time, both mine and theirs. We both knew they couldn’t treat me. I was too far gone for their type of therapy… But I liked them.” He knew he shouldn’t say that, but it was true. He genuinely liked them as a person.

 “Hmm, I see.”

“So, what’s next on that big list of yours doc?” Levi asked, exhaustion clear in his voice. Although this was his first session with the Dr, he hadn’t wanted to dive in head first with his feelings. He’d never been good at that in the first place. Levi knew he would be back here in a few days’ time, maybe he’d feel more like sharing then.

“The first part is finding a medication to suit your needs, I’d also like to send you to art therapy. You seem to fiddle a lot, can’t stay still. It has a record of accomplishment of working for self-harmers…keeps your hands busy.”

“What does this art therapy entail?” Levi asked, suddenly he became interested in this new method. It was something new, every other therapist and doctor had only given him medication to try and numb his pain. He’d always enjoyed drawing as a child. His head filled with fond memories of him and his brother, painting in the back garden, slurping on lemonade.

“You would go to a class full of other patients, or if you would prefer, we could set you up with a one to one session with the teacher. If it’s something you’re interested in, I could set it up for you.” The Dr felt himself smile, he was clearly satisfied with Levi’s interest in the matter.

 The smaller man hummed, knowing he would be better suited to a one on one session. However, the idea of one person ‘critiquing’ his work made him internally cringe. If he were in a group, he’d be sure that his work would be better than some others. Even if it had been years since he had put pencil to paper.

“Would I be able to do a one to one session to begin with, then join the group if I feel comfortable enough?”

“Absolutely Levi, I’m glad to see you cooperating with me. I’ll be honest I wasn’t expecting our session to go as well as it has.”

“Doc- I-“

The therapist interrupted him, “Please, Mike is fine.”

“Mike. I uhh, I…” Levi hovered over his words, unsure of where all this was coming from. Ever since Erwin had taken him home and he was out of his family home, he had felt much calmer and in tone with himself. He recalled last night, speaking with Erwin about his want to recover.

 “Go on.” Mike said, hand extended out in offering.

“I, I’d like to..” He took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. “I’d like to recover now. I’ve been miserable for so long, I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like.” He felt himself shuffle as the words made him feel uncomfortable. But he knew his words were true. He was tired of feeling the same way every day.

“That’s really great to hear Levi. I wasn’t expecting you to say that, certainly not in our first session. We are here to help you.” Mike glanced down at his watch and offered a soft smile to the other man. “I think we’re at a natural end of this session. We will have another session this Thursday, we’ll discuss proposed medication then. Thanks for coming in, Levi.” Mike stretched his hand out and found Levi giving him a firm handshake.

Levi left the room, feeling surprisingly upbeat about his first session. He hadn’t expected to keep calm and collected throughout it, but he gave himself a mental pat on the back for today’s achievement. He knew the road ahead would be lone, but he was all too aware that his depression had gone on for too long. He felt like it was time he truly try to get better.

As he exited the building, he instantly saw Erwin in his car, on the phone as usual. He’d been more than a little busy this past week since taking Levi in. To which, now, Levi would be eternally grateful for, although he had been less than enthusiastic about the arrangement in the first instant. Erwin had been patient with Levi, and had tried his best to be reasonable. At time, Levi felt like he was being treated as a child, but he knew he deserved this treatment.

Levi made his way to Erwin’s car, he opened the passenger’s side and slid in, smiling in acknowledgement to his larger friend. Erwin nodded in response and quickly said his goodbyes to the person on the phone before looking at Levi, face laced with concern.

“Errrm, how did it go?” His voice a patch higher than usual, to which Levi frowned.

 “It was fine. I’ll see him again on Thursday. You’ll no doubt get a call giving you a full update.”

“What do you want for dinner?”

Levi was taken aback by his sudden change of subject, hadn’t he wanted to more know about the session? He did feel thankful that Erwin was changing the subject. He was being a lot more reasonable to Levi’s wishes.

In response to Erwin’s question, Levi’s stomach made an audible growl. Both of them laughing.

“I could always go for some pasta, or pizza?” Levi questioned, he wasn’t sure whether they’d go for takeout of if they’d make it at home.

“Pasta sounds good. Where to? We can take out and head back home, relax a little. Maybe play some games?” Erwin spoke, a smile appearing on his face. He also wanted to get back to some sort of normality.

“Sounds good. Ristorante di Giglio d’acqua has always been a favourite of mine.”

 Erwin drove the ten-minute journey to the restaurant, ordered their meals and headed back to the house. The smell coming from the pasta making both of their mouths water in anticipation. It didn’t take too long to return to the mansion, traffic had been light.

This would be Levi’s fourth day in the house, he still felt uncomfortable in the large building. However, he had been coming to terms with the fact this would be his home for the near future. The raven had been trying his best to make himself ‘at home’, but this home felt completely different to what he was used to.

Levi had been given his phone after this first night, in case there were any emergencies and he required medical attention. He felt happy that he was able to have a bit of freedom with his phone, but felt upset for the reason he was given it. Then again, he knew he only had himself to blame.

Once they had finished their meals, Levi bid Erwin goodnight, passing on the offer to play games, and returned to his room, keen to have a shower. It had been a long day for him and all he wanted to do now was sit down and relax. He turned on the TV as soon as he entered room, the news channel still on. This had become routine now. He was still desperate to hear more about Eren.

There was something about Eren that really messed Levi up, he had never acted like this before. Not even with Nanaba, he had never been all that interested in her. It just…happened. Looking back, he was satisfied with their time together, as it had taught the raven not to open up. Bad things always happened when he had shown his true colours. After all, Nanaba had left him as soon as she found out the type of man Levi was.

But that man, that man with those beautiful bright eyes, gentle and caring. Eren hadn’t known Levi long, in fact it had only been hours in reality. Yet, he had comforted Levi without questioning him. It was something that shocked the raven, no one before had ever bothered to comfort him, they had all gone straight to blame. Granted, Eren had eventually turned on him, but he felt like the brunet’s actions spoke louder than his words.

_“You’re doing this to yourself Levi!”_

_“Stop being so damn selfish and think of other people for a change!”_

_“Those scars will never fade, they will be a constant reminder of the failure you really are.”_

_“Get your act together, stop acting like a spoiled child!”_

The words making their way into his mind once again, but rather than falling into old habits. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He tried to find a ‘safe place’ squeezing his eyes closed as hard as he could.

What came into view surprised him slightly. It was a view of the ocean, a teal coloured sea glistening under the orange hue of the sky, the sun just setting. Waves were crashing onto the golden beach, he could smell the salt in the air. ‘ _Well this is a little odd_ ,’ he thought. He found himself relaxing and accepting the view for what it was. Birds flying overhead, he could now feel the sand underneath his toes, soft and warm. Sighing contently into his daydream, the vision was starting to fade. Until everything turned black and all he could see was teal eyes…and Eren.

He shook his head from side to side and squeezed his eyes shut again, hard. Trying desperately to get the vision of that sweet, beautiful man out of his head. “I must be fucking delirious.” He spoke aloud.

Deciding he’d had enough of his daydreams, he took off his clothes, looking carefully over his cuts. Happy they seemed to be healing well now, he gently placed his finger over the cut on his left arm. It was already scarring. Then he brought a finger over his stomach, ticking himself slightly in the process, his muscles tensing underneath the touch.

The raven entered his bathroom, turning the shower on and placing his hand underneath it until the he got the right temperature. Then turned back into his room to grab his phone to turn on some music. He wanted to relax tonight, it had been a reasonably successful day for him and he felt proud of himself. Brushing a hand through his hair, he felt the tangles coming undone. He grabbed a towel and threw it over the glass panel, then stepping into the shower. He felt himself relax further into the heat.

Levi grabbed the shampoo and lathered his hair, wincing slightly at the still fresh cuts, he inhaled the smell of lavender. He glanced down at himself, brushing his fingers across his skin, feeling his fingernails scratching his skin gently. Sighing at the feeling, goose bumps making themselves known.

He’d felt like it had been so long since he had felt this calm and collected. A feeling he no longer took for granted, instead he’d always felt like he had to make the most of it and so he did.  

The man picked up his shower gel, squirting a large amount onto the clean flannel he’d left in the shower. He started by cleaning his feet, ensuring he was getting in between his toes, then working his way up his ankles and legs. Ensuring every single part of him was being cleansed, he found himself singing along to the song that was currently playing. He moved the flannel over his body, slowly, relishing in this feeling of pure relaxation. Once he was completely covered in citrus smelling gel, he drained the water from his flannel and threw it over the glass panel.

His attention went back to his body, his hands no longer felt like his own as he started trailing his fingertips gently over his stomach. He felt his breath stutter a little at the foreign feeling. One things he knew for sure in this moment was that it felt…nice. It had been so long since he’d given himself any sort of attention. After the days he’d had, he felt like this moment was right.

Taking the plunge, he continued to explore his body with his hands. Every so often increasing the pressure of his fingers, he closed his eyes as he brought his hand up to his face and cupped his cheek. Finding himself leaning in to his own touch, he knew if anyone could see him right now they’d think he’d gone mad.

In this moment, he couldn’t care less of what people thought about him. This was about him, and no one else. He brushed his thumb over his mouth, pulling at his bottom lip slightly, he hears himself whimper at the touch. Not aware that he’d been holding his breath. He once again brought his hand down his body, trailing down his stomach and brushing his pubic hair. He sighed loudly as he brushed passed his member.

Hissing slightly at the touch, he’d been refusing himself this sort of touch for as long as he could remember. The feeling felt nothing short of bliss and he placed his hand on the base of his penis, the slowly wrapped it around himself, he pulled his hand back down with ease; thanks to the soap he’d covered himself in.

He positioned himself closer to the wall, water splashing over his hair and pouring down his face. The water making its way down his body, he felt like everything bad that had happened recently was being washed down the drain. He placed his arm above his head and put most of his weight on it, Levi went back to the task at hand, quite literally.

Feeling his breath hitch with every movement of his hand, he was working himself slowly. His eyes closing, so he could see nothing but darkness which only helped the raven relax further. He pulled himself back again, placing his thumb over the top of his penis he felt his head fall back in tranquillity.

He continued to play with himself slowly, gently. Taking his time with himself, keeping the pace slow and calm. His orgasm came as a surprise, quick with only a small grunt leaving his lips. The feeling of calmness filled his body to the brim. He continued to relish in the feeling as he washed himself off.

Once adequately cleaned, he stepped out of the shower, drying himself off as quickly as he could. Levi could feel himself becoming drowsier by the second. He made his way to his bed, dropping the towel on the floor before getting underneath the covers. Surprising himself at how comfortable he felt. Only a minute passed and he had fallen into a calm, dreamless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading <3 Hope you didn't mind that little masturbation scene at the end there, but a guys gotta catch a break! Right? =P Anyway, not only here but you can also keep up to date with the fic on my Tumblr page at Hey-Heichou-Suz, I post a tonne of Ereri stuff and occasionally show off my crappy drawings if you care to look >.<


	9. Keeping Track and Leaving the House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabel comes to visit.

_‘_ _I’ve never felt so stupid in my life doing this shit. I understand it’s a requirement of my recovery and no one else is able to read it… But if that’s the case then why am I writing this anyway?_

_No one else is going to read it, why the hell am I wasting my time if no one is ever going to lay their eyes on my great work?_ _←_ _Sarcasm…_

_In all seriousness, this has been helping more than the other things we’ve tried. I’m able to process my feelings a little more when I have to write them down. I’m terrible with words._

_I’ve been writing to you for the past three months…it’s a weird thought. I just hope that it’s not all a waste of time, and somehow you are able to see this. Writing this makes your deaths more bearable. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, but I can accept it._

_I’m not angry anymore._

 

“I miss you,” Levi mumbled to himself. Every time he sat down to write these letters he could feel the pain coming back. The pain of knowing he’ll never see them again. Never hear their voices, never watch them laugh together and the realisation never failed to hit him like a tonne of bricks.

 

Although his pain was getting easier to manage, it was still a constant battle for him. He had become grateful for his therapist and the methods he had come up with. Levi felt like he was finally achieving something, though it may be small at least it was something. For once, he had a small glimmer of hope guiding him along. 

 

_‘I suppose I should tell you a bit about what’s been happening in my life. I know it’s only been a week since my last letter, but a lot can happen in a small amount of time. We all know that too well._

_I’m still going to therapy, twice a week still. I’m making progress with Mike. He’s a no bullshit type of guy. He doesn’t keep asking me ‘how I’m feeling’ or to talk about myself all the time. Which was something my other therapist used to do all the time._

_I know Erwin and Mike speak about my progress, I’ve heard them speaking about more than me though! If you catch my drift. I don’t know who they think they’re kidding._

_I’ve been doing well for the past few months, living with Erwin is still a challenge in itself. We have been discussing about me having my own place. First I need to get a job… speaking of. I quit._

_I couldn’t go back to that job after having so much time off, everyone would judge me. Besides, I don’t think I’m suited for an office job anymore. I want something where I’m moving around all day, doing something. I can’t sit down for too long._

_I’ve not really started looking yet, but I will._

_The thought has been put in place. I’m tired of spending my days trapped inside this mansion. Mum, there’s only so many times I can hack off a zombie’s head before it becomes boring._

_Yes, I still love playing games. It’s fun and helps pass the time. I’m also trying to keep fit. I’ve started running – I’m able to jog around the fields Erwin has. He has also been taking me to the gym twice a week to work on my muscles density. I lost a lot of weight. I want to get back to being strong and fit. I’m looking much better now, I no longer have the body of a sick child._

_Punching the shit out of a bag helps with the frustration as well. After a particularly difficult day it’s very satisfying._

_I still miss you every day. I can’t stop thinking of that night in the hospital. How you looked. I’m not sure if you were really there or not, I guess that’s what makes me crazy. I can only hope it wasn’t. I never want to see you like that again. Be healthy, and happy. I don’t want see either of you looking like that._

_Sometimes when I dwell on the past too much, I can hear the demons in my head. My heart races and my blood rushes through my veins, it all becomes too much._

_I have relapsed._

_No one knows. I’m good at hiding them now. I promise they aren’t as bad as they used to be. Occasionally I’ll have a shower that’s a little too hot for my skin. Letting it burn me. I just want to know I’m still alive, I’m still here…living._

_I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but I can’t pretend that nothing bad happened in my past. Sometimes, it all just becomes too much for one person to handle. Anyway, everyone relapses. It’s just another process in recovery._

_I want to think about the positives. I’m much healthier, I’m trying to be nicer! Can you believe it, I’m trying not to be a sarcastic asshole, but sometimes people just deserve to be told their being a brat._

_I’ve not tried to kill myself, mum. Are you proud?_

_Not since that night. Not since I met Eren. I’d like to be able to tell you more about Eren. Although I can’t, I don’t think he’d even remember who I am. I don’t even know why I’m obsessing so much over it._

_Maybe it’s because he was the first person to really comfort me to begin with – no questions asked. Eren didn’t like me though. So, why am I still obsessing over this, three months later?_

_It’s those eyes, those cursed teal eyes. I’ll never see him again…_

_I heard about him on the news when I got back from hospital. Although I may have still been hallucinating. It’s possible I made him up._

_I’ve tried to google him, I’ve tried finding him on any sort of social media. But his name is nowhere to be found. Or the name that was up on the board._

_I made the mistake of telling Erwin about him, to which he asked if I was just questioning my sexuality. He seen him! They were both in the room together._

_Besides, I don’t need anyone telling me about my own sexuality. I’ve never put a name on myself in regards to anything and I’m not going to start now._

_Anyway, let’s quickly move on from that._

_I’m painting again, remember when we’d paint together? I started with a one to one session, but after two of them I decided I actually wanted to be in a group. I like seeing other people’s work, it’s fascinating._

_I’ve been getting better at working with the paints, the teacher that works there always praises my work. I’m sure he’s paid to say those things. I’ve drawn his eyes a few times. Eyes are always so fascinating to look at, they’re the most beautiful part of the body. When you look into someone’s eyes they can’t lie to you the way a body does._

_He’s got these piercing blue eyes, bright and full of knowledge. When I first started people called him ma’am, it’s that blond bob of his. Gives him a feminine look. Who cares though? Before becoming a teacher, he travelled the world, he’s a really nice person. Too smart to be wasted in a class like ours._

_Erwin keeps trying to take me out to social events- but some things never change. I still hate people._

_Issy contacted me last night too. It’s been so long. She’s a tattoo artist now, travels up and down the country doing guest spots. She wants to take me to the city for a few nights. Just to get away from everything. I’m looking forward to it._

_Stay safe mum, Farlan. I love you both._

 

  * _Levi_



 

Levi put his pencil down on the desk, looking down at the notebook. The pages beginning to fill with his feelings and the happenings of the past three months. It seemed each time he wrote, the letters got longer and more detailed. He hoped he would look back on these letters and be able to understand how he felt.

He’d also sketched a few things at the back of the notebook, just little doodles when his mind would wander. He found it best to keep himself busy when that happened. Drawing just seemed to be the perfect thing to keep his mind from its swirling thoughts. He’d drawn portraits of his family and occasionally himself. Although he found he’d always made his face slightly distorted in these drawings. It was always unintentional, but there.

_______

“Levi! Isabel is here.” He heard Erwin shout from down the hallway. Excitement began making its way through Levi’s veins, with a tinge of nervousness thrown in for good measure. It had been so long since he’d seen his cousin, it had been too long since he’d seen any member of his family. Isabel had left his home town when she was younger, just after the deaths of her cousin and auntie. She was still young and couldn’t handle the pain… A feeling that Levi had shared. Although he wasn’t fortunate enough to pack his bags and leave.

Levi had never blamed his cousin for leaving. He knew exactly how she had felt. The stares they had received and the gossip that flowed through the town. They were only kids, but people were cruel. Isabel had managed to get away from it all, but it was still something Levi had endured.

He envied his cousin for being able to leave, she had packed her bags one day and left the country. Never looking back. The pair had grown apart after their separation, but it seemed Isabel had found out about Levi’s suicide attempts and had felt partly responsible for leaving him when she did. Although Levi had also never attempted to get in contact with her again.

Even though the raven was anxious to meet after all these years, he was also excited to see her again. He straightened out some of the creases in his black shirt and left his bedroom. As he made his way to the living room, he felt a strong gust of air and suddenly he was flat on his back. A weight laying on top of him, bright red hair in pigtails that was now tickling his face. He grabbed onto the person and hugged them tightly.

Laughing.

Levi let out a loud stomach clenching laugh at the embrace. His face blushed and his eyes closed, he continued to laugh, clutching the red-headed person closer to him. Isabel and Erwin soon joining in on Levi’s glee.

The trio finally managed to calm down to a giggle. Erwin had gagged a few times from the intenseness of it all. Isabel was out of breath and now only letting out small wheezes here and there. Levi clutching at his stomach and complaining of a stitch, wiping off the tears that had made their way down his cheeks.

Finally, the pair stood up from the floor and Isabel kept her hold on her cousin. Using both her hands to steady him and kept him in front of her as she studied him. She squinted her eyes and glanced over him a few times before settling on staring at his covered wrists.

‘They always checked the wrists first.’ He groaned internally at her glare. Levi noticed her wince at the sight, he hadn’t noticed his shirt had moved in their embrace. He instinctively pulled his sleeves back down, now avoiding her eye contact and offering he a weak smile.  

The previous laughter and excitement in the room was suddenly replaced with doubt and fear now that the realisation that his cousin was stood in front of him. Levi glanced down at the damage he’d done to his body, feeling his shame wash over him like a tidal wave. He had noticed Isabel’s features seemed to darken, her face changed becoming warier and her lips upturned in what he thought was disgust. The red head let Levi’s arms fall and found her own slumping beside her.

She looked away from him before having the courage to speak, her voice came out broken, “I’m so sorry Levi-Bro. I should have been here, but I couldn’t stand everyone's judgement.” Isabel’s face was now much paler than before, her usual blush had faded and Levi noticed her lips turning downwards as if ready to cry.

Levi couldn’t handle the view in front of him, seeing his family as broken as he felt. Instead of wallowing in his self-pity and pain he suddenly grabbed her by the hips and pulled her close to him, holding her against him in what could only be described as a bear hug. Levi whispered as quietly as he could in her ear, “It’s okay, we’ll be okay. I’m glad you’re finally here. I really need to get out of here though, so let’s get our shit together and go.”

The raven didn’t want Erwin to hear the positivity in his voice of the chance to get away from the ‘prison’ he’d found himself in recently. He knew it would be something the blond would notice and no doubt blab to Mike about, it seemed Erwin would grasp at anything to keep his therapist on the line. Erwin stood in the corner of the living room, clearly trying to give the pair some much needed space. Although the thought was wasted, Erwin was a giant, a freak of nature.

 The pair let go of each other, Isabel’s blush returning to her cheeks. Her face becoming brighter by the second. She beamed at her cousin and he returned the smile just a s brightly.

“Are you packed?!” She asked, her previous excitement returning. Finally, Erwin coughed making himself known to the pair. He walked towards them purposely, a frown on his face.

“Pack? What do you mean pack?” He asked.

“Levi’s coming away with me to the city for the weekend.” Isabel replied, a chirp in her voice.

Levi could feel his heart beginning to race, his stomach turned in on itself and he suddenly became dizzy. He took a seat before he collapsed. He had known this was coming, but he had hoped that if the words came from his cousin’s mouth, Erwin might actually let him go away for the weekend. He had tried to bring it up in conversation, but his hints had always fallen of deaf ears. Erwin deserved a break away from Levi, it had been three solid months of them living together. They both needed some space.

“The hell he is!” Erwin roared, furious, red flushed in anger. “Do you have any idea how hard I’ve worked for the past few months just so I could keep him here? Under _my_ roof?!” His voice was becoming louder by the second. He had made his way so he was now stood in front of the red-head his hand gripped tightly onto her wrist.

Levi could feel rage building inside of him, seeing nothing but red in his vision, but he knew he was unable to act upon his rage and instincts. He made his way to the couch and slammed down on it, making as much noise as he could to try and stop the pair. His eyes turned into nothing but slits and he was giving Erwin a death stare. He felt himself overcome with anger and spoke in the calmest voice he could manage.

“Don’t you fucking touch her.” It was low, the words came out more like those of a growl.

Isabel looked at the pair in confusion, “Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here? Levi, we had this organised before I even arrived. I’ve booked somewhere for us, it cost an absolute fortune as well!” Her words laced with venom, teeth gritted at Erwin.

Deciding that the tension in the room was getting out of hand, Erwin pulled the red-head into another room, further down the hallway. Wanting to speak to her in peace, Levi went to stand up but the look Erwin gave him put him back in his seat immediately. He’d seen that look before and he hated it. He hated that all it took was a look from the blond and he was stopped in his tracks.

Levi sat in silence for a few minutes, aggressively scratching at the back of his undercut. Digging his nails into the flesh there, being sure to cut as deep as he could. He knew he wouldn’t be able to disappear into the bathroom, his movements would be too suspicious. Listening to the pair arguing sent Levi’s brain into a frenzy, voices screaming at him.

“Erwin, do you have any idea how much I’ve spent on this trip? Fucking thousands, that’s how much. Levi needs to get out, you can’t keep him here like a fucking prisoner! The man needs his freedom, look at him! Look at what he’s become. That man sat there, isn’t my fucking cousin.”

Levi could hear everything being said, as if they were stood right in front of him, he tangled his hands into his hair. He was desperate for more relief, something that his nails just couldn’t give him. He was having an internal debate on whether the sweet relief would be worth the regret and shame just a few hours later.

“You’re right, I don’t know how much money you’ve spent. But you should’ve spoke to **me** about this first before waltzing in here! I’ve spent the last three months looking after him, where were _you_ three fucking months ago Isabel! You should’ve seen him! Lying in a hospital bed, a drip hanging out of him. **HIS WRIST WAS SEWN BACK TOGETHER!!!** I’ve been the one who’s watched him in and out of that hospital for the past few years. Nurses and Doctors trying desperately to save him. Do you have any idea how that feels? To watch your best friend, lying on that bed, only a shell of the person he used to be?! He was so fucking weak!” Erwin’s face was bright red from screaming and his voice had caught in his throat more than once.

Levi could hear the tears in Erwin’s voice, it made him instantly regret his prior actions. Guilt had begun to fill his veins, he hadn’t fully realised the consequences of his suicide attempts and he certainly did not think about anyone else’s pain. So, to hear Erwin screaming at his cousin in this moment felt like a thousand razor blades making their way across his skin. A pain he hadn’t felt before, it stuck him in the stomach. Instantly feeling sick, the emotional pain of hearing his friend so broken...and it was all his fault.

“Erwin, no one told me! No one contacted me. I’m not a fucking psychic, how was I supposed to know any of this when I was on the other side of the world? I’m sorry, okay! but, this isn’t right, what you’re doing is wrong! He needs friends, he needs to see other people. Who else has he seen in the months he’s been with you?” She asked him, her voice much calmer than his had been.

“Let me just start by saying, who’s fault is that? Isabel, you left him. YOU fucking left him. He had to deal with everything because everyone else abandoned him. You went because you couldn't handle the judgement. Well, guess what, all that was passed onto him and him alone!  That pressure must have been excruciating for him, you’re a selfish bitch you know that?” Erwin spat the words at her. He took a deep breath before continuing when she didn’t immediately reply.

“And secondly, he’s been out plenty of times in the past few months, he’s actually socialising like a normal person for once. He doesn’t hide away in his room, don’t tell me how to do my fucking job, do you understand?”

“YOU’RE FUCKING JOB? YOU’RE FUCKING JOB?! Can you hear yourself right now, you piece of shit! My cousin, my family, is not a damn job! Clearly your mind has been so fucking warped in these past few months, and you can’t see past anything you don’t want to. Levi hasn’t seen any of his friends in years. Therapists, art teachers and _your_ friends at the pub are **not** his friends. Do you understand **me**?!” She shouted at him, her previous calmness all but vanished. Isabel went to walk out of the room, having had enough of the conversation. Just as she had reached the door, hand on the handle, they heard a crash in the kitchen. Broken glass smashing against the floor.

“Look what you’ve done now, you stupid bitch!” Erwin growled at her, pushing past her and heading towards the kitchen, both screaming Levi’s name and preparing for the worst.

 

How could they have been so stupid to be shouting and screaming at each other in a room right beside the one Levi was sat in. Of course, Levi would’ve heard every word, he must’ve felt like they were talking about him behind his back, the pair knew that was a pet hate for him.

Within seconds, they had reached the kitchen, both looking at Levi. His face was flushed pink with embarrassment. Averting their eyes, he muttered, “I’m sorry.”

Erwin the Isabel looked at each other, both of them equally confused at the view in front of them. Broken glass, as expected, lay on the floor. Red liquid pouring out onto the clean floors, the top cabinet was open wide and Levi was sat on the kitchen counter. Trying to find a flannel to clean up the mess.

“What the hell happened in here?” Erwin asked, still just as confused.

“I could hear you both shouting and screaming at each other. I heard every single word, I couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted something to drink to calm my nerves. But, you’re a fucking giant and can’t keep anything at a reasonable height, so I jumped up to get the wine you keep in the cabinet, misjudged and the bottle fell on the floor. Sorry for the mess, I’ll clean it up and get you another bottle.”

The tall blond suddenly burst into a fit of relieved laughter, clutching at his stomach. He’d felt a little more than guilty for presuming the worst of his friend, “don’t worry Levi, I’ll get another bottle.” He decided not to voice his previous concerns. He hadn’t harmed himself in well over a month, he should have more faith in his friend.

Levi jumped down from the counter, grunting as his feet hit the floor, face still flushed with embarrassment of being caught, “Stupid fucking wine, stupid giant,” he muttered again.

He grabbed the cloth he’d found and started mopping the floor, before long the other pair had their own damp clothes and were scrubbing the wine from the linoleum floor. Isabel had grabbed a bucket and filled it with warm soapy water, cleaning down the cabinets that were now covered in the wine.

Once Isabel had scrubbed the cabinet down, she found a small brush and pan and cleaned the broken glass from the floor, ensuring to get all the shards. Afterwards she picked up the largest piece and scoffed, “Since when did you drink cheap wine, Levi?” She laughed at the red wine, the local shops own branding.

“Fuck you, it’s the only one I could reach and you were both screaming so loudly, I just needed something.” He made to sure to emphasis the last word, knowing exactly what the pair had expected to walk in on. Those expressions he’d seen couldn’t lie the way their mouths did. He did feel a little relief run through him that he had managed to keep himself calm enough not to hurt himself.

“I’m sorry.” Isabel and Erwin spoke at the same time, both averting their eyes from each other and opting to scrub harder at the floor.

“I’d really like to go away with Issy please?” Levi almost begged Erwin for his permission. Knowing this was the time to do it, although he would be leaving regardless of Erwin’s answer. He would prefer that Erwin had agreed with him.

“Fine,” he huffed, “But, if you need me call and I’ll come to get you.” He sighed in his defeat, he knew Levi had already made up his mind. He hadn’t wanted to upset him more than he already had today. It would be good for the pair to have some space from each other. Mike had already suggested having Levi put in respite care for a weekend. Erwin had immediately disagreed, not wanting Levi to be somewhere that could make him uncomfortable.

Isabel offered Erwin a sly, small smile at his agreement. She knew this is exactly what Levi needed. It had been so long since they had seen each other and she wanted to spend some quality time with him. Away from this broken town. It was also partially for selfish reasons, she couldn’t stay here for too long without her anxiety becoming too much to bare.

Isabel had booked a hotel for the pair, but only one room with two single beds. They were both sound sleepers, or at least he had been as a child. She had opted for this as it had saved her some money, she’d also splashed out on a VIP booth in a strip club. Because when in Shiganshina, right?

They cleaned up the mess and all had dinner together before Isabel and Levi would leave for a few days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry for the late update. I'll be honest after last weeks update I wasn't feeling all that great from the feedback it received. It was very poor both on here and on Tumblr, but maybe that was just the nature of the chapter? Anyway, I've got my finger out of my arse and wrote this chapter. I hope it's back to where you can all enjoy it =D More angst incoming ;) So thanks for reading again and be sure (if you liked it) to leave a kudos and a comment. I'd like to hear some feedback on how you all think this is going. All of your opinions help me tremendously in the writing of this fic.


	10. Jägerlatein Modehaus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Issy and Levi arrive in the city and end up at 'Jägerlatein Modehaus' whilst out clothes shopping.

Levi and Isabel arrived in the city late on Friday night. The air was becoming cooler as it was almost Autumn, Levi felt happy that the summer months were almost over. Although he had not been self-harming on his arms, he was still very conscious of the scars he had.

He had grown tired of sweating profusely due to his choice of clothes, sick of feeling dirty all the time. He ached to be able to free his arms and not be judged for his scars.

The pair checked in to the hotel and took the lift to their hotel room. Gaining a few stares from the other residents. The hotel was very posh, well dressed and it seemed almost everyone who was entering was in suits and here for business.

Levi and Isabel couldn’t of looked more out of place. Levi had a long sleeved black shirt on and ripped grey jeans. Isabel was sporting a black tank top, red hair in lazy pigtails. Her arms were covered in tattoos, all bright and beautiful. Het bottom half was covered in black trousers. She had always held herself with confidence and Levi found himself staring at her coloured arms in the lift.

“You like them?” She asked, noting his staring.

“Yeah, they’re beautiful.” He commented.

“Thanks, they helped with getting over some things. Although, word of advice; never get someone's name tattooed on you. Bad idea.” She laughed and rubbed at her wrist. Levi presumed this is where the name used to be, that was now covered in a bright red rose, thorns included on the stem.  

He briefly wondered about her romantic past, but decided not to divulge in something so serious so soon after arriving in the city. He wanted this time to be fun. Serious conversations could happen later.

Once they exited the lift, they entered their room and Levi began unpacking immediately. Desperate to get himself ‘settled’ in the room. He noticed his cousins frown and cocked his head in question.

“Really, Levi? I mean we just got here. I feel like we’ve been travelling for hours. Come, chill out for a bit.”

She patted the bed next to her and offered her best smile, pearly whites showing, hoping that her friendliness would persuade him to sit down for a few minutes. Levi continued to fold some of his clothes before setting them down on the dressing table and taking a seat beside his cousin.

“Well Levi-bro, tell me how you’re doing.” It wasn’t a question, it came out as more of a demand. Levi groaned at the ‘question’. He had been hoping that the pair could forget about everything just for a few days, so they could enjoy themselves. But it seemed like Isabel had other plans.

“Issy, not now. _Please_? Do you have any idea how much I’ve spoken about these damn emotions of mine in the past few months? I’m exhausted, I’m tired of talking about _how I feel_. For once I just want to be able to relax without people watching me like a hawk. Can we do that? Even if just for today?” He pleaded.

The red head only nodded in response, knowing how he must’ve felt. Even after she had left the town, she had been hounded by family members, old friends and even at one point the police had hunted her down.

Apparently, Kenny had put out a manhunt on her, not that it surprised her at all. Once she had spoken to the police and multiple other men about where she was and what she was planning on, they had all left her in peace. She had managed to trick them into thinking she was staying with her friends, although it was a lie.

She had always carried around the guilt of leaving Levi by himself, but he was strong. She thought he’d be able to hand everything, but she was wrong. So, she had hunted him down and asked if he’d wanted a visit. She wanted to make up for her abandonment of him. When he asked for a weekend to relax, she was going to do just that.

“There it is! There’s that smile I’ve been waiting for! Anyway, I need you to look your best for tomorrow. I have a surprise for you.”

Levi glanced down at himself, then back at Issy before opening his mouth to say something, but he found the words never left his lips. He was scared of the judgement he might receive from her. Issy noticed his hesitation and leant over on the bed, so she was now facing him, she looked into his dark grey eyes.

“What is going on with you?”

Levi didn’t reply, instead he just looked over to where his clothes lay on the dresser and sighed absentmindedly before glancing back at her and offering a weak smile. His friend seemed to notice the hints, something Levi had never done before was complain about his lack of money. But it was always something he’d struggled with.

“Lemme guess, no decent clothes? Right?” Isabel asked him, grinning when he nodded in agreement. A smile spread across her face, bright grassy eyes staring back at him.

“The fuck are you smiling for?” Levi replied, more playful than anything else.

He knew he didn’t need to hold back when it came to his bluntness, she had always been one with thick skin. That’s why it still surprised him that she left when she did. He’d worried that she’d changed since they had last spent time together, but she didn’t flinch at his comment, instead he could see the dimples on her cheeks as her smile grew wider.

Isabel grabbed him by the arm, careful not to be too rough with him, not wanting to hurt him. She grabbed her bag before turning to him and exclaimed, “We’re going shopping!” Her voice full of excitement. Levi only furrowed his brows in confusion.

He groaned his displeasure, he’d always hated shopping. In fact, he tended to avoid going to the shops like it was the plague. Shopping meant, having to try on a multitude of clothes that he’d never bother to buy in the end. Occasionally he had slipped a t-shirt underneath his normal clothes and had been able to leave without suspicion. But, he was past that now. He now opted for shopping online, usually oversized clothes there was no risk that they wouldn’t fit him then.

“Are you kidding me right now? It’s late, and all I want to do is chill out and play my 3DS.” He sighed.

“Oh come on Levi, you little geek. Let’s go get you an outfit!”

She pulled him out of the room, Levi desperately trying to get away from her, but ultimately, she had won this battle.

“I thought you were letting me relax for the night!” He complained, a pout making its way onto his lips. A pout that had worked wonders when they were kids.

“Oh Levi-bro, that pout doesn’t work anymore. Come on, I’ll do all the work, you just nod and agree okay?!

Levi cursed himself for trying to use old tricks on her. He could only nod in agreement and she laughed at him. They stopped just outside the hotel, both of them taking out some cash at the ATM. Levi placing his fingers on the bridge of his nose as he seen his balance. He knew this was going to be an expensive trip, he’d definitely have to find a job when he got back home.

\---

Isabel dragged Levi around every imaginable shop possible. It was late, but it seemed the city never slept. Each shop the lights blinding them as they entered. They had gone into at least thirty shops already, all ranging in prices. They still hadn’t bought anything yet, it seemed nothing had piqued either of their interests. His feet had started to hurt, he was already tried and going out on meaningless shopping trips done nothing to help the matter.

They were making their way down another street, until Isabel had suddenly stopped and Levi had walked into her. “The fuck are you doing?” He grunted at her, before straightening himself out.

When she didn’t answer, he followed her gaze. The store in front of her looked massive, in fact massive may have been a understatement. It was enormous. Levi had never seen a store of this size and the thought of entering made him all kinds of anxious. He glanced to the top of the building, it looked at least 17 stories high, more like a block of flats than a store. Before he could protest he was grabbed by his cousin and dragged through the large glass doors.

Levi could see Isabel frown as she entered the store. She rubbed consciously at her wrist, the one with the red rose. “Why do you look so frightened?” He asked her.

“Oh, it’s nothing…” She muttered before walking away from him.

She stopped at each garment and let her hands feel at the fabric, picking up a few pieces and humming at them. Levi hated to admit it, but the store had piqued his interests...finally. He looked at the wide range of clothes on display. But he knew, as soon as they were placed beside his body he’d instantly hate them.

“Seriously Issy, why are you acting so odd all of a sudden?” He asked.

“Didn’t you see the name of the store? Or who owns it?”

Levi still looked as puzzled as before, she yanked at his shirt and pulled him to a corner, away from the crowds before speaking again.

“Grisha Jaeger is...was the owner of this company. Surely you’ve heard of him? One of the most famous fashion designers within the industry.”

Levi tried to keep his expression neutral, but he recognised that name...Jaeger. That was Eren’s surname, he wondered to himself if it was just a coincidence. Surely not, but then he remembered he’d heard about Eren on the news. Was this because he was somehow related to this Grisha person.

Isabel hit him gently on the shoulder, pulling him out of his daydream. He blinked at her, another flush appearing on his cheeks.

“Levi! Stop daydreaming, so you’ve heard of him right? I mean look at these clothes, they’re beautiful. Just...just like she was.” She mumbled the last part, that Levi only just caught it.

He looked at her in confusion, but she hadn’t wanted to elaborate so he just left it at that. Instead she went back to looking at the clothes, her expression nothing short of sadness. He could tell that look on anyone face, it was one he was so accustomed to.

He watched as she picked out a blue dress, covered in sparkles, and smiled fondly. Levi made his way towards her and looked at the dress...then at the price tag. He was debating buying it for her, but it was well out of his price range.

“Bit expensive…” He commented.

The red head looked at him, pulling on one of her pigtails, before looking down. He watched as she blinked a few times before looking back up at him, a big fake smile plastered on her face.

“Good thing that’s not an issue right now!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Levi, I make a decent living at the tattoo parlour I work at. Unbelievably, I’m an in-demand artist. Between tattooing and my commissions, I’m doing pretty well for myself. Maybe I’ll bring you back with me one day.”

“I’d love that.” He smiled at her, this time it was genuine smile. The pair continued looking through the clothes, occasionally picking up some and feeling the fabrics. They glanced at each other, after a few minutes of silence Isabel whispered into Levi’s ear.

“These clothes will soon be worth thousands, if not millions y’know.”

“What do you mean?” He questioned.

“Well, ready for a story time?”

He nodded his response, Isabel kept close to Levi ensuring no one would be able to hear their conversation she began by whispering.

“So, Grisha died a few months back. According to the news reports he had tried to kill himself, the fucked up thing about it all was he tried to take his damn family with him. They were all in the car with him when he drove the wrong way on the highway. He caused a three-car pile up. Him and his wife were killed on impact. His adopted daughter, Mi-Mikasa,” Levi picked up on her stutter but deciding not to mention it right now. “She died on the way to the hospital, internal bleeding and the son. The son is alive. He’s the only one who survived, poor soul. I seen the images Levi. It looked horrific.” She paused for a moment to gather her breath.

Isabel looked around them again, ensuring no one could overhear them. She had waved off a few shop assistants who had made their way towards them both, letting them know she didn’t help but she’d be sure to let them know later if there was anything.

“Anyway, they ended up having to pull the story from the news. The son had his lawyers had threatened them with defamation, as they had been spreading rumours. I’m still not sure how they done it, but they managed it and the stories ended...along with all the news reports about them. I’m not sure if the son will carry on in his father’s footsteps. I certainly wouldn’t if I were him, Grisha was a fucked up piece of shit. “

There was something about the way Isabel spoke about the family, that she knew more about them than she was letting on. Once she had told him everything, it briefly looked like she had a weight taken off her shoulders. Now, Levi was more than happy to bear that weight, but he needed more information. If his instincts were right, he was talking about Eren. The same Eren that held him all those months ago, the same Eren he still dreamed about.

“Issy, there’s something you’re not telling me about all of this. If you’re not ready to that’s fine. But… I need to know. What were the names of the whole family?” He tried to control the stutter in his voice.

“Seems you’re more interested in this than I had thought. The father was Grisha, his wife Carla. As I said before the adopted daughter was Mikasa and the son who survived. His name is Eren.”

As soon as she had spoken the words, Levi felt himself recoil. Of course, it would never be simple with him. Eren was involved in something far bigger than he could have ever imagined, the thought instantly making his stomach curl. He knew that wouldn’t stop him from still being infatuated with the man.

Deciding he’d had enough of the conversation and feeling it had come to a natural ending, he thought he’d better change the subject. Not before giving Isabel one last sad glance, he moved away from her and headed towards a sleek black dress and held it against her body.

“Mmmm, what about this one?”

“Hmm, I don’t think it’s my type. Too classy,” she chuckled, “I could make some adjustments. But we don’t have time right now. Let’s head to the other floors, cheaper the higher up you go.” She winked at Levi.

Levi was suddenly interested in what Isabel was saying, he knew it was partially for selfish reasons. He followed her up the stairs. They missed the second floor and headed straight for the third one. He had to begin to jog to keep up with Isabel as she went straight towards a mannequin.

The mannequin in front of her looked peculiar, everything a little too made up on it. It looked more than realistic and it sent a shiver down Levi’s spine. He studied the mannequin, but not before looking at Isabel. He knew that look, it was the look of loss, a look of sadness. Rather than acknowledging it too much, he glanced back at the mannequin.

It’s wig was black, it’s fringe fell over the bridge of its nose. Makeup had been put on, cat eye flicks. It was wearing a crimson red dress, sleeveless and long almost reaching the floor. A split in the fabric just above the knee and black sparkly high heels, a show had been placed beside it so you could see the full effect of it. Black sparkles twinkling underneath the light, along with a red scarf that was pinned on either side of the shoe. A red shawl draped lazily over its shoulders.

Once he looked at the floor, he noticed a golden plaque. He felt his stomach turn inside out and his mouth became dry. Isabel had disappeared off somewhere, he’d guessed it was about the person’s name on the plaque.

It read, _‘In loving memory of Mikasa Ackerman.’_

He wasn’t sure how to take the name, the woman’s surname was Ackerman, that was also his surname. He wondered if they were somehow related. He knew his thoughts were once again turning selfish. There was clearly something about this Mikasa that had upset Isabel, he couldn’t mistake that look of sadness on her face.

Levi had enough of the day, he just wanted to get some reasonably priced clothes and leave. Levi found her chatting away happily to a shop assistant. With the little he overheard he knew they were talking about Mikasa and although he didn’t want to upset her, he felt like he needed to know more. Thankful for once, for his small stature he tried to get closer to the pair.

 Once he finally managed to get a grasp on the conversation he heard a name, a name he couldn’t mistake. Eren. He could see their expressions, nothing but pity on their faces, it made him angry at the mere thought of them sharing their opinions of him. He knew it shouldn’t he knew it shouldn't bother him at all. But it did. He had always thought that pity had never helped anyone, if they wanted to help Eren they could of. But instead, they were just gossiping about him.

As Levi took a step back, desperate to get away from the conversation he smacked straight into someone. Embarrassed he looked up to see a face he would never forget, Eren was stood not even an arm’s length away from him. He looked odd, although of course he would. The last time Levi had seen him, Eren had been wearing nothing but a dirty hospital gown, still bruised. He could see the previous cut down his face had healed. Now, he had a noticeable red line, starting at his hairline and ending just above his eyebrow.

Eren was wearing a black beanie, an oversized hoodie and baggy jeans with DC trainers, Levi thought he looked like he was trying to bring attention to himself. Especially in a place like this… in his father's shop. Just as he was about to say something, Eren cut him off immediately.

“Didn’t think you’d be the type of person to eavesdrop on someone like that. Unless you hadn’t picked up on it, they’re talking about me. I’d expect more from Isabel, but the staff… I’d expect more from him. But, if it makes them feel better about themselves, they can do what they like.”

Levi felt hurt by the words, he hadn’t wanted to eavesdrop on them. As soon as he’d heard Eren’s name he couldn’t help himself, he wanted to find out more about him and if that meant eavesdropping on someone then so be it. He wanted to speak to Eren, to apologise to him, but he knew his words would not be heard. Just as Eren was about to move, Levi spoke.

“Eren, I am so sorry…” He said with pleading eyes, desperate to speak to Eren after so long.

“I don’t need your pity, old man.” He said the words, but there was no venom behind them, only exhaustion.

Eren walked away from Levi, giving him the same broken look, he did as he was being wheeled away in the hospital. Levi felt his cheeks warm from the shame of being caught eavesdropping. Something he would usually never do.

Isabel had taken a step back and had made brief eye contact with Levi, watching as he cowered away underneath some shirts. She quickly moved out of the way of Eren and rushed over to Levi’s side. Just as she was about to speak, Levi quickly shushed her. They both watched as the assistant was taken away into the back.

“Someone is going to get fired!” The redhead spoke excitedly.

“Isabel, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” He asked, trying to keep his anger under control.

“What the hell, Levi?” She spoke back, confusion in her voice. “I was just wanting to know more about the dress over there and then he starts speaking to me about Eren. I wanted to know more, so I didn’t stop him. Getting sacked serves him right for being such a gossip anyway.”

“You should have stopped him, remember why you left our town in the first place? Because of people like that Issy.” He spoke, less angrily this time, he could understand her curiosity. After all, that’s why he was also standing close to them.

He had no doubt in his mind that if it were to happen again she’d be sure to stop them in their tracks. Isabel was already aware of how harmful gossiping could be. Levi watched as she avoided his eye contact and looked instead at her feet.

“You’re right, I’m sorry, I should have stopped him.”

“Thank you. Enough of this, we’ve been out for hours now and we still need to buy these clothes. Can we hurry up and get out of here now? I’m exhausted.”

“Absolutely, besides, I’ve already found your outfit for tomorrow.” She spoke, with a little more enthusiasm as she’d had previously. Grabbing onto Levi and pulling him to the other side of the shop, where they kept the men’s clothing.

Isabel grabbed a few items and shoved them into the raven’s arms, demanding that he went and changed. He could only agree with her before taking the clothes and heading towards the changing room.

Once he reached them, he wasted no time in getting undressed. Desperate for the night to come to an end he wanted nothing more than to find clothes that he didn’t hate and head back to the hotel for a rest.

Levi had only noticed that the dressing room was covered head to toe in mirrors, something he’d usually hate. Right now, he didn’t have the energy to care about the way he looked. He took out some black skinny jeans he’d been supplied with, yanking them up quickly. As soon as he had them up, he appreciated that the 32” waist fit him perfectly now. Since he could see all angles he made use of them and glanced at his rear. Nodding in approval at the way the trousers perfectly shaped his butt.

Isabel had picked out a red dress shirt, one that hugged him in all the right places. This outfit had definitely made him feel better about himself. To top it off she’d also given him a black waistcoat, that once again fit him like a glove. Finishing off the look he took off his converse and put on the dress shoes she’d also picked out. Once again, he glanced in the mirror and smiled back at his reflection. He looked good and more importantly he felt good.

That was, until he was grabbing the accessories and he noticed the price tags, the cheapest item being over £60. He felt a kick in his gut again, at his lack of job. He promised to himself he would pay Isabel back for all of this. He’d also be sure to wear it as much as he could. He wanted to live in this outfit now.

Finally, having enough of looking at the outfit he left the cubicle and headed out to see Isabel’s reaction. The assistant who had helped him in before gave him a wide smile and wink as he walked away, only when he reached the red head with the tattoos he heard the shop assistant scoff at the pair of them.

Isabel was stood outside talking to yet another assistant, although he was glad this time they weren’t gossiping, instead she was being complimented. Levi had to admit she looked absolutely stunning. Once he joined her he noted that they were both wearing black and red. She was wearing the red dress they’d seen on the Mikasa mannequin.

Once they were together they attracted the attention of more shop assistants and some bystanders who all complimented them. The pair of them happily accepted the approving comments and smiles. It was all over too soon though, as Isabel started to walk away from him and he headed back towards the changing rooms.

Both of them knew they were slightly upset of having to take off their clothes, although the time to wear them again would be soon enough. Levi felt like he was another person, he loved the way these clothes made him feel. He felt more like a persona of himself, a better person. Someone who was in control of their live and he absolutely adored it.

The only thing he was slightly disappointed about was that his cousin hadn’t handed him a tie, he was rather partial to a good tie. Although, he could have worn his cravat, had he brought it with him.

Levi and Isabel met back outside of the changing rooms, Levi touching her on her shoulder before speaking, “Those clothes are absolutely beautiful, I can’t begin to tell you how amazing I felt in them. But... they’re too much.”

“After you telling me that, you think we’re just going to put them back on the shelves? Fuck no, you can pay me back someday okay?” She chirped at him.

He only nodded his agreement, knowing he wouldn’t win this argument.  He made a point of following her to the cashier, not wanting to but needing to know the amount she was paying for them all. He almost had a heart attack when the cost was above £800. It seemed extortionate for only two outfits and a couple of accessories.

The pair left the store, smiling and making idle chatter until they arrived back at the hotel. They were both more than satisfied with how the evening turned out. Levi did slightly regret not seeing Eren when he looked, and felt so good about himself. But, as always, the timing would’ve been wrong. He just wished he would have explained himself more to the brunet.  

Levi wanted to know everything there was to Eren, and yet another chance had just passed him. He had so many unanswered question, what he couldn’t get his head around was Eren being in that store in the first place. Levi was sure Grisha must’ve had stores all over the country, so why was Eren there? Levi fell asleep to his multiple questions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope you don't mind this chapter being a little longer this time. I'm not sure I'll be able to update next week, hence why this one is so long. We finally get to see Eren again!! I missed writing about that beautiful boy! There will definitely be more to come, our next chapter we'll be exploring that strip club that Issy mentioned before, so make sure you stick around for that. Again if you enjoyed the chapter, be sure to click the kudos button and let me know your thoughts! <3


	11. City lights, strip clubs and bright eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Issy takes Levi to a strip club, basking in the feeling of relaxation and excitement surrounding them, they laugh their worries away; but who is that on the stage?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this took so long to spit out. If you don't already know I do try and update it every Friday but life caught up with me this week. I may go to updated every second week but making the chapters much longer as well. Anyway, here it is; enjoy!!!

The next morning the pair woke early, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to take on the day. They’d both had a surprisingly good sleep and they felt refreshed in the morning. Both of them taking turns in the shower, Isabel taking more time than necessary. Levi felt a bout of excitement well up in his stomach, but also felt slightly nervous. Today was the day they were going to this ‘event’ that his cousin had been so secretive about up until this point.

All he’d been told was that it would start at 7pm, and they would leave if he became uncomfortable. to which Levi was appreciative for. They both headed down for their breakfast, having something light as they would get something else for lunch in town. They headed back into town, exploring the shops again; this time with less stress. Isabel ended up leading him back to Jägerlatein Modehaus again, unintentional or not. Levi looked at the doors and shook his head before moving on to the next store, neither of them making a comment about the previous day’s events.

They knew they both had questions for each other, ones that burned in their brains, desperate for an answer but neither of them asking. Levi felt like today wasn’t the day to ask about such things, there was always tomorrow.

Isabel and Levi found themselves a nice place to each lunch, and settled there for an hour. Levi taking out his 3DS and playing the latest Zelda game and Isabel had pulled out her kindle. They enjoyed each other’s company, even more so that there was no awkward silence. Just peaceful, quietness.

Having finished their lunch, they continued walking around the different stores, Levi finding himself smiling at some of the shops they entered. He was enjoying himself, there was no rushing around and Isabel didn’t complain when he spent too long looking at something. Although she did continue to ask him if he wanted anything bought, which he continually refused.

It had finally reached 4pm and both of them felt tired and so they headed back to the hotel. For a quick nap and to get ready for the evening. Isabel was still to tell Levi exactly what she had planned and Levi was beginning to feel more anxious about it.

As was Isabel, she briefly wondered if this was the best time to do it. But, she had booked the table and a VIP booth for the pair of them. Both of which were far more expensive than she would’ve liked to have paid. If Levi suddenly decided he wasn’t comfortable, she had promised him they could leave; no questions asked. She would just have to deal with her loss of money.

The pair spent more than an hour getting ready. Isabel taking much less time than Levi, it seemed he was more anxious than he was letting on. Isabel had decided to keep the make up to a minimum, she’d always felt better with a little on. Her dress was complimented well with Levi’s shirt, both in the perfect shade of crimson. Levi had spent most of the night trying to tame his hair, before Isabel butted in and straightened it for him, much to his displeasure.

They both checked themselves out in the separate mirrors they had in the room. Isabel nodding in agreement at herself, and Levi was surprisingly happy. He loved the way the outfit made him feel, it still had the same effect as it had yesterday. He felt himself stand up straighter, no longer slouching and he pushed his shoulders out slightly to try and make himself seem that little bit taller.

Isabel had ordered a taxi for the pair, and they’d just received the call from the receptionist that it had arrived. “Quick taxi.” Isabel commented, grabbing her scarf before pouring the pair of them a shot of Sambuca. Levi nodded in agreement, they both needed a little Dutch courage before they left. After the shot Levi had felt slightly light-headed, he’d wondered if it was due to his lack of alcohol over the past few months. He hoped internally that he wasn’t turning into a lightweight.

Levi grabbed a black suit jacket before heading out after Isabel, the both of them smelling like they’d bathed in their chosen perfumes. Once they reached the cab, the pair of them made small talk with the driver, much to Levi’s annoyance. He had always hated the small talk. Since Isabel was there and he couldn’t be bothered with an argument right now, he went along with it, asking the relevant questions.

Not ten minutes later and the black cab had pulled up outside of a large building, declaring this was their destination. Isabel managed to get out with little hiccups, keeping her legs crossed and managing to act like a lady for once. Levi followed suit, taming his hair as the wind began to blow it in all directions.

They received a lot of stares when they made their way to the queue, skipping many people when Isabel flashed some kind of ticket at the bouncers. Levi had begun to feel very self-conscious as people were making comments about his cousin, no doubt thinking the same about him. Isabel didn’t let it bother her, she had heard these comments time and time again. When it came to the art on her body she was less than bothered about what people had to say about it.

 

He could almost hear the comments about him, pretending to be something he wasn’t. He knew in reality it was all in his head, but the words were so loud he felt it couldn’t have been anything else. Levi managed to silence the voices by the time they reached the front of the queue.

Once they were granted access by the bouncer, they were escorted to their seats, Levi noticed they were heading towards a VIP area and gave a confused glare to Isabel when she made eye contact with him. The music was loud, and the lights were bright and flashing along with the beat of the song.

Then Levi noticed something odd about the ‘bar’ they’d went to. This wasn’t just any bar, oh no, this was a freaking strip club. He looked up at the stage and watched as both girls and boys were dancing up and down the poles, doing moves that should be branded illegal. The club was full of cheers from much younger looking men.

It was then that Levi was happy his cousin had splashed out and got them a seat in VIP. Once they were escorted by a lady wearing little more than a belt for a skirt and the skimpiest top he’d ever seen. They were left in peace for a moment.

In their booth they had two couches, a table in the middle, a large bottle of champagne, two flute glasses and some snacks laying on the table. It was Isabel that noticed their names on cards at first, grabbing them from the table and showing Levi, excitement clear on her face.

“Levi, look at these!” She shouted at him, putting the card in front of Levi’s face, “Look how awesome these are!”

The raven glared back at her, “Of all the places you could have splashed out on, you bring me to a strip club?” He wasn’t angry at her, more confused than anything else. Confused as to why he was here, his sex drive was non-existent now. It was something he did not want to speak to Isabel about.

“Oh Levi, wipe that look from your face. Relax a little, it’ll be fun! Besides, it cheaper than the other bars here and there’s some beautiful people dancing tonight.” Isabel winked at him, then began pouring out the champagne into the two glasses that were on the table.

“I don’t understand it though, why here?” Levi questioned again, “Of all the places?” He made the same comment, desperate for a more reasonable answer. He looked at her pouring the glasses, eyebrows creased in their usual expression of distaste.

“Didn’t I say to loosen up, here have a drink.” She passed the glass over to him and he accepted it. Clinking their glasses together in a silent cheer before sipping at the champagne. After their first sip, the pair noticed the eyes on them.

People staring at them in the booth, both from workers and pleasure seekers alike. Isabel took pleasure in the looks they were receiving and Levi being a little more pessimistic about it all. She winked at a few of the younger boys, but was quickly ignored.

“Why are we the only ones in VIP?” Levi asked, “Everyone is looking,” he was looking down at the table, desperate to avoid the gazes that were on the pair.

“Relax, it’ll fill up later, it’s still early.” She answered.

Their eyes went back to the stage, watching in amazement as a girl swung around the pole. Spreading her legs, and keeping herself up with just her arms, her muscles slightly flexing. Blonde hair tumbling over her skimpy bra, leaving little to the imagination. Her face was flushed pink, but she wore a bright smile as the music ended she took a brief bow and headed back behind the red curtains.

The crowd were all clapping and a few whistles were heard, it wasn’t until they started dying down that Levi had realised he was also applauding the dancer. He looked over at the red head across from him and had to stop himself from laughing a little, Isabel’s eyes were sparkling underneath the lights. Her mouth hung slightly open, a bright pink flush on her cheeks.

“Well, you seemed to enjoy that!” Levi said, bringing her out of her daydream.

“You’re right, I did. Can you blame me, did you see how cute she was. I’d kill for those perky little boobs.” She laughed at her comment, taking another sip from her glass.

“You’re right, she was pretty. Not sure about your boob comment though.” He commented back, sighing a little. Also, taking a drink from his glass.

Suddenly a voice interrupted their small talk, the announcer introducing the next dancer. Lights coming up and blinding them, before flashing around them, red and purple colours dancing around the room and the music had slowed down a little.

“Ladies and gentlemen, and all in between. A _very_ special guest is making a return, for one night only!” The audience erupted into cheers and screams. Isabel and Levi shared a look of confusion, but also one of excitement. They were clearly going to witness something amazing, by the way the crowd was cheering this person was going to put on a show.

“He’s been out of the business for a few years now, but he sure hasn’t lost his touch. Please everyone welcome to the stage, the beautiful, the amazing and the captivating Armin Arlert!!”

Levi’s eyes doubled in size, shock replacing the previous excitement. He held his breath and watched as a man walked onto the stage. Blond hair tied back in a messy bun, he was topless, his body clearly slicked with oil beforehand which only accentuated his muscles.

“Holy. Shit.”

All colour had dropped from Levi’s face, his mouth hung open in surprise, but he still couldn’t believe his own eyes. He squinted at the bright lights, desperate to get a better view. Isabel had noticed his odd behaviour.

“I knew you liked men too.” She laughed.

 

“Will you shut up for two seconds, do you know this guy?” He asked, curiosity clear in his voice, he moved to the edge of his seat. Again, trying to get a better look at the blond on stage, who was now swinging around on the pole, turning himself upside down and winking at the stage. More flashing lights blinding Levi.

“You want me to shut up? Or do you want to answer the question?” She asked him playfully, desperate for more information.

“Answer the damn question!”

“No, I don’t know who that person it. But with the way you are acting, I’m guessing you do. Anyway, enough of that, do you like men? Well, do you?”

“Issy, I’m only going to say this once. No one needs to know shit about my sexuality, that’s the end of that conversation.”

Isabel sulked at his response, but knew she was pushing his limits. She watched in interest as Levi stood up and started walking towards the stage. “Hey, hey, where are you going?” She called after him, but either he hadn’t heard or he was now ignoring her.

All Levi wanted was to get a better look of the man dancing on stage, he still wasn’t entirely convinced that this was the same Armin who had been in his art classes, with the bright blue eyes. Once he reached the stage, there was no mistaking him. Golden locks swayed with the music, thrusting himself sinfully against the pole and dropping down, sticking out his butt. People were throwing money at him, desperate to touch the man.

Armin was wearing, what could only be described as ‘tighty whities’ leaving very little to the imagination, he wasn’t hard it was easy enough to tell that; however Levi was surprised at how hung he looked for such a small dainty boy. He flipped upside down on the pole, his thighs muscles flexing as he kept himself up and managed to swing around the pole, before once again dropping down to the bottom.

Levi felt himself feeling surprised at the actions, this sort of art took skill, not something he had ever noticed before. The raven felt himself in awe at the sight in front of him, admiring Armin’s skills and muscle mass, even he had to admit the man looked good from where he was standing. In the middle of his awe, he turned back to see where Isabel was and he felt relieved when he saw she was still sitting at the booth. Then again, she was watching him like a hawk stalking its prey.

Once he turned back, he heard the music becoming louder and chants and screams from the other viewers were deafening him. Levi glanced up at the stage, wondering why exactly everyone was making such noise.

Armin had ripped off his underwear, sweat and glitter sparkling underneath the lights, he looked like some kind of sexual fairy. The sight was disturbing as well as slightly enchanting. Armin’s hand was now covering his member and he dropped to the floor, his arse sticking out again, for everyone to see. His face was flushed pink, eyes wide and his body full of adrenaline, that was until...

Armin’s bright blue eyes locked onto Levi’s dark silver orbs.

As soon as they made eye contact Levi knew their relationship would never be the same, which was a shame because he had genuinely liked Armin as a ‘teacher’. Levi felt a shiver run down his spine, when he realised what he was doing and what it could be mistaken for. The raven wanted to make it clear that he had no interest in the pole dancing fairy. He’d just have to wait until they met again to have that conversation, which he was sure was coming.

The screams could still be heard, the lights flashing around the stage and the audience, but for the pair; time had temporarily frozen. That was until the announcer came back through the speakers to announce Armin’s departure. Levi only offered the man a small nod before turning back on his heel and heading towards Isabel.

Isabel pounced on him as soon as he sat down, “Well, you certainly looked like you enjoyed that.” She laughed at him, while passing over his unfinished glass of champagne, “Go on, tell me more!” She winked at him, her giddiness almost contagious.

Levi took the glass from the table and gulped down the rest of it, pushing the glass forward for Issy to fill again, “You know I’m not supposed to drink too much right?” He said as he watched her fill the glass. “Also, you couldn’t tell if I was having fun from the view of my back!” He scoffed at her, picking up the glass once again and taking another gulp.

“Don’t worry, I’ll look after you Levi-Bro. I know you’ve needed a drink for a long time,” She gave him a knowing nod, also picking up her own drink and finishing the glass, “Also that smirk you’re wearing tells me everything you don’t want to.” She held up her glass for a toast.

Levi obliged and toasted. Clinking their glasses together and the pair fell into a small fit of giggles, Isabel clutching her stomach as the alcohol was taking effect. Levi letting more of a grunt than a giggle.

Continuing with their drinks, Isabel looked down at him after they finished their giggling, “Anyway, do you want to tell me what the hell that was?” She asked, pushing herself to the edge of her seat, getting as close to Levi as she could, “I’ve never seen you react like that before!”

“Well,” He picked up his glass swishing the liquid around, looking thoughtful, “That was Armin.”

“I heard his name Levi, so did everyone else in the club, can you give me something more than that?”

“I go to art therapy, it’s the class I told you about in the texts.”

“Okay?”

“He’s the assistant there, every second week I see him. I can’t believe this.” He sighed, grabbing at his drink and gulping it down, feeling the burn down his throat.

“Well, daaaamn!” His cousin burst into yet another fit of laughter. She poured the last of the alcohol out, filling up her cup as well as Levi’s. “We should drink to that too!” She laughed.

There was another girl on the stage now, body covered in freckles, clearly not as talented as the other dancers with the poles. She has stayed away from the pole, nothing but love heart stickers covering her pert breasts.

“I think I had a nightmare once were Armin was naked… I swear, if he removed his hand I would’ve been out here faster than you could say ‘brat’.” He took the last sips of his drink, before setting it back down. “That is something, I really didn’t need to see tonight.”

Levis usual pale face was flushed with a pink hue over his cheeks. His eyes had also become red, and he felt himself becoming increasingly relaxed as the night went on. He’d missed this feeling, of being relaxed. Nothing was worrying him in this moment. He glanced up at Isabel and watched as she also finished her drink, setting it down with a ‘clank’ and giving him her brightest smile.

“Want to get some shots?” She asked, her smile turning into a smirk, already knowing the answer she placed her hand in the air to get the attention of a nearby waitress.

“Yes, what can I do for you honey?” The waitress asked in a husky voice.

“Can I have four shots, two of Sambuca and two of Jägermeister?” Isabel spoke with confidence, not noticing the slight slur in her voice. It didn’t faze the young waitress as she nodded and went on her way to get the drinks.

“Jager? Is that some kind of joke?” Levi asked, feeling slightly annoyed at her choice of drink.

“Fuck sake Levi, loosen up. We used to love stealing Jäger from our parents. Or rather, Kenny.” She tried to make a joke out of it but Levi only turned his lip up at her. Soon after the waitress arrived with their drinks.

Both of them clinked their shot glasses and down both of the shots within the minute. Levi could feel the burn in his stomach and throat again, he had struggled slightly to get the second one down. Deciding he best ‘forgive’ Isabel first so he sat beside her and ruffled her hair.

“Thanks.” She slurred at him, “I’m gon get another drink.”

“Okay, I’m just going to get some fresh air. I’ll be back soon.” Levi said, getting up and leaving Isabel.

He felt slightly bad about leaving her, but his stomach was doing summersaults. He needed some fresh air to calm himself, Isabel was more than capable of looking after herself. She’d done it all this time anyway, what would another five minutes be?

As soon as he left the building, he felt the air hit him like ice being thrown in his face. It was cold out, he groaned slightly, debating whether he should go back and get his waistcoat. He knew if he went back in he’d have to stick with Issy for a bit longer. So, he kept going, until he reached the corner.

He stumbled on his feet a little, grabbing onto the wall beside him he moved across it, when he finally moved himself around the corner he froze. Blinking a couple of times just in case his eyes were playing tricks on him again. Then ducked back behind the wall, he hoped he hadn’t been caught. He leant his head against the wall looking up at the sky he whispered to himself, desperate to hear the words aloud.

“This isn’t happened, this isn’t real. Stop fucking around mind.”

He took another deep breath and peeked around the corner yet again. There he was, leaning against the wall. His head resting on the cold stone just like Levi was doing seconds before.

Eren Jaeger.

He had a red scarf wrapped lazily around his shoulders, he was staring at the moon, he seemed oblivious to everything around him. He was wearing suit trousers and a dress shirt like Levi’s. Every time Levi had seen him he’d been dressed so different, it made him wonder just what did Eren _like_ to wear?

Feeling confident and desperate to explain himself for the other night, he began to walk towards to brunet. Just as he was making his way from the corner he heard a door opening. Once again, he found himself retreating automatically. A man walked from the door, hood up and went straight to Eren and gave him a tight hug. The action making Levi feel incredibly jealous of them.

Although now he was interested in who this man was. If he had to guess in that moment it looked like they may have been boyfriends. The cuddle was a little more intimate than he would’ve liked to witness. Then the unknown man pulled his hood down, of all the people it could be it was Armin.

He just seemed to be popping up everywhere now. So he obviously knew Eren, and it seemed he knew him well. Levi wondered briefly if he could use that information for his own benefit. He was still interested in Eren, he was like a mystery to him and he was desperate to know more.

Levi was sure if he got to know more about Eren, his fascination about him would no doubt go away. It was just his curiousness getting the better of him, that was always a fault of his. His mind went back to that time in the hospital, the way Eren had held onto him… It was the same way he was holding onto Armin now. The sight made him a little sad, this must’ve just been the type of person Eren was.

They moved away from their embrace, and Levi kept himself hidden from view. In that moment he knew he didn’t want to be caught eavesdropping on them again. He knew Armin, so he could easily go over there and strike up a conversation.

He walked over to where the pair were stood, looking at Armin and seeing the colour from his faded again, “Hey, uhh, sorry if that was awkward. I was just passing and thought I’d tell you now I’m not bothered by it, y’know because of class.” Levi gave him an awkward smile, more awkward than his usual ones.

“Yes, I’d rather we don’t speak about this in class., Levi.” Armin replied before looking at the two men in front of him. “Oh, how rude of me, Eren this is Levi, Levi this is Eren.” He motioned between the pair and watched as they clasped hands, holding them together a little longer than necessary.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, I hope you're enjoying it so far. It's so nice to finally write about Eren and Levi together, I've missed them so much. Make sure you click the little kudos button if you haven't already :) every love heart counts and honestly it helps me so much when writings chapters. <3


	12. Eren talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Eren and Levi meet again at the strip club, they have a small encounter and Levi ends up being knocked out. A discussion soon pursues. 
> 
> *Please be aware of new tags in this chapter.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As stated before, please be aware of new tags in this chapter.

Levi kept a firm grasp of the warm hand that was now shaking his, they both knew Armin was giving them strange looks and the handshake had gone on for too long. The blond gave the pair a confused look, and Eren dropped his hand as soon as his attention was back on Armin. Eren pulled his hand away and put it in the pocket of his suit pants.

The loss of contact felt a little like abandonment again, he cursed himself for feeling such things. It was always the same with Eren, once he got a touch he always wanted more, he felt no amount of contact would be enough to quench his thirst for the man. It now felt more like fate than coincidence that the pair kept meeting and Levi could feel his heart race underneath his shirt.

He knew he was desperate for any sort of attention from the man, but only from Eren. If anyone else were to touch him now he’d feel almost tainted. Levi felt frustrated at his feelings, even more so that he was acknowledging them now of all times. He cursed Mike underneath his breath for making him open the gates of his feelings.

Levi briefly remembered their last conversation in the hospital, he had promised Eren that he wouldn’t self-harm and he had failed him. He had gotten much better at controlling his self-harm needs, instead opting to play some games or draw. Anything to keep his hands busy, other times the urge would be too much and he had to get relief one way or another.

Although his arms were now free from fresh cuts, although still covered in little and large red and silver lines. He instinctively pulled down his sleeves as much as he could, even though there was nothing fresh there to hide. Eren glanced at him, knowing the action and frowned at Levi.

“Levi?” A voice brought him back to reality. He blinked in surprise.

“Hi, sorry spaced out a little there.” He spoke softly, worried he’d somehow scare the man off again. His head was full of questions, yet again. ‘Why did he leave the hospital room?’ ‘Why wouldn’t he listen to him back at the store?’ ‘Where has he been?’ and most of all did he think about Levi? His head felt dizzy with the questions.

“Levi, I think we should discuss this in detail at another time, it seems you’re not all here. Had one too many drinks?” Armin questioned, clearly noticing the way he kept spacing out, “In the meantime, I beg of you, do not speak to anyone about this? It’s something I haven’t disclosed to anyone in my field, not that it should be relevant anyway. I assist with rehabilitation, that’s where I belong now. Not here.” Armin looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact with Levi.

Levi flinched when he said rehabilitation, he had hoped maybe he could trick Eren into thinking he was okay now. No longer the physco he’d found on the bathroom floor that day. Levi felt his mouth upturn at the edge, a scoff making its way, unintentionally, out of his mouth. Armin only stared at him.

Levi had wanted nothing more than to have a ‘restart’ with Eren. He wanted to know about the caramel coloured boy, maybe take him out for tea, have a casual conversation. He was reminded that it would never happen.

According to science, you judge a person in the first three seconds that you meet them. For Levi, the first three seconds of meeting Eren was followed by the warmest and tightest embrace his body had ever felt. Even though he was involved with Nanaba previously, he never felt warmth like he did from Eren.

He thought about Eren’s first impressions of him, lying on a hospital bathroom floor, nude, hysterically crying. Eren must have only wanted to help for a small amount of time, then got out as soon as he could. Much like everyone else in his life. Of course, he requested to get away from Levi.

People often thought depression was contagious. The thought alone made Levi frustrated, people were stupid. He’d never ‘caught’ depression, it just threw itself at his mercy and had been living in his body for years now. He felt there was no way to get rid of it now, it was there, ever present in his everyday activities. He just had to learn to live with it now.

“LEVI!” Armin shouted his name again, waving his hand in front of his face. Levi flinched away from the hand, “How much have you had to drink here anyway? You keep daydreaming, what are you doing here anyway?”

Levi realised he was daydreaming again and snapped out of it, annoyed at Armin’s intrusion to his thoughts. “I thought you didn’t want to talk about anything?” Levi felt himself snap. He sighed in easy defeat, “I’m here with my cousin, she’s inside. I just came out for some fresh air. I’d ask you the same but I already to know the answer…” Levi smirked at him.

Armin only shook his head in reply to the raven, knowing anything he said now could ultimately be used against him. He motioned for Eren to return into the club with him, but Eren shook his head and said something under his breath that Levi didn’t quite catch. The door clicked as Armin entered and closed it again, leaving Levi alone with Eren.

Eren leaned his head back against the wall, his eyes closed and he let out a loud exaggerated sigh. Levi could only stare at the man in front of him, almost in trance at the beauty of him. He still hated that he felt this way about someone who was, really, a stranger to him. The way those chestnut locks fell messily over his eyes; perfectly groomed eyebrows, Levi noticed they never seemed to crease the way his did. He always looked more relaxed, the raven found himself staring into Eren’s ocean eyes, enchanted by the colours in them.

“Please don’t stare at it.” Eren spoke, now staring back at Levi. He didn’t look happy this time though, he looked annoyed.

“Sorry, I just…” Levi tried to explain. He felt slightly embarrassed that he’d been caught glaring into his eyes.

“Just don’t look at it. You should know better than anyone else not to stare at people’s scars. With the mess you’ve made.” Eren spat the words at him, venom thick in his voice, his eyes going to Levi’s arms.  

Levi immediately recoiled at the comment, it felt like he’d just been kicked in the stomach. He rubbed his arm, as if rubbing at his scars would remove them. The comment hurt him right to the core, hearing it from a ‘stranger’ was different. But, hearing it from someone he could come to admire and already liked was something else. It hurt him, it hurt him like a physical punch would. Anger burned in his chest, bright and fiery.

“Low blow, you fucking prick.” Levi spoke loudly this time, desperately trying to keep his anger at bay. With the alcohol flowing through his body it only enhanced his feelings, he was furious.

“Holy shit, the mouse has a voice, about damn time you started to defend yourself.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!” Levi felt his voice rising and octave, heat rising in his chest. In a state of panic and shock, he tried to speak again, “I was looking at your fucking eyes! Not your scar, you’re eyes are fucking beautiful? You prick.”

As soon as the words left his lips, he regretted it instantly. Those weren’t the words he wanted to come out, apparently drinking shots made him speak the truth. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. His eyes went wide, his hand moving over his mouth. As if he were trying to push them back in.

“Oh, is that so? Then stare away…” Eren’s voice had completely changed.

 Eren done more than confuse Levi, one second he was an angry man and the other he turned into someone forgiving and caring. It was an odd change, but one Levi didn’t question. Instead he done exactly what Eren had said to and stared into his eyes.

Levi glared into his eyes, noticing a small glimmer of gold close to the pupils. They were beautiful, and so was his scar. He tried his best to keep his eyes trained on the ones that were staring back at him. They stood there for a minute or so, just staring at each other before they were interrupted.

“Leeeeviiii, what are you doing?” Isabel hiccuped, “You’re missing all the best dances.” She slurred her words, walking lazily towards the pair. Eventually she reached him and and leant against his shoulder. “He-hey you!” She looked at Eren. “Didn’t think I’d see you again.”

“I could say the same for you Iz.” Eren spoke happily. Watching the pair with interest in his eyes.

“Well you know me, forever a wild child.” She giggled.

“Well, I’ll let you both get back to your night. Was nice seeing you again Iz, we should catch up sometime. Levi...until next time I guess.” Eren spoke and turned around, ready to head back through the door.

Levi felt desperation running through his veins, he didn’t want this to be over. He’d just gotten to actually speak to Eren, they were almost having a proper conversation. He didn’t want this to end, not yet. He threw Isabel from himself and ran towards the open door getting as close to Eren as he possibly could.

The raven reached out in a desperate measure to capture Eren, he grabbed onto his wrist. Harder than he meant to, he didn’t know it was a mistake until he was thrown to the ground, his head cracking on the pavement outside making a sickening sound. His vision started to darken and he could hear someone speaking, although he couldn’t make out the words. Eventually he gave in to the darkness around him.

\---

When he awoke the first thing he felt was a cold compress being pressed against the back of his head, a hand delicately cupping his cheek. The coldness was soothing, but it hadn’t helped the thumping headache he felt the beginnings of. He opened his eyes one at a time, blinking lazily at his surroundings. They were unknown to him, foreign.

On the couch across from him he could briefly see Isabel, which had him wondering who was touching his face? He froze when he heard a voice, his instincts kicking in he tried to push himself so he was in a sitting position, but he failed. He hadn’t moved from his spot, the voice didn’t sound threatening, but he wanted to ensure his cousin’s safety.  He closed his eyes again, concentrating on the voice above him.

“Levi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, you just grabbed me. I didn’t know it was you. I’m sorry, I can’t let people touch me. I’m tainted, I’m so sorry.”

The apologies were pouring out of this person's mouth like a mantra. He recognised the voice, but he couldn’t name the person who it belonged to. He was too groggy, too tired. After a moment of his concentration he felt himself slipping back into the darkness.

He woke up later in the morning, this time without a cold compress placed on his head. He moved his hand to feel the back of his head and groaned when he felt a large bump there instead. Levi looked across at the couch and noticed Isabel was still lying across from him, he felt grateful that she was still there. She looked unharmed and peaceful in her sleep.

The raven looked around the room, once he had managed to sit himself up. The room was plain, nothing on the walls and only a few cabinets placed against the walls. It looked like an old study. He stopped looking around the room, worry setting itself in between his brows. He couldn’t remember what had happened last night and he didn’t know where he was now.

Deciding the search, the room for clues of where he was, he stood up from the bed he was on. Looking over at Isabel again, noticing she was still in last night's clothes, which he took as a good thing. No one had tried to undress her. She was still sound asleep, snoring a little.

Levi walked over the one of the cabinets and noticed a glass of water and a table set on the top of it, he thought it looked suspicious and decided against drinking the water and he was not touching that tablet. Even though his tongue felt as dry as a desert. He needed to find something that would tell him where he was. He went through some of the drawers, there were folders and folders of paperwork but nothing was giving him even a hint of where he was. He reached the bottom drawer and noticed a black leather book.

Looking around the room before opening the book, his eyes fell on the first page and he gasped. The first page let him know the book belonged to Eren Jaeger. Of course, it did, of course he would find himself in a house with Eren’s things. He knew he shouldn’t but he wanted to know what was in the book. Underneath his messy writing there was another sentence it read; do not read this, this is for me only.

The words felt familiar, it was the same with Levi’s diary. It was only for his eyes, it helped him put his life into perspective. But his curiosity once again got the better of him and opened the book halfway, he could already tell it was well used. He glanced at the words on the page in horror. Almost to the point of needing to throw up, he wanted to erase the small sentence he read, to removed it from his mind. This was wrong, all of this was wrong. He shouldn’t be here.

He threw the book back into the bottom drawer and closed it, sitting down with his back against the cabinet. Trying to get his breathing under control so he wouldn’t vomit. He heard the door handle turning and watched as the tall man made his way to the bed and sat on it, looking down at Levi.

“Hey.” Eren spoke calmly, he took the pills from the cabinet and the water and offered them to Levi. “I figured you might have a headache, and you’re dehydrated, please drink something?” He asked delicately.

Levi took the water and pills from Eren’s hand, he placed the pills in his mouth and had no trouble taking the both with a little water. Once he had them down, he gulped down the rest of the water, feeling it cool his throat and make his mouth dampen. The feeling was nice, his tongue no longer scratching against the roof of his mouth. It returned to its natural wet state.

Eren was smiling at Levi now, his teeth exposed and Levi noticed a small dimple on the left hand side of Eren’s cheek. It looked beautiful, just like he always did. He blinked again when he noticed a black hue underneath Eren’s eye, he placed his hand out delicately to touch it. Eren flinched at the action and he felt himself retreating again.

“It’s not you, it just hurts like a bitch.” He laughed a little, before looking down and taking a large breath of air, “Also, I don't like people touching me. It’s nothing personal, I swear.” He sighed. When Levi didn’t speak he continued. “I know that might come as a shock, considering how I touched you when we met. I’m okay if I anticipate it, if I know it’s coming I’m okay with it.”

Levi held out his hand, an offering. Eren took it slowly, they sat in silence for a few moments. Levi rubbing his thumb across Eren’s knuckles. Wanting to comfort him as much as he possibly could without freaking him out. He spoke quietly, “My head hurts… I seem to have a bump.”

Eren flinched at the words, still holding Levi’s hand. “When you went to grab me last night, I didn’t know who it was, so I... I hit you. I’m so sorry Levi, I didn’t mean to.” Eren spoke with tears in his eyes, one dripping down his cheek.

Levi wanted nothing more than to hold Eren and tell him it was okay, he knew he didn’t mean it. With the way he spoke those words before he could tell it was something Eren really struggled with. Holding his hand would just have to suffice for now. He fought back every fibre in his being that was screaming at him to touch his face.

“I knocked you to the floor, you didn’t get up. I panicked I promise I didn’t mean to. I just, I couldn't I…” Eren whimpered, the sound was pathetic. Horrible, and Levi felt his pain.

“Eren, it’s okay. It’s okay. Shhhh. I’m fine, apart from the bump and this damn headache but that’s probably due to the alcohol.” He let out a light laugh.

“I’m so sorry Levi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Eren kept repeating himself, as if he were stuck in a loop.

“I’d like to touch you, is that okay Eren? I won’t hurt you I promise.” Levi stood up, keeping his hand attached to Eren’s. He slowly made his way so he was closer to Eren, he knew what was written in the diary and so he could completely understand why Eren acted the way he did. He only read one sentence in it, but it was enough.

“Eren, I won’t touch you unless you let me. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.” He paused for a moment moving closer to Eren, closing the distance between them, he was slow and careful with his movements. “I’d like to put my arms around you, is that okay?” He asked.

Eren didn’t reply but he did move himself closer to Levi, their bodies now touching. Levi felt like he was on fire from the contact. Eren placed his head on Levi’s shoulder, the raven could feel tears dripping on his shoulder. He still hadn’t moved, he had let Eren rest his head and felt his face beside his ear. “Yes.” Eren spoke quietly.

He wrapped his arms around Eren’s shoulder, trying to pull him closer. He brushed through chocolate coloured hair, he could feel Eren had moved himself lower so he didn’t have to strain to keep his arms around his shoulders. He just wanted to comfort him, just like Eren had done for him all those months ago.

He felt it when Eren stopped shivering, when his tears had stopped dropping, his breath was becoming calmer. Then he felt it, he felt Eren wrap his arms around Levi, holding him tightly, his hands holding onto his shoulder blades. The feeling was warm, delicate and Levi didn’t want it to end. His head was still resting on Levi’s shoulder, they tried to move slightly and the pair fell backwards onto the bed.

Bursting into a fit of laughter at the action, Levi felt himself relax. He had been slightly worried the pressure of his body on top of Eren would’ve been too much, but he had moved to the side as soon as they’d fallen.

“Guys, please. Shut the fuck up. My head is aching. I need more sleep...and maybe throw up.” Isabel spoke, finally awake. Obviously, their laughing had woke her up.

“Don’t do it on the fucking bed, there’s a toilet down the hall. We’ll move, go back to sleep Iz. You were a mess last night.” Eren laughed again.

The pair left the room and Isabel in peace. Eren leading the way down the hall and into his living room. Levi appreciated the cleanliness of it all. He made his way to the couch and was surprised when Eren sat beside him. Levi repositioned himself, bringing his feet up on the couch and opening his legs inviting Eren to sit in between them.

“Only if you want to.” He spoke, patting the space he’d made.

He watched as Eren debated the invitation, eventually moving himself from beside him and sat in between his legs, placing his back against Levi’s chest and letting his head rest just underneath his chin. Eren could hear soft breaths coming from Levi and he found it oddly relaxing.

“I’m still sorry about last night Levi, I shouldn’t have done that. I just can’t handle people touching me.” He leant his head back a little more, “I guess that must seem weird since I’m lying against you.”

“It’s nothing compared to what I put you through when we first met. I’m sorry you had to touch me then, I know it must have been hard. I only want you to touch me if you’re comfortable with it. Let me know as soon as you get uncomfortable okay?” Levi asked, voice quiet and laced with care.

Eren could feel the vibrations of Levi’s deep voice against his back, he felt his eyes close when Levi had stopped talking and his mouth began to move on its own accord.

“I’m not entirely sure why I’m going to tell you this. You don’t need to know, but the way we are at the moment. I feel safe, first the first time in… well years I guess. We hardly know each other Levi, yet here I am with my back resting against you. Feeling each breath, you’re taking and I’m not panicking. You feel so different from her… I’ve never let anyone this close to me in such a long time. The mere thought of touching another person turns my stomach. Yet, here I am.”

Levi could feel Eren’s breath quicken, he could feel him tense his upper half and he wanted to comfort him,. “Is it okay if I stroke your hair again?” Levi asked, voice calm and soothing.

“Yes.”

Levi moved one of arms so it was now beside Eren’s arm and his other hand moved to play with silky locks. His placed his hand on Eren’s stomach, careful not to put any pressure on it, not wanting to panic the man. “Is this okay?” He asked. Eren nodded and leant his head to the side and rubbed his face against Levi’s chin, in what could only be explained as affection. Levi felt his heart swell.

Eren began to speak again, slowly and calmly. “I don’t understand why I’m okay with this, why I’m happy with the way we are. Maybe it’s all the tablets I took this morning… You aren’t the only one with a hangover.” He let out a small snort, “No one has touched me like this. Delicately, carefully. I think...I think I missed this, the warmth of someone else. The feeling of your breath against my hear, the rise and fall of your chest. Every movement you make is slow and caring, it was so unlike back then.”

“Don’t feel forced to tell me anything Eren. You owe me nothing.”

“The same goes for you, you don’t owe me anything from the incident in the hospital. I just walked into the bathroom and seen you there. Looking broken and sad, I couldn’t leave you. I need to tell you something about then. I didn’t ask to leave the room. The look you gave me when I left made me feel ill, I didn’t mean to hurt you. They moved me, they wouldn’t let me come back to see you. The staff told me after the ‘allegations’ I made, I needed to be moved from anyone else. To be protected, they told me.” Eren had begun to shake again. “They ended up not believing me, just like everyone else.”

Levi felt Eren gulp, then he felt his shoulders tense and watched as a few stray tears fell from Eren’s eyes. He heard the sniffling sound coming from underneath him and the previous swell in his heart dissipate. Instead he felt it breaking for Eren, breaking for all the times he must’ve been hurt, for how delicate he really was underneath the harsh exterior he’d tried to build up. Levi was happy he was breaking down a few of those walls. He stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt Eren.

“I don’t know why they wouldn’t believe me. Was it because I was young? Because I’m a man? No one hurts a man, right?” He gulped again, “Levi, it hurt. She hurt me. When my dad was driving in that car down the highway I felt happy. Happy that it might end everything. Mika and mum were screaming. But he and I, we were calm, collected. Ready for the end, both of us. I guess it was for different reasons, but we both wanted to die. I didn’t tell anyone anything until I was drugged in the hospital. They were asking me all these questions.”

Eren began to cry properly, tears crashing down his face, chest heaving desperate to catch a breath. Yet, he still stayed in Levi’s arms, moving himself closer to the raven, seemingly needing to feel Levi’s body against his own. Levi once again stayed silent, only offering small hushes and resting his head against the crown of Eren’s head. His hand still playing with his hair.

“I’ve not said anything about this to anyone. Not since the hospital, not since they barraged me with questions. You think you’re broken Levi, but I can assure you right now; I’m more broken than anyone in this world. That’s why I hated it when I see people purposely hurting themselves. I never had a choice when she cut me, when she sliced that blade up my thigh and towards my groin. I didn’t have a choice when she poured the absinthe down my throat, burning it in the process. I didn’t have a choice when she tied me against the bed, the ropes cutting into my wrists. Not when she forced herself on me, not when I cried for her to stop.  Fuck, it’s so unfair. I never had a choice, you do Levi. You do.”

Eren burst into another fit of tears, chest heaving and breaths coming out ragged. Levi moved himself so he was sat up properly against the arm of the couch and pulled Eren closed to him, turning him around. Still being careful in his movements, he was slow not wanting to hurt Eren. The brunet allowed him to be moved like a child.

Eren buried his head into Levi’s chest, whimpering as he done so. Levi wrapped his arms protectively around his body, shushing him. “You’re okay now, Eren. You’re here with me. I won’t hurt you. I’d never do anything to hurt you.” He placed a hand on Eren’s cheek, wiping away the tears. He felt he needed the contact more than Eren right now, but he held on to the man until his tears silenced and he began to breathe normally again.

“I need to keep going, I need to say it. Fuck, I don’t want to, I don’t want to admit to it all, but it happened. It happened all the time, every night she was at my house. My parents trusted her, and why wouldn’t they? Family members aren’t supposed to hurt you, she was a monster. She IS a monster. I was so young, I can’t even remember when it first started. That alone sickens me, I feel dirty and used. I feel like my body will never be cleaned from her rotten touch. She didn’t stop when I cried, not when I screamed. I had no choice but to be silent. Quietly accepting what was happening to my body.”

Levi noticed Eren still had his face firmly underneath his arm, he wanted to look at him. To tell him it was okay, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know how he was truly feeling in this moment, all he could do was keep his hold on the younger man. Comforting him in any way he possibly could.

“The worst part is that she would tell me I was enjoying it because I would end up hard. I tried my best to stop my body from betraying me, but it’s just science right? She’d tell me it was our little secret, if I told anyone she would hunt me down and kill me. She’d tell me that no one would believe me anyway… I guess she was right. She would kill me though, there was no doubt in my mind that if it really came to it she would kill me. If she cut me, bruised me and raped me, why wouldn’t she go further and end my life? I’m sorry.”

Instinct took over with Levi, “Don’t you dare, for one second apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say to the man. He had never experienced pain like that before, he’d been hit by his father when he was younger. Nothing compared to what had happened to Eren though, his pain wasn’t any worse than Eren’s but the two couldn’t be compared to each other.

Not being able to comfort Eren any more than that hurt him, he could see how vulnerable Eren was being and he couldn’t offer any help of advice. The only ‘advice’ he had for moments like this was to hurt himself, and he knew he couldn't suggest that to Eren. That would be more than fucked up, but it was his only coping mechanism. He wondered how Eren had managed to get so far in life with no scars on his body to tell his stories. He’d guessed all his scars were kept inside. Levi had never had anyone open up to him the way Eren was now.

Everyone usually hid their feelings in front of Levi, because they all knew how mentally unstable he was, and people like that could never offer advice. No one would speak their mind around him, all of them too scared of the way he would react. Eren didn’t hesitate, he poured his heart out to Levi, maybe it was because he trusted him...or maybe it was because he didn’t know Levi.

Whatever the reason was, Levi felt relief that someone was finally confiding in him, even more so that that someone was Eren. It made him feel like he meant something to someone, Eren didn’t have to tell Levi anything, but he did. Eren opened up and told him the truth about his past, however hard it must’ve been for him he really set his feelings out on the table and that’s when Levi knew exactly what to say.

“I believe you Eren. I know it might not seem like much and I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can’t even begin to comprehend the pain you’ve been through. If you ever need to talk I’ll leave my number. I know you’re aware that I’m going through some shit of my own, but if I can offer you even a little bit of relief. I will.”

Eren only nuzzled into the crook of Levi’s neck, they were soon interrupted by some sort of odd looking human walked into the living room. Hair pointing in all different directions, black panda eyes covered her face. Like in usual Isabel fashion, she had stolen one of Eren’s shirts and was walking around with nothing else one.

“Ohh, what have I interrupted here? My cousin and an old friend. Cute.” She chirped.

“Go take a fucking shower, get dressed then we’re going? Understood?” Levi hollowed at her, annoyed at the way she sauntered in with nothing but a t-shirt on, especially after what Eren had just told him. He knew it wasn’t her fault, maybe she didn’t know anything. She only sulked and walked out of the room.

“Sorry about her. We’ll head out as soon as she’s finished. Unless, you’d like to join us for tea?” Levi asked.

Removing himself from Levi and sitting up, “Actually I’d really like that. But I think we both desperately need to shower… I’ve been crushed into your pit for last god knows how long and my god… you stink!” Eren burst into laughter.

Levi playfully pushed him away, before smelling himself “I smell fine you little shit! Although, if you don’t mind I’d love to take a shower.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so this chapter was deep. Please if you've ever experienced something like this, do seek help. There are plenty of phone numbers around and if you're comfortable tell someone you trust. I'm back on the angst train, thanks for reading and be sure to let me know what you think <3


	13. A coffee date and saying goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren, Levi and Issy head out for a morning coffee after the events of the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, the last chapter was pretty heavy so I decided to make this one a little less angsty ;)  
> Thanks so much for keeping up to date with this, though I have decided to update every second week instead of every week. Life is a bit crazy right now and updating every second week let's me go into more detail with the chapters and not rush them. I hope you all understand (: Still a long way to go, but I really enjoyed writing this chapter, I hope you'll all enjoy it too! <3

“Does anyone feel like filling me in on last night then? I can’t remember a damn thing!” Isabel laughed while taking a long sip of her black coffee, squinting her face slightly at the taste of bitterness.

The men looked at each other, wondering how they’d explain what had happened to them. He still felt guilty about pushing her onto the floor when he went after Levi, he always felt like he was taking it too far when it came to Eren. But, in the end it seemed it all paid off, here he was sitting next to the brunet sipping on some tea.

“You came out to look for me after you’d have one too many drinks last night, I was having a bit of an intense argument with Eren here and well you came over at the wrong time. I pushed you onto the ground, nothing serious, went after Eren and he floored me in one punch.”

At this information Isabel felt herself laughing uncontrollably, pointing her index fingers in Levi’s pale face, making everyone around them look in confusion. Levi tried to kick his cousins leg but he missed and kicked the table leg instead. Which only resulted in her laughing even harder at him.

“Isabel, will you shut the fuck up, people are staring at us.” He pleaded at her.

Eren was watching the pair with fascination on his face. He knew they were cousins, but it looked like they were close. Levi noticed Eren’s expression and gave him another smile, he found he smiled more around Eren than anyone else. A fact he didn’t mind at all now.

Levi wondered what was going on in Eren’s head, he received a smile back but then Eren went back to daydreaming again. It made him think about the events earlier in the day, he hoped this was the start of something beautiful for the pair. He just wanted to be friends, but the comfort of feeling someone’s body warmth against his own he found was oddly addicting.

He wanted more, he didn’t know how it was going to work. Before they had left, they had shared numbers with each other, Levi’s heart racing as he typed the number into his phone. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so...normal.

He was sat in a coffee shop with two of his friends, he guessed. Drinking tea, enjoying their company, he was loving being out away from Erwin’s constant watch. He knew this weekend would be worth it, but he hadn’t realised just how much he would enjoy it. It had been the most fun he’d had in years. Sadly, he knew it would come to an end.

Levi felt a hand make its way onto his thigh, and looked back at Eren. Who was chatting idly to Isabel, the pair knew each other from college it seemed. Both of them laughing about ‘the old times.’

Levi would never have guessed what Eren had been through, he always looked so happy and carefree. He did have a ball of rage inside of him, but he’d rarely seen it, only last time did he really feel the effect of it. He could still feel it on the back of his head. The bump would heal, but he hoped his new friendship would last a lot longer, only time would tell.

“So anyway, how did you and Eren meet?” Levi asked, wanting to get out of his own mind before it started to go downhill.

Eren sat up in his seat, keeping his back straight and removing his hand from Levi’s thigh. ALthough he moved his body closer, the pair now touching. Levi’s skin once again on fire from the touch of Eren. The feeling was addicting and he relished in the fact Eren wanted to touch him. It made him feel special, wanted.

“Well,” Eren began, “We met each other in college. Both of studying art of course.  Isabel was the best in the class, so I asked her for some pointers. In our first year we hardly spoke, only out of need. I always felt like she didn’t like me that much. She has a resting bitch face.” He winked at her, “In second year we got close, my friends weren’t exactly my friends. On top of that she was totally into…” Eren stopped mid-sentence.

Isabel has kicked him under the table, her face telling him not to say anything.

“She, uhh, she was really into fashion. Which is what I was trying to major in. Apparently, I had to follow my dad's footsteps. Bastard.” He stopped for a moment, biting on his fingernails. “So yeah, everyone around me was only interested in me because of my money and status. I told them all to fuck off, punched a horse in the face. Isabel loved that shit and after that we became inseparable for a few years.” He smiled fondly at her.

“Wait, wait. You punched a horse?! What the fuck!” Levi spoke, confused as to what he’d just heard. “Why are you so casual about that?”

“Levi, his name is Jean if you seen his face you’d understand why Eren punched him.” Isabel interrupted him.

“After we left college, we kind of just drifted apart y’know.” Eren finished. Isabel moved from across the table and ruffled Eren’s hair much to his displeasure.

Levi was taken aback by the action, the way Eren didn’t flinch underneath her touch. Then again, he had just been informed that they’d been close for years. Of course, it wouldn’t matter. Another fact hit him square in the face. Eren was still being hurt while he was friends with Isabel. He felt himself becoming angry at her for not protecting him back then.

“Aww, he’s such a cutie! Isn’t he, Levi?” Isabel’s voice brought Levi back. She was smiling wickedly at him.

“Yeah, sure.” Levi answered, knowing he was blushing.

He cursed at himself for blushing, once he had spoken to words he felt a hand squeeze his knee. The touch made him flinch as he hadn’t been expecting it, he hit his knee against the table and crushed Eren’s hand against it. They both tried their best to hide the noise with cough but they had failed...miserably.

Isabel had noticed, she made a face at the pair. Knowing they may want some privacy she spoke, “Excuse me, I have to powder my nose.” She laughed before heading away.

“Issy, that’s code for taking a shit and we all know it.” Levi commented as she headed away. Laughing at his own joke. He looked back at Eren and noticed he was looking down. He felt his thigh become cold and had noticed the brunet had moved away from him.

“Uhh, sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out there.” Eren spoke before Levi had a chance to ask why he’d moved. He’d just guessed Eren had suddenly realised who he was touching and moved away. The raven wanted nothing more than to feel the warmth of Eren against his legs again. He felt sad that the man had suddenly recoiled from him, but he understood why.

He wondered if being in public was too much for them. ‘But then, why would he touch my knee?’ He asked himself. He must’ve hurt Eren when he moved his knee, that must’ve been it. He felt annoyed at himself for acting so carelessly. Stopping himself there, he nipped at his skin.

Levi knew he had to do something, he didn’t want this to end. He didn’t want them to separate like this, they’d had a lovely morning. Repositioning himself so he was now facing Eren, he looked pleadingly into his beautiful eyes and he held out his hand, “I’d like to hold your hand. Would I be able to do that?” He asked, his voice sounding foreign to him.

Levi was usually less than confident, especially when asking for things. He wanted this, he wanted to touch Eren, so when he spoke. He spoke with confidence, confidence that almost scared him. His heart began to race again as he waited for his answer.

It was all worth it when Eren extended his hand and their fingers intertwined. Heath engulfed his cold hand and he was treated to a bright smile from Eren, loving the way Eren’s dimple appeared. It was nothing else but perfect.

They sat in silence, looking at each other’s hand with interest written on their faces. Their other hands struggling to pick up their cups but neither of them wanted to break the contact the had again.  They held their hands underneath the table. Isabel came back from the toilet and sat across from them again, eyeing them up.

“We should check out of the hotel, we need to head back soon.” She announced.

Levi felt Eren removed his hand and he felt annoyed at the loss of contact he’d only just got a feel for again. He accepted that Eren might not want to be seen holding hands with someone. He just hoped they would stay in contact with each other.

They paid for their drinks and left the small cafe, thanking the store assistants before leaving. Levi was happy when Eren followed them back to their hotel, once they reached the door Levi turned round to Eren, “If you wait for a second I can bring this down to you.” Levi motioned to his shirt. The one he’d borrowed from Eren after his shower.

“Nah, you keep it.” Eren spoke softly. “I’ll be heading back now, stay safe you pair.” He turned around to leave.

“Could you help with packing? Isabel is terrible at it.” Levi spoke, wanting to spend just a little more time with Eren. Any excuse would do.

“Okay.” Eren spoke and he followed them up to their room. The trio cleaned up the mess they had made from the night before. Isabel putting everything she could into her bags, shampoo, conditioner. Anything she could get her hands on she took. Levi only sighed at her. Once everything was packed into their bags Isabel went into the bathroom for one last sweep.

“Okay, I’ll check us out. I’ll meet you at the front door, don’t be too long okay?” She walked out of the door leaving the two of them alone.

They stood in a silence for a couple of second before offering each other silly, small smiles. Levi made the first move and walked over to Eren, “Can we hug again?” He asked, once again respecting Eren’s boundaries. Levi wanted to do more than hug, he wanted to kiss the caramel skinned beauty in front of him. He wanted it more than he needed to breathe in the moment.

The brunet accepted, opening his arms wide for Levi. He walked into them and Eren found himself placing his arms protectively around the smaller man, resting his chin on the soft ebony hair. Levi could feel his heart once again racing at the touch, loud enough that he was sure Eren would be able to hear it as well.

Levi looked up at Eren, he moved closer, standing on his tiptoes now. He felt himself getting closer to the plump lips he wanted to kiss, he needed to kiss. The hug wasn’t enough for him and he wanted more. As he closed the distance between them, he felt Eren tense.

He immediately seized his movements and removed himself from Eren’s arms. He felt the familiar pang in his stomach, the one that told him he was stupid. The one that said he’d taken things too far, the way he always did. Pushing people's boundaries, forcing them to do what _he_ wanted. Manipulating them.

Eren picked up on Levi’s internal monologue and moved back, forcing Levi to open his arms again. The latter was taken aback by the movement, he’d been so sure he’d messed things up. He looked back up at Eren, and watched as he placed a delicate kiss on the tip of Levi’s nose.

The feeling of warmth once again engulfed Levi, his previous thoughts disappearing and being replaced by happier ones. Ones that offered hope for him, Eren was his hope now. Something he loved the sound of, he wanted more. He could wait for now, he would wait forever if he had to.

After the kiss, Eren placed his lips close to Levi’s ear, “I’m sorry I couldn’t kiss you properly.” He moved back, still in Levi’s arms, “I want to thank you for this weekend. I had a lot of fun, in the end.” He giggled, the sound was beautiful filling up the room. “Thank you for listening to me, for not asking questions but most importantly thank you for asking for permission every time you touched me. You’ve shown me not everyone in the world is full of hate, you showed me something I’d never expect from you. Thank you, Levi.”

With that, Eren removed himself from Levi’s touch and left the room. Not saying another word, Levi was too caught up in his own thoughts to acknowledge the brunet’s departure. He stood in the middle of the room for a moment, regretting not being able to tell Eren just how much he’d enjoyed his time with him as well.

When Eren didn’t return to the room after a few minutes, Levi picked up his bags and left. Once he made his way down the stairs, he felt the familiar sickness work its way into his chest. As soon as he left this building, he would leave the fairy tale he had been living in for the past two days.

He had to return to his prison at some point. The time coming far quicker than he had expected.

 


	14. The texts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi have swapped numbers, Levi is the first to text. But their conversation is cut short and Eren must decide what he wants.

Eren sat down on his bed, bottle of beer on the table in front of him, some random show playing in the background. He’d been staring at his phone all afternoon and evening, waiting for a text from Levi. He felt himself growing more anxious as the time passed.

He regretted leaving the way he did, he hadn’t given Levi a chance to say goodbye. He thought it might be too painful for his new friend. He hadn’t wanted it to be painful, a kiss on the nose and a thank you seemed to be the best option.

As he sat on the couch he tried to position himself into the way he was earlier that day. Nothing was making him feel the way he did when he was leaning against the raven’s chest. The feeling of someone else after so long had surprised Eren. After his traumatic recent past, he thought he wouldn’t want anyone to touch him again.

He felt his phone vibrate on the couch and he looked at, feeling uneasy at looking at it. He’d been waiting for a message all day and now it was finally here he felt sick.

Glancing down at the screen, he recognised the number. It was not Levi’s.

**NoReply** Dear Mr. Jaeger, you are now overdue for your appointment at Royal Maria Hospital. Please call to us to arrange an appointment. You will have one more offered appointment before you are removed from our list. To decline please text ‘NO’ to 657***.

“Oh for fucks sake,” he sighed. Typing ‘NO’ into his phone, before it buzzed again in his hands. He saw the name pop up at the top of the screen, he felt his heart racing again. He opened up the new message.

**Levi**                                                                                   Hi Eren, Levi here. I wasn’t sure if you took down my number properly, so thought I’d text just in case. I wanted to thank you for this morning, it was nice. Sorry if I overstepped any boundaries during our time together.

“He’s so formal and sweet.” Eren spoke aloud. He fondly remembered earlier in the day the way he’d felt when they had been hugging on the couch. The way Levi would always ask for confirmation before doing anything, it had made him feel safe and secure. How odd it was that someone like Levi had made him feel as safe as he did.

Although Levi may be sweet and caring now, he knew everyone had a bad streak inside of them desperate to get out. He’d been there at the hospital when Levi had lost his cool with one of the nurses, he’d never gotten physical, but his stare was enough to send shivers down Eren’s spine.

He’d seen the scars on his body, his thighs and arms had been red and raw. He knew Levi had a destructive mind, that’s why he felt as confused as he did now. How could someone with so much self-hatred be so kind and caring towards him?

He had feared that when Levi woke after being knocked out he’d go after Eren for knocking him out. Yet he came around and done nothing but comfort Eren, he was confused. The raven had been nothing but gentle with him. The feeling alone was so foreign to Eren he felt Levi must need something from him and that’s why he was acting the way he was.

Eren felt like this every time someone had tried to get close to him, after the abuse he endured from someone that was supposed to be family. He hated calling her that, she was no family of his. No one who could inflict such horrible harm to him could call themselves his family. His stomach turned as painful memories entered resurfaced.

After the accident she had tried to claim custody over Eren, thankfully it had never happened. The police had agreed Eren was old enough to make his own decisions and he had become the homeowner of his parents’ house. He chose not to live there for fear she would turn up one day. He’d wondered why she’d came back to him after all these years.

The last time he had saw her, Eren was 18 and he’d just brought home his first girlfriend. He had been giddy at the beginning of the night but it had turned sour quickly.

Since that night, the only benefit seemed she now understood that Eren wouldn’t be taking any more of her shit. That was the last time she had forced herself on him, the brunet had been drinking earlier in the night. They’d been celebrating after all. She had snuck into his room when everyone else was asleep.

His girlfriend had left just before midnight, they shared a heated kiss at the front door before she went. It had sent tingles up his body and he felt high on the kiss. He went back to his room and tried to fall asleep, desperate to fall into sleep without crying or passing out from the pain.

He hadn’t been lucky as she walked into his room, pulling the covers off of him and pushed them to the side as she straddled his legs. He knew she wasn’t wearing any clothes. Bringing him back to reality he had to rush to the bathroom to vomit from the thought of it.

He heaved up his breakfast, wiping his hand on his shirt he managed to calm himself. He knew he had to bring himself back to reality, but trying to was so hard, he couldn’t get the images out of his head. His aunt climbing over his body plagued his mind.

He sat with his head against the toilet, he let his saliva fall from his mouth. He held onto his stomach as he tried desperately to think of something else, anything else. He closed his eyes, which was a mistake. As soon as he done so he could feel her on him. As if she was here now, groping him and moaning into his ear. Whispering that he had to do this for her, he owed her this.

Dirty hands reached out for him, trying to pull down his boxers. Eren tried to scream but nothing came out, he felt her disgusting lips on his neck and his body. She told him she had to get the smell of ‘slut’ off of him, that he needed to smell like her little boy again. He remembered every word, it had been etched into his head.

In a fit of blind rage, he screamed at her, shocking her enough that he managed to throw her from the bed. He jumped on top of her and smashed her head onto the floor, he had heard her scream. He didn’t care, he’d heard her beg, it didn’t faze him. He’d done all those things to him and now it was payback.

He didn’t stop until he heard screams coming from behind him, his father looked at him with horror in his eyes. He watched as blood pooled from out of her head, her eyes were swollen and bruised. Her irises rolled to the back of her head.

He remembered he felt happy, until his father pulled him off and threw him against his bed. His nose cracking on the side of the metal, blood spurting out.

He was brought back to the room, head still over the toilet, sweat dripping down his forehead. His fists were clenched and he was leaving painful red coloured crescents into his palm. Almost drawing blood.

Almost drawing blood.

He knew Levi had self-harmed, he wondered in his moment of anxiety whether it would help him or not. He was desperate to get out of his own head, at least if he done he’d be making the mark an no one else. He’d be hurting himself, if he could do this no one else could hurt him.

He finally started to understand Levi’s thoughts and logic in the matter. Those scars he wore, those scars were _his_ , they belonged to him and no one else.

Eren reached over to the razer he kept in his bathroom cabinet, he managed to find some scissors and managed to pull the razor blade from its plastic protective barrier. He sat on the floor, legs crossed. He pulled the towel down from the radiator, he was breathing heavily. Heaving breaths in and out, he turned the blade in his hand. Fascinated by it, it didn’t look sharp. It wasn’t one he’d used yet, so it should be sharp.

He took a deep breath, steading himself. Deciding he best check if the blade was sharp first, he chose an area on his knuckle. That way, if anyone asked he could say he punched a wall, something he knew was believable. He had a terrible temper so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for him. He swiped the blade across his skin and watched as the skin tore apart.

“Fuck, fuck. That fucking hurts.” He shouted, dropping the blade to the floor and grabbing the towel to place over his cut. He held against his knuckle tightly, he began to worry he’d taken it too far. The pain was still there, it was different to the one he was used to.

Moving the towel out of the way, he began to inspect the wound. He was sure he’d split his knuckle, possibly down to the muscle. Yet, when he looked he saw nothing more than a small line of redness. Nothing more than a papercut, he looked back at the blade of the floor picking it up and disposing of it.

“Fuck that shit.” He cursed, he knew he wouldn't be doing that again. Although, he felt his heart sink at the thought of Levi doing that, of how painful it must be for him every time he hurt himself. He could still feel the sting on his skin from the cut, and he’d done nothing more than a small scratch.

Levi’s arms were covered in thick scars, Eren could tell some of them had been stitched and others had been left to heal on their own. His skin had been swollen in some areas and it made the skin on his wrist stick out oddly. Eren hated thinking about Levi that way now. He wanted to help him now more than ever.

He heard his phone vibrating in the other room and cleaned up. Throwing wet tissues down the toilet before flushing, disinfecting the bowl, then washing his hands and brushing his teeth. He headed back into his living room, sitting back on the couch.

He pulled a duvet over him trying to keep himself warm. He knew it couldn't replicate the warmth he had felt this morning. After his moment in the bathroom, he knew Levi wasn’t good for him. Levi addicting, like a drug. Something he knew he shouldn’t be involved with, but he desperately wanted to. He debated it in his head over and over.

**Levi**                                                                     It’s Levi from this morning by the way. In case you know any other Levi’s.

Eren knew he had to make a choice now. Did he want to be involved with Levi, or would he live without that warmth and care? It was comfortable but he felt empty. He took a deep breath and typed his reply.

**Eren**

Hi, I remember you. It was nice, thank you as well. Also tell Iz I say hey :) Lol

Eren felt his body react to his decision, his hair sticking up on his arms. A cold shiver running down his spine, he closed his eyes and steadied his breathing. He couldn’t help it, he just wanted to feel the warmth he had this morning. Albeit, it was odd that he wanted that comfort from someone who was more broken than he was.

He was never one to wallow in his self-pity, he’d always found it better to distract himself. Socialising with people had always been a good distraction for him, he was more interested in other people’s lives than his own. He’d always forced himself to remember that there’s other people out there who have had it worse than he has.

The brunet would never admit that he had felt depressed, he just said he had moments of sadness and weakness. The same as everyone else he knew. He never saw the point in dwelling over the past, he would never be able to change it. He was rich enough that he could distract himself for the rest of his life.

The only issue he’d encountered with that was the women that would throw themselves onto him when they found out who they were. The feeling of another body on him made him sick. Yet, every night he’d end up the same, in a fight with the security cards.

Occasionally he’d found himself screaming and shouting at the women that dared touch him, he wasn’t some toy that they could touch whenever they wanted. It pissed him off that if the situation was worse, he’d be seen as some sort of predator.

**Levi**

Issy actually left to go back home. I’ll let her know though. I’m back home too.

**Eren**

Awh sweet, I didn’t know you were just visiting. but i guess the hotel shudve been a big clue. What made u want to come here ‘nyway?

 

**Levi**

Yeh, stayed for the weekend. I wanted to say sorry again about the hospital. Especially after everything you’ve been through…

**Eren**

You’ve gotta stop saying sorry for that shit. it doesnt matter now! Everyone needs an outlet, I just happened to be there when u needed urs.

 

**Levi**

What do you mean an outlet? I just fuck things up a lot.

 

**Eren**

FFS Levi, enough of your self pity. JFC its FINE. how many times do i have to tell you?! u just needed someone to talk to. I happened to be there.

 

Eren hadn’t noticed his hands were now shaking, making it difficult for him to type. He’d lost his temper again, he hated people who dwelled in their self-pity. Self-pity never got him anywhere and it wouldn’t for anyone else either. It began to enrage him that Levi spoke badly about himself all the time. The man wasn’t helping himself, he hadn’t been expecting a reply, so he was shocked when he felt his phone buzz again.

**Levi**

Okay, sorry. I didn’t know you were just an ‘outlet’ I guess I am too. Just a fucking outlet. Thanks!

 

Eren didn’t bother with a reply, he felt too angry to write anything. It was late in the evening now and he needed to calm down before bed or else he’d suffer from his night terrors. He opted for a long warm bath, he walked back into the bathroom leaving his phone in the living room, not wanting to look at it again tonight.

Turning the tap on and squirting some bath cream under the tap, he stripped. His eyes automatically went down to his own scar, he hated it with all his being. It reminded him that he had been marked by her forever.

He cursed himself as he got into the bath, forgetting about the cut on his knuckle as it stung from the bubbles. He felt he understood self-harming a little better than before, he could understand the reason behind it. It wasn’t something he’d ever do again. He settled in the bath and began to scrub his body. Ensuring every part of him was cleansed.

Usually he’d have two baths, or a bath and then a shower. Usually the first one was for relaxation purposes and the next one for a deeper clean. Tonight, he couldn't be bothered, he just wanted the day to end. It was an odd feeling considering earlier in the day he hadn’t wanted it to end at all.

Getting out of the bath, he dried himself and felt his eyes looking back down at the scar on his thigh. He tried to feel the skin there, but most of the area was completely numb. He had always felt slightly grateful that she let him go to the hospital to get the wound seen to. Although she hadn’t let him go alone.

No one had asked him about how he got the cut when he was in the hospital, they’d all taken his aunts word for it. He’d guessed back then that no one was trained in mental health issues. He’d also realised than when it came to emotional of physical abuse the trend seemed to be women got raped but men didn’t. They always wanted sex.

That was something she’d also etched into his brain, ‘No one would believe you because you’re a pathetic little boy!’ Every time she’d touch him, she finishes by saying that, it didn’t matter how she done it. She’d been rough, bruising him in the process, other times she begged for him to just ‘cooperate’ it was going to happen anyway and if he was willing she tried to promise it would be more enjoyable. They always ended up in him being tied and gagged, his screams reaching no one as they had always been muffled...or ignored.

“Stop fucking dwelling in the past, Jaeger.” He spoke the words aloud, trying to get them to sink in. He’d never thought about it this much. He wondered if it was because of Levi, was it because he finally told someone the truth. Him did not interrupt him. Levi just sat and listened to him. He’d had enough for the night, changed into his pyjamas and headed towards his bed.

\----

More than a fortnight had passed since Levi and Eren had last texted each other, neither of them getting over the actions of another. Eren had found himself growing more frustrated as each day passed painfully slow. He knew he’d been right in calling Levi out for being too caught up in the past, but maybe he should’ve been a little more caring towards the man.

Eren’s temper had always got the better of him, even if it made things difficult for him. Now, he didn’t have Mikasa to help him pick up the pieces in one of his rages. He missed her, he missed her so much. He had to move on though, she was dead. Nothing would ever change that, nothing would ever change the words that he typed that night as well.

He felt like he needed to leave, to run away from everyone and everything. In the two weeks that had passed since their argument, Eren had broken doors, vases and even some photographs he had hanging up. He had so much rage built up inside of him and he was desperate for a release.

What pissed him off more was the constant texts he’d been receiving from the hospital, even after they’d threatened him previously by stating he only had one more chance. He gave into them and called the hospital there and then. He only needed to attend one appointment and then tell them to stuff it.

He dialled the number on his phone and they noticed the second ring, “Good afternoon, Maria General Hospital. How can I help you?”

“Yeah, you’ve been harassing me to make an appointment with Dr. Hange?” Eren tried to keep his voice down.

“No problem Sir, let me transfer you through.”

**…**

Eren waited for what felt like an eternity of ringing before finally someone answered on the other end of the line. This person not as chirpy as the one before.

“Good afternoon, you’ve reached Dr Hange’s assistant. Unfortunately, they are not available right now. How can I assist you?”

“Hi, yeah. I need to make an appointment, since you guy won’t stop hassling me.”

“Of course, Sir, can I take your full name please?”

“Eren Jaeger.”

Eren heard and audible gasp on the other end, he was used this kind of unwanted attention. It seemed he would never be able to escape his past life, whenever he mentioned the ‘Jaeger’ part of his name. It seemed everyone had heard of him now. He was now nothing more than a tragic story.

“If you could actually speak to me rather than gasping at my name, I’d appreciate it.” His words laced with venom, tired of dealing with this shit repeatedly.

“My apologies Sir. Dr Hange is available next Thursday or Friday. When would be best for you?”

“Friday 10am.”

“No problem, Sir. I’ll pencil you in now for them. We look forward to working with you.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

He hung up immediately, not wanting to be able to come up with another excuse to ignore the appointment. He knew he had to do it, he didn’t want to speak to anyone about his problems, he’d been putting this off for months now. It seemed Dr. Hange wasn’t someone who gave up so easily though. Eren didn’t need help, unlike his ‘friend’ Levi, he knew exactly what he was doing and the consequences to his actions.

It seemed Levi had managed to wiggle his way into Eren’s brain again, he missed talking to him. He knew he was harsh the last time he spoke, but he felt like he had to be. Not everyone would stand on eggshells around the raven, that was something he just had to learn. It seemed it wasn’t a lesson for Eren to teach. Eren felt himself becoming sad at the lack of contact between the two, instead of dwelling on it. He opted to push his feelings to the side again and remain angry at the man.

“Stupid, fucking prick.”

Eren knew he’d spend another day alone in his apartment, finding himself setting up his PlayStation to play again. He found games to be a good distraction for him, he’d jump onto ‘Dying Light’ hacking and slashing his way through hordes of zombies. When he was playing this game, he was the hero. People would depend on him to find the cure, to eradicate the virus.

In that game he wasn’t Grisha Jaegers son, not the man that was supposed to take over the fashion industry. Something, he had absolutely no interest in. He wasn't the victim of a horrible incident... _Two_ horrible incidents.

The brunet refused to let his mind wander to the broken parts of his past, instead he continued playing his game. He managed to find the person he was supposed to and was flying through the air with his grappling hook, before his phone buzzed violently beside him. He paused the game, looking at his phone. Armin’s name lit up on his phone.

**Armin**

Hey wanna grab a bite to eat? I’ll be heading back soon, thought you might wanna catch up before I head away.

**Eren**

Yeah sure, when’re u free?

**Armin**

I could be at your in 10?

**Eren**

Sure

Eren hadn’t wanted any attention, he couldn’t be bothered with people right now, he’d had enough of socialising. It always revolved around the same shit lately. Although he knew he’d have to spend some time with Armin before he left again. Once upon a time, the pair had been inseparable, along with Mikasa. He’d never get that back now.

She was gone, she’d never come back. He hadn’t put much thought on it, even when he attending her funeral and spoke for her. How it was unfair she had such a short and painful life, he remembered seeing Isabel stood at the back of the church. She’d never get a chance to be with Mikasa now.

He was brought back to the present when he heard Armin walking through his door, his hair was tied back in a messy bun. Somehow, he always seemed to rock that look. He gave Eren a small weak smile.

“You wanna stay here? You look like crap.”

“Wow, thanks Armin.” He rolled his eyes, “But yeah. I’d rather stay here.”

Armin set down his bag and sat beside Eren on the couch. He picked up the other controller and joined Eren’s game, the pair of them sitting in silence for the moment. Slashing their way through zombies, neither of them wanting to speak. Armin knew something was playing on Eren’s mind but he didn’t want to push him.

They played in silence for ten minutes before Armin broke their quietness, “Spit it out Eren.” He spoke, not looking at Eren. He’d had enough of Eren’s silence.

“It’s a long story, I can’t be bothered going into details. It’s about that guy you know. Levi, he’d a nice guy. He’s troubled, but he’s really lovely when it comes down to it and I think I fucked things up with him.” Eren let out a long sigh, feeling a bit of relief that he’d finally admitted his feelings and frustrations.

“Stay away from Levi, Eren.” His voice came as a warning, the words falling off his lips with no hesitation. Armin was usually a calm and collected person, so to see his friend like this. It made Eren feel disturbed.

Eren felt like Armin was attacking the raven he’d come to like so much, was it just because he was troubled? Or was there more to the man he didn’t know that much about. “Well, that was unexpected. Why? Why should I stay away from him, maybe I can help him?” Eren spoke softly.

“Eren, Levi is not a charity case for you to ‘fix’ he is a very broken man. I’ve seen him use his mental instability to get what he wants. The man is poisonous, I want you to stay away from him.”

He felt like Armin was being too harsh on Levi, he wasn’t all that bad when he was comforting Eren. Whispering soft hushes into his ear, holding on to him like his life depended on it. He so desperately wanted to speak to Levi, but with what Armin was telling him. He guessed he’d just have to take his advice. Armin had very rarely been wrong before.

“Okay, you win. I’ll stop speaking to him, but I need you to tell me why.”

“I will.” Armin replied.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy, I'm sorry this is so short. I had been hoping for a much more detailed chapter but it didn't happen. I'm going to be working harder over the holidays to produce more content for y'all but for the moment I hope you enjoyed this update. Angst is coming at full force again. BUT remember, I promised a happy ending. Granted, I'm hoping I still have at least another 10 chapters in me ;) 
> 
> As always your comments inspire me and a click of that cheeky kudos button does wonders as well. Catch you next chapter!


	15. You what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin finally tells Eren exactly why he wants him to stay away from Levi, leading to Eren questioning his motives. He needs to decide where he will go from here. Meanwhile, Levi feels his recovery is going well and does his best to stay on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you all so much for the people who have waited months for this chapter. I was going to discontinue the fic, but decided a re-write would be better. I want to let you know first, nothing much has changed; if at all. I feel it just reads a lot better now and other things make more sense. Anyway, here you are. Enjoy!

Eren sat on his chair, staring into Armin’s eyes, “Then tell me, tell me why I have to stay away from him,” he said, eyebrows creasing in confusion.

 

Armin stayed in his position, now avoiding Eren’s gaze. He wasn’t ready to tell Eren and he certainly hadn’t wanted it to have been like this. “Well, you see,” he began, playing with his fingers, “the things is well…”

 

“Will you just spit it out already. I need a reason!” Eren’s anger had started to surface, all he wanted was a reason as to why Armin wanted him to stop speaking to Levi. He rarely got angry with Armin, he knew he was a smart guy and he usually didn’t make mistakes, but the way he was avoiding the question was doing more than pissing him off. Especially after he’d just told him he liked Levi.

 

“I can’t Eren, this is difficult for me okay?!” Armin began to shout back, his voice not as angry as Eren’s, still rising an octave. It was odd for Armin to get angry, usually he was always calm and collected.

 

“Spit it out or fucking leave. Why is this so hard? You’re so hell bent on me not being around Levi, I want a damn reason for it and it better be a good one! I just told you I like him and now you’re saying to stay away from him? What the fuck Armin!”

 

Eren hadn’t realised how angry he was that Armin was telling him not to do something, it only made the man want to do it even more. He also hated that he was the one being demanded to obey someone else’s rules, it only reminded him of the pain he’d endured before. Just as he was about to stand up and walk away. Armin looked at him, eyes glazed over with tears.

 

“I fucking love you! I’m in love you, that’s why I want you to stay away from Levi. I don’t want to lose you to someone like him.” Armin burst into tears, his bottom lip twitching as he let the water flow freely from his eyes. Eren could only look at him in horror. But it all made sense now, why Armin had been so desperate for them to spend time together again.

 

The way he’d grunted as Eren hadn’t followed him when he went back into the strip club...Why he’d invited him to the strip club in the first place. It didn’t make sense though, Eren had never shown any interest in the blond, so he was further confused as to why Armin felt this way.

 

“I-I don’t understand…” Eren spoke.

 

“I don’t need you to understand. Eren I’ve loved you for a long time, I just don’t want you getting caught up in the mess that seems to be Levi.”

 

“Armin, I mean…” Eren avoided his gaze, “I love you...but, not like that. I love you like a brother. I couldn’t see you as anything else.” Eren let the words fall from his mouth, knowing there was no easy way to let Armin down. He needed some time alone, time to think about everything that had happened recently.

 

“Oh, oh… W-well…” Armin stuttered his words out, unsure of what to say. “I ju-I guess, I uhh.” Words were failing him.

 

The pair sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, neither of them daring to speak. Armin’s words hung thick in the air, Eren not wanting to acknowledge them or say anything more that might hurt his friend’s feelings further. He hated the way Armin wanted to keep Eren away from Levi for nothing more than selfish reasons, it was so unlike him. It bothered the brunet.

 

“I’m going to go now. I… I guess. I’ll uhh see you around?” Armin questioned, but didn’t wait for an answer before leaving Eren’s apartment.

 

Once the door closed, Eren let out a sigh he didn’t know he was keeping in. He felt sick from Armin’s confession, not because he was repulsed by him, more from the surprise of it. Armin had never been one to show any type of affection to anyone, he must be mistaken if he thought he was in love with Eren. That was the only explanation Eren could come up with.

 

Moving from his sitting position, he felt like he needed to get out of the four walls surrounding him. They were now suffocating him, now his only company was gone it was if they were forcing him to think. That was the last thing he wanted to do, he was tired of thinking. He wanted his mind to rest.

 

Knowing he wouldn’t be able to do that in his surroundings, he threw on some baggy cotton trousers and an oversized t-shirt and headed out for a run. Running had always helped him clear his mind, he just hoped he wouldn’t see Armin out. He wasn’t avoiding him, but he didn’t want to see him until he knew exactly what he wanted to say and _how_ to say it.

 

Leaving the house, he debated on whether he should bring his phone with him. Grabbing it before he had a chance to fully go through the pro’s and con’s he put in his headphones and headed out on his run.

 

It was still afternoon; the sun was still out and it felt warm on the back of his neck. Running down his hall and out of the building. He picked up his speed and started with a full out run rather than jogging, he had too much pent-up energy to start out with a simple jog. Flying past all the shops and talking people.

 

It made him realise he wanted away from this all, away from the people and the noises. Away from everyone and everything, he just wanted peace. He was so tired of everything, he’d always had a busy life, he hadn’t realised before just how much he truly hated it.

 

Before he knew it, he was running towards one of his father’s buildings, getting strange looks as he wiped the sweat from his brow as he walked through the doors. Whenever he dressed like this and headed to one of the stores, it always gained him strange looks and judgement.

 

That was, until he straightened himself out. Then suddenly he’d be swamped in people, more often than not asking dumb questions about his life now that his father had passed. He never asked for this, he didn’t want to be in charge of hundreds of shops.

 

That’s what he was here for now, he wanted this all to end. He opened one of the doors that said ‘staff only’ and headed up to the top of the building, where the offices were held. Once he reached the top, after much panting and wheezing.

 

He opened the doors and of course he was instantly met with security. “How the hell did you get up here?” A large man asked him, yanking on his shirt roughly.

 

“It’s me, Eren. Get your hands off of me.” He spat at the security guard.

 

“Maybe if you weren’t dressed like you were homeless I wouldn’t have to manhandle you.” The security man spoke, voice rough, daring.

 

“Don’t fucking push me.” Eren forced his way past the man, heading into the back office. The office his dad previously lived in, since he was more invested in his shops and making money than spending quality time with his family.

 

He pushed his way past a few more people, and headed through the large doors. Once inside he made sure he closed all the blinds, so any wandering eyes wouldn’t be able to see him. He was now the ‘official’ owner of this company. It pissed him off when people had tried to stop him, he owned them.

 

Well… not for long. He sat at his father's desk, logging in to his computer with the passwords he had been given from the lawyers. He hadn’t come here since he was first given this password, not needing to know anything that was going on. Everyone else here seemed to have a good understanding of what they needed to do.

 

The only details he ever had to give was his banks if they were going to any meetings and negotiations. Eren had absolutely no interest in keeping his father’s company. What he was interested in now, was finding out exactly how he was going to sell it all to another company. So someone else with much more experience could deal with it all. He didn’t want the business to fail after all.

 

He remembered Mikasa had brought up a few names in passing when she spoke about fashion. _‘It should be her here and not you.’_ If only he could remember them now, he’d be able to sort out this mess he’d found himself in. It was something he wanted to do for her.

 

If he stayed with the company, he knew he’d burn it to the ground. If he done that he’d be destroying Mikasa’s dreams too and that was something he couldn’t allow himself to do. If she hadn’t been so passionate about everything it would’ve been much easier to sort out the shit was in.

 

Clicking on a few folders, he found nothing interesting. That was until he opened up one named Mika, he hadn’t noticed this folder previously and so he dimmed the lights slightly and got to researching.

 

After an hour or so of looking through the folder and everything in it, he found himself just as lost as he was previously. He took out his phone and dialled the number he’d saved ‘in case of emergencies.’

 

They picked up on the first ring. “Eren Jaeger, I was wondering when you’d call me.”

 

“Hi, Eld. I need your help, I’m ready to sell the business. BUT, as agreed previously, I want us to change the name. The name is has currently is cursed, no one is going to purchase goods with Jaeger in the name.”

 

“I can do that, if it’s what you want.”

 

“It’s not about what I want, it’s about what Mikasa would want.”

 

“I understand Eren. Leave it in my hands. In the meantime, get out of the country for a while. Clear your head, when you come back I’ll need you at your best to sell the business.”

 

“Understood, thank you.”

 

With a click, he ended the call and began searching for holiday destinations. Eld was right, he needed to get away for a week or so. Somewhere where no one knew who he was or what he was doing. He was growing annoyed with the stares he received regardless of where he went.

 

Running through a few websites, he clicked on a sunny destination. Somewhere he could lounge around for a few days. All inclusive, leaving in a few days. It seemed perfect…

 

\---

 

Levi arrived back home later in the evening than originally planned, as soon as Isabel pulled up Erwin was out of the door. This time he wasn’t shouting and screaming, instead he jogged towards the car to lend them a hand in getting Levi’s bag back in the house.

 

“Will you be staying for tea Isabel?” Erwin asked, as she was still in the vehicle.

 

“No, I need to head away. Just want to get home and sleep off this damn hangover” She replied, setting her floor back down on the acceleration, revving the car to show Erwin she wasn’t interested in sitting around.

 

Once Levi had got everything he said his goodbyes to Isabel, “I’m just on the other end of the phone, call me if you need anything okay?” She asked, embracing Levi again in another tight hug awkwardly hanging out of the car window.

 

“I promise.” Levi whispered into her ear, nervous that Erwin would hear them. He let her go and Erwin and Levi stood at the door watching as she drove away. Levi turned into the house, and went straight to his room. Desperate to text Eren and finally continue where they had left off before.

 

He felt like he’d made so much progress with the brunet, happy that some of his questions were being answered by him. He pulled out his phone and began to text him. After an hour or so Levi threw his phone at his door, anger pulsing through him.

 

“I knew it, I fucking knew it!” He shouted not caring that Erwin might hear him. He was full of anger and frustration, after everything they’d been through this morning. He couldn’t understand why Eren would be so horrible to him, telling him he was only an outlet.

 

Just as he was about to throw another punch at the wall, Erwin walked through the door. His expression oddly calm, the blond made his way to Levi’s bed and sat on it. Letting his elbows sit on his knees, and he cupped his face in his hands.

 

“Do you want to tell me what all the noise is about?” Erwin asked, keeping his voice low and calm.

 

“This fucking Eren kid, being a shit. An absolute piece of shit! That’s why I’m making _‘so much noise’_!” Levi shouted at Erwin, he needed someone to direct his anger at and Erwin seemed like a good target.

 

Still staying in his seating position, not moving an inch. “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather we hit the gym?”

 

Levi looked around in surprise, he couldn’t understand why Erwin wasn’t shouting at him. Why he wasn't telling him to calm down. Instead he just sat there, waiting patiently for an answer. Levi stopped pacing his room, “You’d go to the gym now?” He asked, something sounding good about beating the shit out of a string filled bag.

 

“If you want, yes.”

 

“Let’s go.”

 

They made it to gym within a few minutes, neither of them really speaking to each other. Erwin was giving Levi some space, to which Levi was grateful for. Something had changed in Erwin in the last few days, he had no idea what it was, but he was glad. He was no longer being suffocated by the man. He hadn’t been forced to eat, Erwin hadn’t even checked his wrists when the pair were changing.

 

“I’ll get you back here in an hour?” Erwin asked at the door to the gym. When Levi nodded, he headed off in his own direction. Usually he would force Levi to stay with him, both of them having to do the same workouts. Which always frustrated Levi considering their size difference, what Erwin could do Levi couldn’t and vice versa.

 

Levi headed straight to the punching bags in the corner, he always loved this area in the gym. Everywhere else had mirrors so he always had to look at himself, in this corner there was nothing but him and a couple of bags. He made sure his hands were wrapped properly before starting. It didn’t take him long to work up a sweat, one he appreciated. Punching and kicking the bag was helping him get out his frustrations, ducking occasionally as the bag swung towards him.

 

After half an hour or so he decided he felt calm enough to go somewhere else, debating whether to stay in the gym or go for a relaxing swim, to help him cool down. As he walked passed the mirrors he looked at his reflection, his face flushed red and hair sticking to his face. He didn’t stare for too long, what he did notice was that he had taken off his jacket and his scars were now on show, but he didn’t care. Not right now.

 

Making his way down the stairs and heading towards the changing room he caught sight of Erwin, he was stood at the bottom of the stairs on his phone. The way he was acting was suspicious, Levi found himself ducking out of his view so he could overhear the conversation.

 

“...Yeah, you’re right. He’s doing well tonight, I’m proud of him… No, I didn’t pry when I saw him. He was angry, incredibly angry. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that before.” Erwin paused, listening to what the person on the phone was saying, pacing slightly now, “No, I’m not worried. We’ll be heading home soon, I’ll keep you updated. Uh-huh, miss you too.”

 

With that Erwin hung up and was now walking up the stairs, Levi panicked a little but tried to act casual. He began to walk down the stairs and met Erwin halfway, “Oh, hey!” He tried to say nonchalantly.

 

“H-Hey.” Erwin replied.

 

The pair stopped in the middle of the stairs for a moment, “You had enough?” The blond questioned, eyebrows creased looking at the sweat dripping from Levi’s forehead, “We can head off early if you want?”

 

“I’m just going to go for a quick dip, I shouldn’t be too long.” Levi subconsciously wiped the sweat from his brown, then started walking away from Erwin, “I’ll get you back here in half an hour?” He questioned.

 

“Sure.”

 

Levi jogged the rest of the way to the changing rooms, getting into his swimming trunks within seconds and making his way to the pool. Usually he’d get in as quickly as possible, desperate to hide himself from everyone. When his self-hatred had gotten too bad, he’d take a towel with him and not take it off until he was right at the edge of the pool. This time, he just walked in with his head held high.

 

Oddly enough, not a single person looked at him when he entered, nor when he dove into the pool. The feeling was foreign to him, he had always felt eyes on him, judging him and staring as he went about his business. Not this time, he looked at the people in the pool and they were all in their separate groups laughing and joking with each other.

 

The raven done a few lengths of the pool, ducking in and out of the water, trying his best to keep the water from hitting his face; he hated that. He forced himself a few times to put his face under the water. He felt calm, usually when he went to swim he wouldn’t last long before he freaked out and had to leave the pool. This time, he was still angry at Eren at how he’d treated him.

 

Jumping out of the pool, he quickly showered and went to change. Meeting Erwin at the front of the gym, smelling a lost fresher now than he had before. The pair grabbed some food and headed back home.

 

As they got back into the house, Erwin grabbed some plates and invited Levi to sit with him. Pouring the pair of them a drink of wine. “Don’t look at me like that!” He whined at Levi, the raven was staring at him, confusion set upon his face. “You can have a drink with me. Besides… I want to celebrate.”

 

“Celebrate what?”

 

“I had a good weekend away from you, it forced me to put some things into perspective. You’re not going to get any better if I’m always here. You need your freedom, just like everyone else in the world and I need to trust you. After the past few days and more importantly, tonight. Levi, you didn’t hide from me tonight, I’m proud of you.” Erwin smiled at Levi, it was a gentle smile.

 

“I-uhhh- well… Thanks?” Levi played with his still wet hair, unsure of how he should reply to Erwin. He felt proud of himself tonight, after everything he went through and how angry he had felt before. He didn’t want to take it out on himself, he’d found a way to get out his frustrations in a healthier way and the thought did make him feel good about himself. A feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time.

 

It made him want to do better, to let his scars heal, until they were nothing more than small silver lines on his skin. He wanted to go to the gym and swim and not be scared of the water, wanted to experience the world now. It had so much to offer him, he just hadn’t seen it before, he was blind.

 

The other thing he wanted to do, was to see Eren again. He felt as though he should leave it for a while, Eren obviously had some things going on in his life right now and Levi didn’t want to push the brunet. He knew the feeling of wanting to be alone.

 

The pair sat together and ate their food, making idle chat and smiling and laughing with each other. After a few hours of gaming with Erwin, Levi headed to his bed. Tired, and feeling more peaceful than he had earlier on.

 

\--

 

Three weeks had passed since he’d last texted Eren. He still thought about it often, looking at the messages they shared. He was desperate to make new ones, to make new memories with him, or to cut off all contact with the beautiful brunet and get over him.

 

He didn’t want the latter, he wanted more he would probably always want more. But, he had to do what was best for the both of them. He was going to give Eren another week and if he hadn’t replied by then, then he was going to take it on himself to make an effort to speak to him. Looking back at the messages he knew they were both wrong. Both of them lashing out.

 

Levi had missed the feeling of Eren on his skin, even though he’d only felt it once before. He was hooked, always wanting more. He thought it might have just been the physical touch of someone else, but he had been to the pub multiple times with Erwin and had tried flirting with both the men and women there, none of them giving the same feeling Eren had.

 

He’d been applying for jobs for the past two weeks, Erwin helping him sort out his CV and cover letters for companies. He had a few interviews lined up, the thought made him worry but also excited for the potential of a new job. He needed to get out of the house, although now he didn’t feel like a prisoner, he was able to go out when he pleased. Erwin was being very accommodating of him and allowing him to do whatever he liked, within reason.

 

Things were finally starting to look up for Levi, he even felt like they were himself. Happy he was now finally getting his freedom, he’d been going to the gym every other night and had the same routine. He enjoyed routine, he felt it kept him grounded. He knew where he was going and why.

 

He was now seeing Mike only once a week, his letters to his mother weren’t as detailed as they once were. Instead he only spoke about things that were relevant. He started to feel...okay. Not happy, definitely not happy, but he was living and not hating it. It was an odd feeling, but something he hoped he would get used to.

 

The last thing that made him happy was that he hadn’t self-harmed since before going away with Isabel, it was a big moment for him. It had been the longest period of time he’d ever managed and he was happy with it. Satisfied with his progress and hopeful he would continue to be in recovery.

Just as he was about to leave the house and go for a run, his phone buzzed. Feeling nervous, wondering if it was an email from a job application he picked up his phone and looked at the lit-up screen.

 

**New message from Eren.**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that, it's not the best chapter in the world but it helped me dive into the fic again. I have a much better idea of where things are going now and how we are going to progress. As always, thanks so much for reading and if you liked it be sure to click the kudos button and drop me a comment; they always help so much! <3 <3


	16. Just another coffee store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren texts Levi again, this time he isn't as keen to look at his phone. Trying his best to avoid Eren's message he distracts himself with a run into town.

Levi’s first instinct after the last few weeks was to throw the phone against his wall in a fit of anger. Eren hadn’t bothered to say anything to him up until this point, so why would he bother now? He felt his anger implode inside of himself, he was angry that Eren would even bother to text him after all this time. What could he need from Levi now? He’d had enough of the raven’s attention, although Levi couldn’t deny that he still had feelings for Eren.

No matter how much he had tried to push them from the front of his mind and think about someone else, some _ thing _ else. Anything would suffice, he felt his thoughts going back to the morning after the strip club. They had been so comfortable, sat in close proximity, hugging. It felt like he hadn’t needed or wanted anything else in that moment.

It was a good thing he was going to see Mike later on in the week. He swiped the notification away from his phone so it wouldn’t distract him. Then headed towards the living room of Erwin's house. He still didn’t feel like he could call it his own, knowing he never would. He had come to accept that, but there was hope inside of himself that one day he would have a place that he could call his own.

When in the living room he saw Erwin sat on the couch, texting on his phone again. Something he had been doing more often that not, although, Erwin had always been busy. He’d never had a stupid smile plastered on to his face during his texts. Whoever was texting his blond friend, It made him relieved to see Erwin finally living his own life as well. He had never wanted to take that away from his friend.

“Hey, I’m heading out for a run, you need anything while I’m out?” He called to the blond.

“No. When you come back I could make myself free for a game if you want?” Erwin asked, looking up from his phone and offering Levi a gentle smile.

Levi let himself smile back, “Yeah, that’d be great!”

He headed towards the door, closing it and locking it on his way out. He started his exercise with a brisk walk. Heading nowhere in particular he wanted to get out the house to clear his head for a little while. To try and get his thoughts in order, it seemed odd that he had been thinking about the brunet again. He wanted to forget about him and everything to do with him. Yet, no matter how hard he couldn’t get Eren out of his head. 

Levi began to jog, trying to escape from his own thoughts more than anything.  His thoughts weren’t going to the first bad thing he could think of; instead he was exploring all options in his head. Would he be texting to apologize, to shout some more at him. Because he wanted something, because he’d heard something about the raven? Whatever it was Levi knew in all honesty that he wouldn’t be able to escape it unless he looked at the message.

He’d do it in a few days and until then, he’d have to hope he could keep his thoughts under control. He needed some advice before he could take on this much. Yes, his recovery was going well but what if this was something that would push him over the edge. Knowing it would be for the best, he felt his mind clear at his final decision. Knowing as hard as it was that he would now stick to it.

For one thing, he was now very stubborn. He had to be, to try and get over his addiction. Sometimes it was rewarding and others it was nothing but frustrating. That’s how he’d come so far in his recovery and he wasn’t going to stop because of some teal eyed beauty. He’d come too far…

Making his way into the small town that Erwin stayed near, he went into a few of the shops.  After he’d left a few of the stores he stepped into a cafe. ‘The Scouting Cafe’ the sign read outside, deciding he deserved a break he headed into the shop.

On his arrival he smelt the strong coffee and fresh baking. It smelt lovely in this little store. Much to his surprise he found himself walking up to the counter ready to order. Glad that he always had some money stored in his phone case. Looking at the black chalkboard at the back of the barista there, he opted for a peppermint tea.

“Hi, how can I help you?” A tall ebony haired man asked, freckles splattered over his face and his mouth set into a friendly grin.

“I’ll take a peppermint tea.” Levi spoke, counting the change in his hand. Hoping he’d have enough.

“Is it to take out or sit in, Sir?”

“Sit in.” Levi spoke the words before he even registered what he was saying. Usually he’d always take away for his anxiety would be sure to get the better of him. Feeling like this was another step in the right direction, he didn’t change his mind.

“No problem, any food for you?”

“No.”

The freckled boy rang up the tea and Levi felt a relief wash over him as he did have enough money.

“If you’d like to take a seat, another member of staff will bring over your tea shortly.”

Levi made his way over to an empty, clean table and sat down. Instinctively he brought out his phone and pondered once again over the message. The notification sign still on his messages app. He ignored it, and put his phone back in his pocket knowing he wouldn’t be able to resist.

He took in his surroundings, calm classical music was playing in the background. It was peaceful, no voices in the music to annoy him. He’d always preferred the sound of a piano over anything else in music, it was always soothing to him. No doubt to do with his mother playing her music whilst he slept.

The cafe had an interesting atmosphere, there were no annoying children to around. Watching as the baristas were quick to tidy up the tables. Both of them wishing the customers a happy goodbye as they left the cafe. The whole atmosphere felt a lot more welcoming and friendly than the other stores he'd been to. It made for a nice change.

The tables and chairs were wooden, occasional scraping against the rich mahogany floor. The bar was clean and tidy, no crumbs left on the counter from other customers cakes and biscuits. There was a bookshelf full of books, all neat and tidy. Levi felt himself becoming to like this place, he wondered why he’d never seen it before. Then again, he was never in town much, always staying in the house and trying to keep himself to himself.

“Hello Sir, here’s your peppermint tea. I hope you enjoy it!” A tall, muscled blond spoke to him. He looked a lot more intense than the other darker haired man. But still offered Levi a smile, to which he found himself returning it.

“Thank you.”

He took his cup of tea and blew on the water, desperate to have a taste. Levi had always enjoyed a good cup of tea, but he had usually kept to a plain black tea not wanting to ruin the taste. He took a deep breath letting the smell clear his nostrils, it was fresh and reminded him a little of Christmas, that was fast approaching.

Taking a sip of the tea, surprised with the initial taste was fresh. It felt strange when he gulped it down, feeling the water go down his throat he felt it was soothing. He closed his eyes and hummed at the feeling. Leaving his seat to look at some of the books on the wooden case. Flicking through a few of them not finding anything interesting.

It was then he noticed that there was another area of the shop. Filled from head to toe in books, all them in almost perfect condition. He felt himself smiling at the view, it was such a comfortable area. He grabbed a book, nothing in particular and sat back down at his table to finish his tea. Rather than looking at his phone, he found himself getting lost in this book of fairy tales. It was a book he would never usually pick up. Although, he found himself enchanted by it's short stories. Once he had finished another short story he placed it back on the shelf where he'd found it.

“Thank you, have a nice day!!” The two members of staff called after him as he made his way out of the store. Once he left he started to run. He had felt happy at the distraction the cafe had given him. Levi knew he'd be back here, wanting to bring Erwin down once he had a job and could pay for the drinks himself. 

Entering Erwin’s house he called out, “Hey, it's me!” Taking off his light jacket and placing it straight into the washing machine as he’d worked up a sweat whilst out.

“Hey, I’m sorting some things out, shouldn’t be too long.” Erwin shouted from down the hall.

It had sounded like the voice came from the blond’s bedroom, Levi made his way down the hall. Wanting to tell him all about the small cafe he’d found in town. He was going to invite him out to it soon, so they could both enjoy a warm cup of tea. But once he’d reached the door he heard not one voice, but two.

“I wasn’t expecting him home so soon, usually when he goes out he’s away for a few hours.” He could hear Erwin’s voice, panic rising in his voice.

Deciding to respect his privacy as he knew that would be what he wanted. Levi continued down the hall into his own room, opting for a long hot shower instead.

Once he’d finished his shower he left the room, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and putting them on. Leaving his phone on his bed and wanting some company for a change. When he walked into the living room and sat himself down on the couch.

Erwin glanced over at him, “Everything okay with you?” He asked nonchalantly, still staring at the television.

“Yeah, I guess.” Levi replied, looking down at his hands, desperately trying to spit the words out of his mouth. He wanted advice, he wanted someone to tell him what to do. He’d never experienced these kinds of feeling before. “I, uhh, I need some advice.”

The Blond perked up at the words, his lips upturning ever so slightly before they went back to their natural position, “Okay, shoot.”

“I have this...friend?” Levi questioned, not sure as to whether he could really consider himself as Eren’s friend, but continued when Erwin didn’t answer him. “I have this friend. I really liked spending time with him and I think we enjoyed each other’s company and we had a small argument. I’ve not spoken to him since then. He’s sent me a message after three weeks and now I don’t know what to do…” The raven huffed. Annoyed that he was admitting he didn’t how to deal with the situation.

He also didn’t want to have to explain everything to Erwin. It seemed luck was on his side today.

“What did the last message say?” The blond was straight to the point, no beating around the bush.

“I’ve not read it yet…”

“I think you should read it. But first, what makes you want to be friends with this person?” Erwin had stopped watching the TV and had turned himself so he was now facing Levi. Giving him his undivided attention.

“He’s nice and friendly and he’s the first person I’ve met who hasn’t pitied me instantly. I’m so tired of people looking at me like I’m a mess. He just, he didn’t. I just want to speak to him again.”

“Then speak to him again, Levi you’ll never know ‘what could have been’”, Erwin raised both his index finger and middle fingers at the phrase and motioned, “if you don’t bother to take a risk. Go look at the message, I’m here if you need me or want to talk more.” 

Levi stared at him for a while, more in shock than anything else. It seemed, for once, he wasn’t trying to protect Levi from everything in the world. Instead pushing him out into the world, it was...Nice.

“Thanks, I might see you in five.” Levi let out a small huff, something that was supposed to represent a laugh. Making his way back down to his room, he sat down on the bed and brought his knees up to his face. Picking up his phone from the side table and unlocking the screen.

Feeling his heart race at the action he calmed his breathing, taking a deep breath in. Then out. He closed his eyes once before opening the message app on his desktop.

**Eren**

_ Hi, I know its been a while. _

_ Sorry I haven’t been in touch sooner. I wanted to say sorry to your face, but i couldn’t find you. I know I wasnt being great before, but neither were you. Levi, you need to see yourself as a person and not an object. You’re somebody and you deserve to be happy and enjoy things in life. I hate seeing you the way you are, I still think its a little pathetic. But I was wrong to lash out at you. I’m sorry. _

_ Sorry I couldn’t do this in person either. _

_ Eren Jaeger (The one from the hospital, the night at the stripclub, the morning after and then for coffee...in case you forgot.) _

Levi could feel a smile work it’s way up his face, almost hurting his cheeks. He let out a relieved laugh at the message, finding it adorable the way Eren signed off the message. He felt his heart racing again but this time it was for nothing but good reasons. Feeling slightly guilty that he hadn’t replied earlier. He began texting back as quickly as his fingers would let him.

**Levi**

_ Hi Eren. I have not forgot. I’d like to apologise too, we were both out of order in our outburst. Thank you for your text. I appreciate it. _

_ Levi _

He sent the message without double checking it, Levi didn’t want to come up with excuses. Erwin was right...again. It was starting to piss him off the more he gave advice, the better the giant seemed to get better at it.

Still staring at his phone, he flicked through a few of his apps. Satisfied with his reply and especially how things had seemed to come to a natural end. It gave him closure, something he had never experienced before with Eren.

Although the thought made him slightly sad. He felt if they had never spoken again after this, it would still be enough. Enough for him to almost feel happy at the end of everything.

Levi jumped a little when his phone vibrated in his hand again, thankful he always kept it on silent. If he hadn’t he probably would’ve thrown it in the air from shock of the sound. Once again, Eren’s name displayed itself on his mobile, right at the top. Begging for attention, the notification not going away until he clicked on it.

**Eren**

_ Im so happy you said sorry too. Or else I would be so pissed :’) I’m guessing you don’t want to meet then…? _

Levi hadn’t even realised Eren was being subtle about asking to see him again, he thought this was the end of it all. He felt himself perk up at the idea of actually getting to spend time with Eren again after all this time. He hoped that the man hadn’t changed, well, not much anyway. He would never admit it, but Levi had always liked Eren’s honesty and brashness.

**Levi**

_ I’d love to meet again. I went to a small book/cafe store today. We could meet there if you’d like? _

Levi desperately tried to keep his giddiness from showing. He didn’t want to scare Eren off again with his eagerness.

**Eren**

_ Where? I’m free tomorrow. _

**Levi**

_ There’s a place called The Scouting Cafe it’s on the high street. I could meet you there at 11am? _

**Eren**

_ Okay, but where? I couldnt find u remember! _

**Levi**

_ Sorry I’m in a small town called Dauper, north of the city. You should be able to find it on google. _

**Eren**

_ I’ll be there. _

Levi didn’t reply after Eren’s text. Instead he went through to the living room. Trying to hide the stupid grin on his face. Erwin noticed instantly, looking away from his phone and giving Levi a look.

“Well, with that smile. I’d say it’s gone well?” He asked.

“You could say that, yes,” Levi could no longer hide the smile. It was covering his face, he didn’t like smiling, but it seemed Eren would always make the scowl on his face disappear. “I’m going to meet him for tea tomorrow.”

“Do you need a lift into town?” Erwin asked.

“No I’d rather walk. Thanks though.” Levi looked down at the ground. “For everything.” 

“Want to play something?” 

“Yeah, put on ‘dying light’.”

The pair played until the early hours of the morning, progressing more in the story and laughing with each other. Levi felt himself completely relaxed in the environment. Eventually they called it a night and both went to bed. Levi being able to fall asleep peacefully, no dreams disturbed him. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these chapters are poor, sorry guys! I promise it'll get better soon. Eren and Levi's relationship will be developing ;)


	17. A date?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi meets Eren in town, the pair having coffee at the same place Levi had went before. Although, Eren's acting strangely.

Excitement was running through Levi’s veins, pumping him full of adrenaline. Something he was used to, but not like this. He felt himself becoming giddy again, all because he was going to be seeing Eren today. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed the brunet until their conversation the day prior.

As he was dressing he ensured he went for something more casual. He wanted to impress, but didn’t want to seem like he was trying to hard. Levi settled on a pair of his slim fit jeans and a casual t-shirt. After getting dressed he made his way into the living room, sitting uncomfortably on the couch. 

“What time are you getting your friend?” Erwin asked, while prepping some fruit for their breakfast.

“11am, I’m nervous.” Levi pulled his feet up onto the couch, trying his best to keep his heart rate down.

“You shouldn’t be. How long have you been wanting to speak to this person? I can see it in you, you’re excited.” The blond laughed.

“I know. I am excited. But what if I fuck it up?”

“You won’t know until you do. It’s better than sitting here doing nothing about it. You'd always wonder what would happen if you went out that day.”

“You’re right. I hate it when you're right. But you are.” Levi said.

He moved from the couch and started helping Erwin by cutting some strawberries in their open kitchen. Ensuring to wash them first, he cut through each of them with precision. He’d found himself calming down now he had something to do. After they’d prepared their fruit, Erwin made himself a smoothie and Levi kept to his cut fruit. He poured a little yogurt over them for a proper meal. 

The pair sat in a comfortable silence, enjoying their food. In their silence Levi let his mind wander back to the other night. There had been someone in Erwin's room, there was doubting that. What’s more, is that it seemed Erwin wanted to hide that person away from Levi. He was slightly hurt by Erwin’s actions. 

“You had someone here.” Levi spoke aloud, letting his thoughts become known.

Erwin looked up from his glass, looking guilty. “Yes. I did.” He swallowed a mouthful of his drink. “I… I didn’t expect you to be home so early.”

“You don’t have to look guilty. Erwin, I want to get out of here. Out of your hair and let you have some privacy. The fact you have to hide someone away from me, makes me feel sick.”

“What do you need?” Erwin asked.

The question surprised Levi. Erwin had become this supportive role model to him. Never failing to help him when he was down. He’d become more of a ‘father’ figure to him now. Although it saddened him , because what he really needed was a friend.

“I need a job. I’ve applied for a few but heard nothing back.”

“Then call them, find out if they got your application. You wont get anywhere if you don’t follow up on things.”

Levi pondered Erwin’s words, then decided he’d make a note of each employer. He’d call them after a week to find out if they’d got his application. He was so desperate to find somewhere else to live, that he would take any job that was going.

“I will, thank you.”

\---

Levi was making his way into town, taking his time. He hadn’t wanted to arrive too early, but he’d left with plenty of time. He’d debated walking around town before going to his destination. Although he decided he’d rather be sitting comfortably when Eren arrived. It would stop him from panicking so much. 

As he walked into the small coffee shop he was greeted once again by bright smiles. The familiar smell enveloped him and once again he opted for a peppermint tea. After paying for his drink, he sat down in the same seat he had the day before.

Once he’d taken his seat, Levi found himself looking around again. The smell of coffee making him feel more awake than he had an hour before. The wooden tables had just been cleaned and it seemed he had also missed the morning rush.

The same waiter from yesterday brought his drink to him, “Nice to see you again, Sir.” He smiled at the man. A moment later, he heard the doorbell they had by the door ‘ping’.

Levi looked up immediately and his heart skipped a beat. There he was, in the flesh. After so long, Levi wasn’t sure whether he should stay seated or stand up to greet the man. He looked different from before. Instead of looking like he was hiding from the world, it seemed he was now living in it.

Eren’s hair had grown, now sitting neatly at his shoulders, his fringe the same as before. He was wearing a similar outfit to Levi, jeans and a t-shirt. He had what looked like a piercing, but Levi couldn’t tell from this far away. Just as Levi was about to wave, Eren had seen him.

As Eren was walking towards Levi, he felt himself becoming more nervous. Not sure where to look, before he knew it Eren was stood in front of him, his hand extended. Levi shook it, knowing he was sweating and suddenly felt sick.

“Levi, it’s been a while.” Eren smiled and Levi felt himself relaxing to the sound of Eren’s voice. 

“Hi.” Levi said, not able to take his eyes off of Eren. He couldn’t quite believe that Eren was stood in front of him now. By choice.

“I’ll order, would you like anything else?” He asked, his smile not fading from his face.

“No, thank you.”

Levi watched as Eren walked towards the counter, ordering a black coffee. Within minutes he was sat across from Levi again. It was then, Levi could see how much Eren had changed since their last meeting. He had a piercing now, on the left side of his lip. A silver ring, which he seemed to be playing with a lot. 

They stared at each other, Levi ensuring he was looking at Eren’s nose or piercing. He could still see the scar, but he knew to avoid looking at it. Eren almost looked like he’d aged since he’d last seen him. Levi had guessed it was due to the stress he’d endured. 

“Are we going to talk, or just stare at each other?” Eren asked, a smirk appearing on his face.

“Ehh, we can talk.” Levi said. Refusing to look away.

“I’m not complaining, I like the view.”

Levi blushed. He knew he was blushing, the more he thought of it...the more he blushed.

“Ahhh, thanks?”

“By the looks of it, you’re enjoying it too.” Eren flirted with Levi. Twirling his lip ring with his tongue. A grin still set on his face.

“It’s not bad.”

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes. Both of them watching each other intently. Levi still felt his heart elevate each time Eren took a breath. Although in the back of his mind he kept his walls up.

As much as he had wanted to reach across the table and hold onto Eren’s hand, he stopped himself. Eren was different this time around, he seemed to be flirting with him. Not that he minded. Levi felt like Eren wasn’t truly showing himself, that he was also hiding behind a wall. The thought irritated him, he was sick of meeting people who wanted to play these  _ games _ with him. 

“Why are you flirting with me?” Levi asked, wanting to get straight to the point.

Eren looked away, his face dropping. Levi was about to get up and walk out. He was fighting his own mind. He wasn’t sure if Eren’s intentions right now were pure. He definitely didn’t want to be some sort of ‘rebound’ to Eren, which is exactly how he was feeling in the moment.

“I… I thought you liked me?” Eren questioned.

“I do, I just don’t like where this is going. I want to be friends with you Eren. I don’t want to be some sort of rebound. I can’t think of any other reason as to why you’d be acting so strangely around me.”

“You’re not a rebound Levi, I thought this is what you wanted?” Eren questioned.

“Well, you thought wrong.”

Levi stood up, shaking his head at Eren. Feeling his excitement from earlier completely leave his body, now his heart was racing in anger. His palms began to sweat and he felt sick, as he was about to move he felt a firm grip on his wrist.

Eren’s warm hand was wrapped around his wrist, firm, but not so much that he wouldn’t be able to move if he wanted to. Levi looked down at Eren. The brunet’s face was full of terror, there was something wrong with him. Levi knew that look, it was pleading and desperate. Levi still hadn’t moved and instead let Eren hold his wrist for a little longer.

“Tell me.” Levi said, sitting back down. His moved his hand so his palm was facing upwards, allowing Eren to hold onto it if he so needed.

“Not here, please.” Eren spoke quietly, but let his hand wrap around Levi’s open one.

They both sat and finished their hot drinks. Making small, awkward talk. Eren no longer looking Levi in the eyes, instead he was consistently looking away. Finding anything to look at but the raven. Levi felt hurt by it, but he knew there must be something wrong. He was wanting to know what, exactly. Although he hadn’t really, ever, been close to Eren, he could tell a broken person more than anyone else could.

“Where do you want to go?” Levi finally asked.

“Somewhere quiet?”

“We could, uhm, I live with my friend, but I’m sure we could get some privacy in my room. If that would be okay for you?” Levi suddenly felt nervous.

“Okay.” Eren spoke, he left a small tip and they both headed out of the cafe. Neither of them speaking, but Eren’s hand was still firmly attached to Levi’s. Through all his anxiety, there was some comfort of holding the brunets hand. 

“Let’s just get a taxi, I don’t think you’re in the mindset of walking.” Levi spoke, Eren only nodded at him.

Levi called for a taxi, and they both managed to get back to the ravens house within twenty minutes.

“Stay here, give me a couple of minutes. I want to make sure Erwin is alone.” Levi spoke. He had to squeeze Eren’s hand before he would let it go. The smaller man made his way into the house and called out to his friend.

“Erwin!”

He waited for a moment. When he couldn’t hear his friend, he pulled out his phone and called the blond. Not wanting to interrupt him, but needing him to know that he was home and that he wanted to be left alone for the time being. After a few rings, Levi could hear Erwin had left his phone on the kitchen counter.

“Fuck sake. Erwin! He shouted into the house, as loud as he could.

“Levi?” Erwin called from down the hallway.

“Yeah it’s me.”

“Jesus Levi, I’m taking a shit! Can’t you wait two minutes?!” Ewins voice was full of irritation.

“I have someone over, I’ll be in my room. Can I get privacy?” Levi asks, voice wavering. Annoyed that he had upset Erwin.

“Privacy? Yes, now leave me alone.”

Levi quickly walked away from the bathroom door, back to the front door to invite Eren in. Once he got outside, he didn’t immediately see Eren. His stomach dropped, wondering if Eren had left. he’d decided against spending time with Levi.

Calming himself down, he walked around the front. He saw Eren sat on a brick wall, playing with some flower. He was touching them so delicately, playing with the petals.

“Hey Eren. We can have some privacy if you want to come in?” Levi asked.

“Hmm, yeah of course. I love your garden, it’s beautiful.”

Levi had never paid much attention to Erwin’s garden before. Round the corner from the garages, Erwin had built a 3ft wall. Inside the brick wall was an arrangement of flowers, soil freshly turned and not a weed in sight. It really was beautiful.

“I never really noticed it before. I guess Erwin must look after it.”

Levi walked to where Eren was sitting and sat awkwardly beside him. Both of them sitting in silence admiring the view in front of them.

“So, we were going to talk right?” Eren broke their silence.

“Only if you want to.” Levi replied softly.

“Yeah. I think I need to talk to someone. Will we go inside?”

“Yeah, we can sit in my room.”

They walked towards the front door and entered. Levi took the lead, making his way to his room. Once the pair had entered, Eren immediately sat down on his bed...shoes still on.

“Make yourself comfortable, but can you take off your shoes?” Levi asked, trying to keep his frustrations from surfacing.

Eren stood back up, taking off his shoes and placed them by the door. Before sitting back on Levi’s bed, sitting himself on the right hand side.

The latter sat himself down on a chair, not wanting to cross any boundaries. “I think we need to talk about what happened in the café. Why are you trying to flirt with me?”

Levi was straight to the point. He’d had enough of Eren toying with his feelings. Whether Eren was aware of it or not.

“I thought you liked me.”

“You said that before… I’d rather not go into how I feel. My head is a fucking mess,  _ this  _ isn’t helping.” He motioned between himself and Eren.

“I sold the company.”

Levi stayed silent. Wanting Eren to continue, he knew he wouldn’t get another chance like this. He sat and nodded for the brunet to continue.

“It was for Mikasa. I never wanted it in the first place. I hated that company, I don’t care about fashion, I hate the attention. I’d rather be somewhere quiet, away from everything and every...one.”

“Tell me about Mikasa.” Levi prompted him, trying to get him to continue.

“She was smart, clever and had so much going for her. That’s why I’m so angry my father fucking killed her. Why not me? I’ve never had much going for me anyway. I’d be okay with dying If she’d survived. Mikasa was so passionate about the shops, about fashion. She went to every show, also spoke at events when she was invited. She could’ve taken it somewhere. I can’t.” Eren gave Levi a sad smile.

“She sounds like she was a nice person, caring. I think Isabel knew her.”

“Yeah Iz did, they were almost a couple… Mikasa really cared about me. I used to tell her to back off and leave me alone. She was clingy, needy. I guess she died hating me. We’d had an argument just before getting in the car.”

Eren broke his eye contact, looking at the floor. Levi could  _ almost  _ feel the shame coming from him. He knew all too well what it was like to lose someone you love. Seeing Eren like this physically hurt him.

“So what’s next for you?” Levi tried to keep the conversation going, but knew not to keep dwelling on the past. 

“I don’t know. I’ll still get some money from the company, so at least I’ll never be poor. I told them what I wanted and my solicitor is still involved with them. Just not me. I hated being around people like that.”

“So?” Levi prompted him again.

“I don’t know.” He let out an exhausted sigh, he looked back at Levi. Defeat clear in his eyes.

“Don’t give up. Don’t you  _ fucking  _ dare give up.” Levi felt his anger bubbling inside of him. A few months ago Eren was scolding Levi for being so down and pathetic. Yet here he was, a few months later acting just as Levi had.

“I just don’t know what to do. People won’t look at me anymore. I’m not the vision of hope everyone seems to think I am. Levi, I’m just a person.”

“You are a person. You’re sad and broken. Do you know what Eren?” Levi asked. Moving from his chair to the bed, seeking permission from Eren before sitting down. He sat in front of the brunet, forced him to look into his eyes, “That’s okay. You’re allowed to feel sad. You know that right?”

Eren let out a small whimper, he closed his eyes immediately and squeezed them. It seemed to be a measure to stop himself from crying, but the tears still came. They slipped from his eyes, as he looked up at Levi. “Thank you, I needed that. I feel like such a hypocrite.”

“You are. Not that long ago you were telling me not to be so pathetic.” Levi chuckled, “I never imagine we’d be in different positions a few months later.”

Levi moved forward, “Can I?” He asked as he moved his hand closer to Eren’s.

“Yes.”

The smaller man shuffled himself closer to the crying brunet and wiped a few of his tears away with his thumb. His face was hot and sweaty, something that would usually sicken Levi. He didn’t want to stop touching Eren. He held Eren’s chin in his palm.

“I missed you Eren.”

“I missed you too. I really did.”

“So, you know I like you. But why did you act the way you did before? Why take advantage of my feelings?” Levi felt bad for saying it the way he did, but he wanted an answer. He didn’t want to be fucked around any longer.

“I wanted to see if you’d bite the bait. I’ve been having a tough time, I thought you’d like it if I flirted with you.”

“Well I won’t. I want you to spend time with me because you want to. Eren, I want to get to know you. Not from your tragedies or because you’re some sort of big shot. I want to know the you that’s sat in front on me, vulnerable.”

“You sounds like a creep.” Eren laughed heartily, a smile appearing on his face. A true one, Levi could feel his heart skip a beat. “You’re right. I want to spend more time with you. If you want to?”

“Yes, but don’t pull that shit on me again!” Levi flicked his nose.

Eren recoiled from the flick, rubbing his nose instinctively. “I won’t, I don’t want another flick!” Eren let out another chuckle and relaxed into the bed.

“Netflix?” Levi asked, not wanting Eren to leave just yet. He hadn’t really gotten the answers that he wanted, but for know their conversation would just have to do. He didn’t want to upset Eren any further. They’d have plenty of other opportunities to speak about what had happened and why Eren had looked so terrified. 

“Sure, but no chill. Please!”

Levi grabbed the controller and moved himself so he was sat beside Eren. Keeping a little distance between them, he turned on his TV and went to the documentaries section. “Anything in particular?”

“Whatever you recommend.” Eren shuffled himself closer to Levi, so they were now touching shoulders.

“Hmmm, how about blackfish?”

“Sure.”

“You need anything?” Levi asks, knowing he hadn’t offered Eren anything since they’d got to his house.

“A water? I’m also a little cold.” He rubs his shoulders to emphasis this.

“Sure, I’ll get you some water. I’ve got some jumpers and a dressing gown in my wardrobe, help yourself.” Levi said as he walked out of the room.

He made his way into the kitchen, turning on the tap, grabbing a glass and filling it. He wanted to get back to Eren as quickly as possible, even if it was just to have some time together. He was exhausted already, but was enjoying the company he had.

Erwin gave him a brief wave as he headed back into his room. Once Levi opened the door he saw Eren had made himself at home. The view in front of him made him smile sweetly, letting out a small laugh at the view. “You really were cold, huh?” Levi jokes. He places the water on the table beside Eren.

“Mmmhmm.” Eren sighed softly, looking drowsier as the seconds went on. He patted the space beside him.

Levi made his way over to Eren, pulling the covers up and joining him underneath them. Having the warmth of another person beside him sent shivers up his spine; even more so because it was Eren beside him. It was when he was under the covers that he had noticed Eren had changed his bottoms as well. He’d stolen some of Levi’s jogger bottoms and an old jumper he’d had.

“I know I said to make yourself comfortable, but I never thought you’d be so bold.” Levi said.

Eren stiffened, “I’m sorry… I can change to my clothes. I was really cold…” The brunet pauses.

“Oh no, it’s just. It’s cute...is all. I don’t think anyone has ever worn my clothes before.”

“I was surprised I fit into them… ‘cause you’re so small.” Eren dared to joke about Levi’s height again.

“It’s nice… Now shut up so we can watch this.”

Levi pushed the button on his remote to start the documentary, the pair sharing idle chat during the first half hour or so. Levi froze when he felt Eren slide his head onto his shoulder. He was sure Eren would be able to hear his heartbeat. It felt like it was slamming against his chest.

“Eren?” Levi asked. He waited a moment and heard no reply, straining he looked to see Eren’s eyes had closed. Levi became aware that instead of watching the Tv he was transfixed on Eren. He was now breathing a little heavier than before and he found himself moving his hand to brush through the chocolate locks.

Eren let out a content sigh at the action. Levi found himself in a rhythm of brushing his hand through Eren’s hair until eventually, he felt his own eyes close. His hand fell from Eren’s head and was replaced by his cheek. Smelling the scent of coconuts from the man below him, lulled him into a sleep he had needed for months, maybe even years.  

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eek, sorry it took like a month to update this. Life is super busy at the moment and I find myself unable to invest a good amount of time into this fic. I'm so glad we've finally got some snuggles from the boys though. Hope you enjoyed it as well, I'll try not to have such a huge wait until the next one >.<


	18. Some company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren spend some time together.

Levi woke to the sound of snoring, very loud snoring. He rubbed his eyes of their sleep and yawned. He didn’t remember falling into what seemed like, a very peaceful rest. Something he hadn’t experienced in some weeks. Not one as sound as this sleep had been. He wiped away the little amount of saliva that was on his cheek, feeling a little disgusted at his drool.

When he looked down he saw a mess of auburn locks, he’d forgotten that Eren had spent some time with him this morning. He realised they both must have fallen asleep. He groaned, knowing he’d wasted some of his time with Eren asleep. He had wanted to get to the bottom of why the brunet had been flirting with him so shamelessly. To him, it hadn’t made any sense. Yes, he’d sold his company. Yes, he was clearly confused about what was going on right now. None of it really answered Levi’s questions.

Although, looking at him now. Levi didn’t have the heart to move him. Eren was still fast asleep, he had twitched once or twice when Levi had woken up. He soon snuggled into Levi’s chest, and the feeling made the raven blush. He watched the way Eren groaned and his eyelids fluttered occasionally. He was completely enthralled by Eren’s beauty. It was something he couldn’t explain. He had tried to, but you had to actually look at Eren to see how beautiful he really was.

Levi decided he’d start to whisper, he wanted to talk to Eren. He felt scared too and so he thought it would be best to speak to him as he slept. There was also something about the warmth he was now enveloped in that made him open up. He  _ wanted  _ to open up, even if it was to a sleeping body.  

“This feels weird, but I wanted to talk to you. So, since you’re sleeping this might be the best time. I feel like a failure, I’ve hurt my friends and family in my self destruction. I’ve isolated myself to the point that my own best friend is now my carer. I have no friends, I have no one… It’s hard. It’s really fucking hard trying to say everything is okay. If I don’t, they’ll take me away from the little comforts I have left in life. I don’t think I can handle that.” Levi’s throat felt dry, he gulped.

He felt like he was finally telling someone the truth. He was too scared to tell anyone else. The fear was like a weight on him, Ii had been consuming. “I do like you Eren, I like you more than I probably should. That’s the problem, that’s why I can’t seem to let you go. I’ve tried, I really have. You’re broken… Just like me. Broken people aren’t good together, even as friends. We’d pull each other down to the depths of despair. I know you try to come off as bubbly and light hearted. I see it in you now. It’s taking over your appearance. I can’t help you the way you really need.”

Eren shifted beneath Levi, he wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist and pulled him closer. “Shut up.” The brunet spoke barely above a whisper.

“Hmm?” Levi mumbled, knowing he couldn’t trust himself to speak just yet. Eren had heard him… 

“Just stop. Stop saying you’ll hurt me. You won’t. I won’t let you.”

“Promise me.” Levi said. 

“What?”

“Promise me, I won’t hurt you. If you promise me, I can work with it. I can…” Levi squeezed Eren closer to himself. “We can, we could try?”

Levi hadn’t quite realised what he’d said. His mouth seemed to be moving without his permission, but, it was all honesty. He wanted Eren, he wanted to be with him. Whether that was friendship or a relationship, he’d let Eren choose. All Levi knew for sure was that he wanted the brunet in his life.

“I think that would be nice. I’m still sleepy.”

Levi snuggled back down allowing himself to be enveloped by Eren’s warmth. He wasn’t sure of the time, he had hoped it wouldn’t go too fast. This was something he wanted to cherish. One of those rare moments when he felt like a real person.

 

—-

Levi woke after only half an hour. He felt like his stomach had made its way to his throat, the feeling was raw. As much as he had wanted Eren in his life he was now debating whether this was truly the right thing to do. He often had internal struggles like this, his usual way of getting over these feelings was in the bathroom. If he could move Eren, then he’d be able to get away from his thoughts even if just for a minute.

He felt guilt racking his body, a guilt that was overwhelming. He knew his mind was playing tricks on him, but he would always surrender to them. It was all he had ever known, he was sure it was all he’d ever know as well. He watched Eren below him, his chest rising and falling. He looked peaceful again, just as he had all those months ago.

Although Levi was grateful to have Eren in his life again, he was unsure how their relationship would really work. They’d both been through so much in their lives, it had made him wonder if he’d ever be able to  _ really  _ be with someone else. The thought was both exciting and absolutely terrifying to him.

He gently moved Eren from himself, with little protest from the brunet he managed to untangle their limbs. His mind now in overdrive, both of good and bad thoughts. Levi tried his best to seperate them, the voices so loud in his own mind.

_ I don’t deserve to be happy. _

_ I hate myself. _

_ I will never help anyone. _

_ I’m selfish. _

_ I’m tired, i’m so tired. _

Although these voices were screaming in his head, there were other ones. Some small whispers that were coming through. The ones he tried so hard to listen to, to make out.

_ I want to get better. _

_ I want to be with Eren. _

_ I want to make him happy. _

_ He deserves happiness. _

The voices battled for dominance in his head, the ‘bad’ ones screaming now. Drowning out the hope he had tried to cling on to. Nothing was going to make this better, nothing but the feeling of a blade scratching across his skin. Managing to get out of his own mind he trudged to the bathroom door, opening it as quietly as he possibly could.

Once inside, Levi sat himself on the floor. His eyelids had become heavy, his whole body felt like it was being pressed down. His chest hurt, so much so that his breathing had become laboured. In a reckless measure to try and calm himself down, Levi tore his trousers off . He could feel his head lolling from side to side, eyelids heavy.

The raven had began panting as a way to breathe, small whimpers exiting his mouth. His eyes were now burning, he had to do something to calm down before Eren woke up. With his trousers off he looked down at his marred thighs. Levi put his both his hands on his thighs and began scratching as hard as he could, until his cuts began to bleed.

The blood began to flow from the opening cuts, dripping down his thighs and onto the floor below him. The man had become mesmerised by the view, he could feel his breathing calming. He’d managed to start breathing in through his nose and out of his mouth. As he felt himself coming down from his panic attack. He worried that Eren would come through and catch him.

A part of him had hoped he would. Levi was exhausted, he was tired of hiding himself from the world. Tired of feeling like he was the only person that wouldn’t get over his past. He’d tried so hard to be strong over the past few months, he’d finally let himself fall apart again. His eyes stung as he sat on the bathroom floor.

The door handle moved and Eren walked in, hair sticking in all directions, he lazily wiped his eyes. Eren met Levi’s eyes finally, and Levi felt himself looking away in shame. The brunet sat down on the floor next to Levi.

“Hi,” Eren spoke first, “you seem upset.” He placed his hand out in offering to Levi.

“You shouldn’t touch me.” Levi looked down at his hands, his nails covered in fresh blood. “I’m sorry.”

“C’mon let’s get you washed.” Eren said. As he pulled Levi up onto his feet, he walked him over to the sink and filled it with warm water. “Flannel?” He asked.

Levi pointed to the small cupboard, holding himself up by placing both hands on the counter. Eren quickly moved from his side and opened the cupboard, grabbing a flannel from it. Levi could hear shuffling coming from where Eren was stood, but instead concentrated on keeping himself up. He was still struggling with his previous attack.

When Eren returned to his side, he had also removed his joggers, or rather; Levi’s joggers. The smaller man looked at him in confusion, “What are you do-?” He looked down at Erens bare legs, the word stuck in his mouth. 

“Didn’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

The action was simple, it meant so much to Levi. Even earning Eren a small smile from the man. He could feel his heart warm at the action. Although, Levi was waiting on the moment that Eren would inevitably shout at him for not keeping his promise.

“I didn’t keep your promise.” Levi sai, wanting to get the argument over with as quickly as possible. 

Eren ignored the statement for the time being, instead opting for concentrating on cleaning up Levi’s hands and gently patting his legs. “Do you have a bandage?” He asked.

“Top drawer, left hand side of the bed.” Levi said simply. Still avoiding Eren’s gaze. “I don’t usually bandage them unless they’re really bad though.”

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Eren said, walking away from Levi.

He was gone for less than a minutes before he was back, having Levi stand while he wrapped the bandage around his thigh. “You should look after yourself more. You need to take care of your wounds. I don’t want them getting infected.”

“Why are being so nice to me?” Levi asked, confused. His eyebrows creased together.

“I never understood before, I’m sorry Levi.”

The apology shocked Levi, no one had ever said sorry to him before. They’d always went straight to blaming him and telling him to stop what he was doing. He felt a slight feeling of relief, he’d been worried Eren would start shouting and swearing at him. Instead he was met with a caring and kind gaze, a weak smile accompanied it.

“Why, Why are you saying sorry to me?” Levi managed to ask, he was more confused now than he had been before.

“In the hospital, I told you to stop. You can’t stop, this is all you’ve ever done. It’s all you know. I won’t ask you to stop anymore, it’s not fair for me to do.” Eren held out his hands and took Levi’s in his own, rubbing his thumb across Levi’s knuckles. “But, I want you to talk to me. About anything and everything. Tell me why, if you can. I want to support you.”

Levi felt himself going weak at the knees, he opted to sit on the floor again. His emotions swelling inside of him, instead of his usual self  hatred, he was feeling something else. Something he couldn’t quite place his finger on.

“You’re being so nice to me. Even after I broke my promise…”

“I tried to hurt myself, I wanted to know how you felt. I couldn’t do it, I can only imagine how you must feel inside that head of yours. It was a horrible experience.”

“Eren, no.” Levi spoke softly, feeling a tear slip from his eye.

“It helped me understand you more. More than I ever had before, I was always so angry at you for being ‘selfish’,” He made the quote sign with his fingers, “You’re not selfish at all Levi. You’re just in pain, you’re in so much pain. I’m so sorry.”

The apology had Levi feeling weak again. It had meant so much to him that someone understood how he had felt after all these years. Someone had taken the time to really get to know what was happening, it was the first time in his life. He looked at Eren, bearing himself to him.

“You have no idea what that means to me. You really don’t.” Levi spoke softly, another tear slipping from his eye.

Eren moved from Levi’s side and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around Levi’s waist. It was then that Levi looked down to Eren’s thighs. Beautiful, strong caramel like in colour. There was a large scar that peeked out from his boxers, Levi had guessed this was from the abuse he had endured as a child.

It broke his heart to look at the scar, it looked out of place on Eren’s body. The brunet had caught him staring...again.

“Eren, it’s…” Levi tried to speak, Eren quickly stopped him.

“Don’t tell me it’s beautiful. It’s not.” Eren had clearly heard these words from people before, trying to tell him that his body was beautiful. He could see the anger clear on Eren’s face. Not wanting to hear those words.

“I wasn’t going to. Eren…” Levi paused, looking from Eren’s thigh and back up the man, looking into his eyes as he spoke. “It’s horrific, really horrific. Something like that doesn’t belong on your body. I’m sorry you had to experience pain like that.”

The smaller man moved, like Eren had before he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Eren’s waist. Covering the scar from their view. Levi look up at Eren and wiped away a stray tear from the man’s cheek.

“Let’s get back into bed, I’ll tell Erwin you’re staying the night. If you want I’ll sleep on the couch.” Levi stated. He wasn’t going to let Eren leave the house, not after their conversation. He had felt a connection building with him now, he certainly didn’t want to let it go yet. He wanted to talk more with Eren, about their past. Maybe even their hopes for the future.

“No, stay beside me. Please.” Eren spoke, as they left the bathroom and headed back towards the bed.

Eren quickly got into the bed, pulling the covers over himself, keeping his towel wrapped around his waist. He turned on the TV again and started flicking through the channels. Debating on what to watch.

“I’ll be right back.” Levi spoke.

The smaller man left the room and headed into the kitchen, deciding they both needed something to eat and to drink. He’d never liked eating in his room, yet, considering the atmosphere he didn’t want Eren to move. In that moment, Levi wanted nothing more than to look after Eren, care for him.

He started making two cups of tea for Eren and himself. Making his way to the fridge to so what he could make quickly, he opted for a pizza to share between them. He had hoped Eren wasn’t a fussy eater, but knew they both desperately needed to eat...Even if neither of them really wanted to. As he was turning on the oven, Erwin came out from his bedroom, giving Levi a confused look.

“Everything okay? It’s getting late.” Erwin commented.

“Eren is staying the night. I never ask for favours, but this time I need you to just accept it.” Levi spoke sheepishly.

“Yeah sure. Make sure you’re safe.” Erwin jokes.

“It’s not like that Erwin. He’s having a tough time is all. I don’t want him to leave yet. I’ll speak to you another time about it, if you need to know.”

“Just remember you’re having a tough time too Levi. Don’t neglect yourself.” He lectured.

“I know.”

Levi continued making the tea. Not knowing what Eren liked in his tea either, he put in some milk and one sugar. Stirring it methodically as he waited for the oven to heat up. After a moment the oven ‘pinged’ letting him know he could put the pizza in.

“You staying in here?” Levi asked Erwin.

“Yeah.”

“Shout me when it’s done please.” Levi said as he headed back to his bedroom.

When he walked in he seen Eren was still sat in the same position he was before, flicking through the large amount of movies and TV series on Netflix. When he seen Levi walking in, he sighed loudly.

“I can’t find anything to watch.” He complained.

Levi found himself smiling at the younger man. “There’s hundreds of things to watch, you’re just being picky.” He teased.

“Am not.”

“Okay, why don’t we play something then? You play playstation?” He asked.

“Sure.”

“Resident Evil sound good?”

“As long as we play co-op. I’ll be your healer.” Eren smiled at him, a small smile, but enough that Levi could feel his heart speed up.

He could tell the brunet was only half joking with his comment. Agreeing with Eren to play co-op instead of against each other. He turned on his Playstation and handed him his grey controller. Keeping the black one for himself. The game booted up quickly after Levi had signed in to his account.

“Titan-slayer huh?” Eren jokes.

“Don’t you judge me. I’ve had this account for years... “

“You should add me.”

“What’s your tag?”

“Eren Kruger.”

“I thought your name was Jaeger?” Levi questioned.

“It is, I didn’t want people to find me.” He explains.

“Makes sense. Ready?” Levi asked, as he set up their controls and weapons for the start of the game. Opting for the easier mode, he wanted to see how good Eren really was.

“Let’s do this!” Eren cheered enthusiastically.

Halfway through the first chapter Levi heard Erwin calling his name. “Food must be ready, don’t start without me!”

Levi left the room and raced down the hall, wanting to get back to their game as quickly as he possibly could. As he walked in the kitchen he found Erwin had already cut the pizza into slices and had poured hot water into the cups. Levi gave him a warm smile.

“Thank you.” Levi picked up the two cups and balanced the pizza on his arm. Heading back to his bedroom. Opening the door, he set down the cups on the bedside tables and put the plate down on his bed, cringing internally.

“Get a crumb on my sheets and I’ll kick your ass.” Levi said as Eren reached for a slice.

They both demolished the pizza and Levi took the plate away once they’d finished. When he came back he noticed Eren’s expression; it looked like he had sucked on a lemon.

“What’s up with that face?” He asked, eyebrows creasing.

“Your tea is so bitter!” Eren complained.

“I put a sugar in it! That should be sweet enough.”

“I usually take two.”

“I’ll remember for next time. Although, I thought you’d be sweet enough.” Levi joked half heartedly.                                                                                                                                   

Eren let out a small giggle, appreciating Levi’s choice of humour. The pair got back to playing their game until the early hours of the morning.

At two am, Eren’s head began to fall and his eyes started closing. Levi only picked up on this as his character started walking into walls.

“Eren? Let’s go to sleep. Are you sure you don’t want me to go into the living room? I don’t mind.” Levi spoke, loud enough that Eren would be able to understand what he said.

“I want you here. Please.”

“Okay,” Levi said as he got out of the bed, moving to the other side to help Eren out in a his state of obvious exhaustion. “C’mon, you’re not sleeping in my bed without brushing your teeth first.”

“Mmm, didn’t bring a toothbrush.”

“I’ve got a spare.” Levi said as he threw Eren’s arm over himself and helped him into the bathroom, his towel falling to the floor as he got up.

Heading into the bathroom, Levi grabbed his own toothbrush and fumbled through the cupboard for a spare one, handing it to Eren. They both brushed their teeth in silence, before heading sleepily back to the bedroom.

Without thinking Levi pulled off his top, before glancing down at himself in shame. Eren noticed his change in behaviour and took his own t shirt off. Discarding it on the floor beside his towel.

“I don’t mind. Come here.” Eren said sleepily, as he jumped into the bed and patted the space beside him.

“I’m disgusting…” Levi said.

Instead of jumping into the bed, he walked to his wardrobe and pulled out a large long sleeved top and some pyjama bottoms. As he pulled the covers back and stepped into the bed, he tried to put as much space between himself and Eren.

“Don’t do that. Come closer.” Eren turned to face him. “I think we’ve crossed the boundary of friends right now.”

“I-uh, I’m not sure what to say to that.”

“Don’t think about it too much.” Eren pulled Levi close to him. Nuzzling his nose into Levi’s neck. The feeling was comforting to Levi, as he rested his head on top of Eren’s head and closed his eyes.

Heeding Eren’s advice, he didn’t think too much about what had been said. Although, he was surprised at how needy Eren was being. It wasn’t the time to ask about it yet. For now, he was happy to have some company, something he truly didn’t think he had ever had. Nothing had ever felt like _ this  _ before. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was slightly longer, but I decided to cut it down a little. The next chapter felt like it didn't really fit in with this.   
> Also to all the new people who've left me kudos - thank you so much!! It's really helped motivate me to continue.   
> I hope you're all enjoying the story so far, it's so nice to write about them being 'together'.   
> <3


	19. An Interview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi gets and interview, Eren needs some space.

By the time Levi had woke up, Eren had been long gone. He could tell by the lack of warmth in his bed, it was definitely colder than he had become used to. He could feel his stomach drop, not understanding why he would leave with no word. He felt betrayed…

It seemed like this was becoming a habit between the pair, each time they’d meet, they’d become closer. Then for some reason or another they’d be torn apart. Levi was getting tired of this dance they were doing. Rather than dwelling on his feelings he looked at his phone, curious of the time. 

The display blinding him, he managed to read the time ‘13.55’ he’d clearly slept in. His phone had two notifications that demanded attention. Levi rubbed at his eyes before they became accustomed to the light on the screen. Opening his messages his heart skipped a little as one was from Eren. 

**Eren**

_ Sorry I left, read the letter. Speak soon x  _

The small message instantly made Levi feel better about his departure and as much as he wanted to look for the letter he knew he should read the other message as well. 

**Unknown Number**

_ You missed 1 call from this number at 13.25, dial 121 to listen to Voicemail.  _

Not knowing who it was, Levi clicked on the numbers and listened to the voicemail.

_ Hello Mr. Ackerman, this is Rico from Signe Paints, I was hoping you could give me a call back in regards to your recent application. Thanks, bye.  _

Levi listened to the voicemail a further 3 times before fully believing that someone was contacting him in regards to his application, granted, it might’ve been just to give him some advice. But nonetheless he couldn’t contain his excitement at the mere opportunity. With shaking hands he typed the number into his phone  

After two rings someone picked up the phone, voice chirpy and friendly. 

“Good afternoon, Signe Paints, Serah speaking. How can I help?” 

“H-hi, my name is Levi. Rico called me about my application.” Levi tried to keep his voice steady. 

“Sure, I’ll get her for you.” 

After being on hold for less than a minute, he felt his nerves surfacing. 

“Hello Mr. Ackerman, I was hoping you’d be able to come in for an interview, how does Tuesday sound?”

“Y-yeah. Sounds good. What time?”

“Let’s make it 2pm. I look forward to meeting you.” 

“Yes you too, thank you.” 

Levi hung up, cheeks sore from smiling. He had his first interview in years. He was giddy and nervous, he then remembered he needed to look for a letter in his room. Jumping up from his bed, he looked at the cabinet and found the letter he was looking for. It was folded in half. He picked it up, folding it in his hands. Worried about the contents. 

Leaving the letter on the bed, he went to the kitchen, made himself some tea. Hurriedly stirring the tea he grabbed his cup and headed back to his room. Ready to read the letter that had his heart beating in his throat. 

Unfolding it, he stared at the words blankly before starting to read from the beginning. 

_ Levi,  _

_ You were sleeping so soundly I didn’t have the heart to wake you. Sorry I left so suddenly, it happens sometimes. Particularly after sleeping… I have nightmares.  _

_ Nightmares that never leave me. It’s about her. I just can’t be near anyone when they happen. So I isolate myself. I’m sorry…  _

_ I still want to be with you. If you’ll let me. I just have some baggage as well. You know some of it already.  _

_ I have a couple of things to do over the next few days. I need to sort myself out, get some things in order.  _

_ I hope you can understand. I have a place we could stay for a few nights if you’d like? When I come back.   _

_ -Eren x _

Levi was annoyed to begin with. But he understood, as much as it had pained him. He knew he’d have to let Eren have some space. After all, they’d had a lot of physical contact and that must’ve been hard for him. 

His thighs still hurt from the night before, he looked at the bandages Eren had wrapped around him. They offered a little comfort to him. Levi got himself showered and decided to study for his interview. Wanting to know as much about the shop as he possibly could. He was eager to impress. 

Before heading away to study he quickly typed a reply to Eren and decided he would wait for the brunet to approach him again. 

**Levi**

_ I’m here when you need me.  _

_ —-  _

The last few days had felt torture to Levi. All he had wanted was to speak to Eren, to tell him about his interview and how nervous he was. He’d spoken to Isabel and Erwin about it, he’d even spoken to Mike during his therapy sessions. 

But once Tuesday morning has rolled around he suddenly felt sick. He couldn’t stop himself from sweating, the previous excitement for his interview was long gone. Levi tried to eat in the morning, but could only handle a couple of spoonfuls of his cereal. He had spent the last few days studying about paint and techniques, so he could hopefully answer all of their questions. 

He dressed in a simple suit, combed his hair and headed towards the living room, knowing Erwin would be waiting for him. He gave himself another once over in the mirror before grabbing his phone and walking out of his bedroom. 

“Erwin, I’m ready.” Levi called as he walked into the room. 

“No problem,” Erwin called before entering the room himself, “You look nervous.” 

“Can you really tell?” 

“Yes. You look like you’re constipated…” 

“Fuck, fuck. I knew I wasn’t ready for this, this is too much.” 

Levi started to panic, he could feel his body heat up to an uncomfortable temperature. He felt like he was in a sauna, suddenly he was no longer in the room with his friend. He was alone, the walls closing in on him, causing him to pant and whimper pathetically. The pressure on his chest was becoming unbearable, he gasped desperately for air. Levi’s eyes began to water uncontrollably, he blinked a few times to try and clear his vision. It was as if he was under water. 

Trying his best to bring himself to his senses, he felt himself falling to the floor. He hit his knees on the way down, the feeling and pain bringing him back to the room. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing, panting like a dog. 

“Levi, it’s okay. I’m here.” 

He could hear the voice at the back of his head. It annoyed him, he wasn’t okay. He was clearly not okay, yet this voice kept telling him over and over again that he was fine. He gritted his teeth, grinding them against each other. The sound making him cringe, as he was collapsed on the floor he felt someone move him and place his back against something solid. 

Once he felt the coolness on his back, he felt his temperature come down, the walls moving away from him. His breathing finally settling down and he could hear clearly again. Opening his eyes again, he was surprised when he could see clearly. Erwin was sat in front of him with a glass of iced water, he held it out to Levi to take. 

“You back?” He asked. 

“Y-yeah. But do me a favour, Erwin.” Levi’s voice betrayed his want to be angry.

“Sure.” 

“Don’t ever tell me I’m okay during something like that again. I am  _ not _ okay when I’m going through that shit.” 

“I’m sorry, it’s just awkward. I never know what to say or how to calm you down. I mean, it was clear you were panicking but your face was so pale. I ju- I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine, just don’t do it again.” 

“Okay.” 

Erwin left Levi on the floor for a few minutes, wanting to have some space between the two. He was aware that Levi could get agitated after a panic attack. His interview was in less than an hour and he needed him to calm down as much as he could. 

Feeling more like himself again, the raven finished his iced water and placed the glass on the top of the counter. Picking himself up from the floor and wiping down his suit, he headed to sit on the couch. Approaching Erwin with uncertainty, he knew he’d always get nippy after having an emotional episode. 

“I didn’t mean to snap. You know that right?” 

“Of course I do. But what should I do if it happens again? Do I get help, phone the therapist get a doctor in?” Erwin questioned, clearly upset with himself. 

“No nothing, just give me space. Get me some water and let me come out of it naturally.” 

“I’ll try. I know you’ve told me before to give you space. It’s so difficult to just watch you go through that. Why is there nothing I can do?” Erwin asked the question more to himself than Levi. 

The question hurt Levi, he knew all Erwin had ever wanted to do was to help, but sometimes he didn’t need the help. He just needed space, to get away from everything around him. That was the issue when he was around Erwin now, he was always trying to help him, trying to ‘calm him down’. It gave the raven the confidence he needed to get up and go to that interview. 

He needed out of that damn house, away from Erwin. 

He adored Erwin, but living with him was becoming near impossible, he felt like he was under watch 24/7. Although it had become much better than had been when he first moved in, he craved for his freedom. Levi knew he’d become better under the watch of Erwin, but he felt it was time to move on. If he stayed here, in this house, he felt he’d never truly get better.

He wanted to get better, wanted to spend more time with Eren. Get to know him without having to stay in his room like a teenager. It was more than embarrassing for him having Eren stay over and having to ‘ask’ Erwin to understand. 

“Let’s go.” He said, ignoring what Erwin had previously said. 

“What?” The blond asked. 

“Let’s go, I want to get this over with. Besides, you know how much I hate it when people aren’t on time. It would be hypocritical for me to be late for this interview. It’s the only thing that’s been keeping me sane over the past few days. I look forward to not having to study paint. That shit is boring.” 

“Okay.” Erwin replied, standing up and grabbing his keys. 

\---

Levi walked into the store, his head held high. He was hoping he’d come off as confident and not cocky, although he knew he’d have to hold back on the ‘typical’ interview questions. Such as ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ He’d have to hold back his sarcasm of wanting to reply with a simple, ‘alive.’ Funnily enough he didn’t think they’d appreciate his humour. 

As he walked through the door, the bell above it rang in an annoying sound. The store was a lot simpler than he had imagined. There was no photographs online of it, he introduced himself to the person at the till and she had asked for him to walk around until the Rico was ready to interview him. 

Having walked down a few of the aisles he spent a bit of time looking at the different types of paint. He listened to the sounds of the machines in the back of the warehouse, mixing and shaking. The sound of the doorbell going as more customers walked in, happy chattering from the staff members. Oddly through all of the noise he found himself relaxing slightly. 

“Mr. Ackerman?” A voice called from the front counter.

Levi made his way towards the counter and tried his best to give the woman stood there a warm smile, he extended his hand to shake hers. Her grip was firm and full of authority.

“Nice to meet you. Rico?” He asked. 

“Yes, right this way please.” 

Levi was lead behind the counter and through the office to the managers room. He was introduced to another member of staff: her assistant manager called Moblit. 

He smiled and shook his hand as he took the available seat. It was a small office, painted in a purple colour on two walls the other two left white. There was information all over the walls, names of people and figures beside them. He noticed a few ‘thank you’ cards on one of the boards. 

“Please Mr. Ackerman, take a seat.” 

“Thank you, also Levi is fine.” He spoke, surprised with how he sounded so confident. 

The interview continued and Levi shared some of his previous experiences, how he felt about getting back into work. He tried to sell himself as much as he could and managed to keep on a fake smile. 

After 40 minutes the interview ended and he was thanked for his time, Rico assured him that he’d hear back from her in a few days. 

After leaving the store he took a deep breath that he wasn’t aware he was holding in. Once out he looked around for Erwin, he was sure he’d be around somewhere. Levi pulled out his phone ready to call his friend when a notification popped up on his screen. 

**Eren**

_ Hey, heard about your interview. Good luck! X  _

He let himself smile at the text, it was the first time Eren had messaged him in a few days. 

**Levi**

_ Thank you. I’ve just got out, I don’t think I got the job but it was good practice.  _

Although Eren had often given him little ‘X’s during their recent messages Levi felt like he couldn’t commit to something as personal as that. He knew they had become more than friends since their last meeting, but he didn’t want to do anything that would make Eren uncomfortable. He knew the abuse he had endured and wanted to make sure Eren would take his time with his recovery. 

Looking up from his phone he seen Erwin waving at him from his car. He jogged over and smiled before getting into the passenger's seat. 

“So, how did it go?” Erwin asked as soon as Levi had got in the car. 

“Okay, I don’t think I got the job, but I’m happy I didn’t freak out during it.” 

“Well, regardless. You done well to come out at all. Let’s get you back home.” 

_ Home,  _ Let thought. He hadn’t really had a home in so long, he hoped to the stars that he had got that job. At least then he’d at least be able to start saving for somewhere he could really call his home, even if it was something small. Just somewhere he could call his own. 

\---

Levi’s phone rang and he froze when looking at the screen, it was from Rico. He felt his palms becoming sweaty but answered with a shaky voice. 

“He-hello?” 

“Is this Levi Ackerman?”

“Yes, speaking.” Levi caught himself from shaking, instead opting to walk around his room. Pacing. 

“It’s Rico, from  _ Signe Paints  _ how’re you?” She asked, tone neutral. 

“I’m good, thanks. You?” 

“Good, I just wanted to give you some feedback in regards to your interview.” 

There it was. Feedback, Levi knew in that moment that he had been unsuccessful and his heart sank. It was to be expected, of course he wouldn’t have gotten the first job he applied for. 

“Y-yes, of course.” 

“You came off as a little nervous to begin with, we can work on that. However, once settled into the interview you gave us good explanations and you seemed like a very passionate individual.” Rico took a break for a second. 

“Yeah, I was nervous. I’m sorry.” 

“No need to apologise, I was hoping you’d come and work for us?” 

Levi felt himself freeze, stood in place. A large smile etched its way onto his face. Eyes glistening,  _ was this a dream?  _

“Absolutely, yes. I’d love to work for you.” 

“Excellent, I’ll send out the papers and be in touch soon.” 

Rather than run straight to Erwin to let him know of his success. Levi decided to bask in the excitement that it had given him. Someone was finally going to give him a chance, something he get like he hadn’t been given before. 

He was determined he was going to work hard for his new boss. He already wanted to make her proud and he hadn’t even spent that much time with her yet. Something in the back of his mind lit up. 

Hope. 

It was hope. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering Signe paints is said like Sina :) See what I did there...   
> Anyway, thanks for sticking by. I know these updates are rather sporadic, but we're getting to the good stuff soon =D


	20. Working and conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long since you got an update. I work on this fic when I can, but it is taking the back burning right now. I have a lot of personal things going on in life and I'm wanting to get them out of the way. So yeah, I'm working on this I swear. Bear with me? Only 1 more chapters left =D

Eren sat in the familiar room, already too tired to really speak about anything. Yet, he still found himself holding back his tears while trying to talk about the trauma he’d endured for so long.

“Take your time, Eren. I know it must be difficult. Anything you feel like you need to talk about, just let it out.” The therapist in front of him spoke. 

Eren felt like he was becoming a different person. He was no longer as hopeful as he had previously been. He was starting to understanding what Levi had felt like when he wanted to die… When he had tried to kill himself. 

He pulled his legs up to his face, resting his chin on his knees, taking a few deep breaths before he began to speak again. 

“I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m tired, I’m so exhausted. I’m trying to go out and to make new friends but my past holds me back, I feel like it will  _ always _ hold me back. The person that I enjoy spending time with is suicidal. I want to help him.” 

“Sometimes others can’t be helped by friends and family. They need to seek someone from a medical background.” The therapist tried to offer their support. 

“But I want it to be me who supports him. I know that’s selfish, but if I could make someone else feel like they deserve to be alive. I think.” Eren pursed his lips, “I think I could find happiness in my own life.” 

“Eren, that’s a lot for one person to take on. Sometimes we want to be the hero, but we can’t always be the hero if there’s too much going on in that person’s life. You will just have to accept that.” 

“Aren’t you supposed to be helping me?!” Eren raised his voice. 

Every session went the same with the doctor they’d tell him he couldn’t help someone else until he helped himself. He didn’t want to help himself, he was fine. He  _ needed  _ to be with someone else, anyone but his family and close friends. 

He felt like he’d spoken to them all about the accident each time he’d seen them. It had become exhausting quickly. The same details spoken about time and time again. Of course, he knew people were only trying to help but all he had wanted to do was to move on. 

Moving on was difficult when your past was being brought up time and time again. Eren let out a frustrated sigh. Forgetting momentarily where he was. Of course they’d pick up on the sigh. 

“Something on your mind?” Hange asked. 

“I’m tired of talking about my father and his fucked up mind. I’m exhausted of people asking me about it every time they see me. I’m more than an accident.” Eren spoke the words before he’d really had a chance to think about them. 

“Then tell them.” 

“No one wants to listen. They all want to hear about Mikasa, my mother and father's death. How fucked up are people to want to talk about that? Yes I saw a brief glimpse of my sister just before she died. That image fucking haunts me now.” 

The brunet instantly shut his mouth realising what he’d just said. As he done so, he remembered exactly what Mikasa had looked like moments before they crashed. Screaming and shouting for Grisha to slow down or stop, her face red with anger and fear. Moments before everything turned black he remember her looking at him. A single tear slipping from her eye and she smiled. She stopped screaming and fucking smiled at him.  

It was one of those smiles that people give when they know something terrible is going to happen, that ‘sympathy smile’. Eren wracked through his brain for a reason as to why his sister would smile at him in that moment. He wondered if she knew that she was going to die. 

He knew the answer...Because he had thought it too.

“Eren?” The therapist's voice brought him back. 

“Mmm? Sorry, just daydreaming. I think we’re done.” He said as he stood up and pulled his jacket from the back of his chair, pulling it around his shoulders.

“We still have another thirty minutes. Take a seat.” The Dr. motioned back towards the chair. 

“Doctor, I think you forget I pay you, not the other way around. Think of it as a paid break, maybe even a tip.” Eren walked out of the door without saying anything further. He could hear them trying to get his attention, but he ignored them.  

His mind was currently racing, he had one of these attacks before. It felt like he was becoming detached from his own body. Floating almost. Walking out of the doctors office he waved goodbye to the blond receptionist. 

Heading towards the taxi rank, he grabbed the first one available and told the driver his address hastily, wanting to get home as soon as possible. 

His mind was once again in overdrive, he’d told Levi he needed space. Since he’d stayed the night the pair had been texting a few times a day. It was the only thing that kept Eren going recently. 

He was avoiding the tasks he really needed to do, before he could truly be with Levi. The first thing was to speak to Armin. He’d been avoiding the blonde ever since their last conversation. 

He couldn’t get the words out of his head. Of course he loved Armin, he just wasn’t in love with him. He’d never known Armin to have had any feelings towards him, he’d always kept quiet. 

The taxi pulled to a stop outside of Eren’s apartment, he handed the money over and stepped out. Taking a deep breath he pulled out his phone and dialled the person he knew he couldn’t avoid any longer. 

After a few rings, someone picked up on the other side. “Hello? Eren?” 

“Hi Armin, I’m sorry it’s been so long. We should probably talk. I’m at my new apartment, I’ll text you the address. Could you, would you come over?” Eren could hear the uncertainty in his voice. 

“Uhh, yeah sure. I think we need to have a chat.” 

“I’ll see you in a few hours then?” 

“Yeah.” 

Eren heard the phone go dead, knowing Armin must’ve hung up. Putting his phone back into his pocket he made his way up to his apartment. He lived on the second floor. 

As he made his way up the stairs, he felt his phone vibrate again. He ignored it until he walked through his door. The smell of fresh linen hit him as soon as he walked in. Taking another deep breath, he turned on his kettle and pulled out his phone. Idiotically smiling at the name that appeared. 

**Levi**

_ First day at work today. Customers are hard work. It was good to be out of the house though. How have you been?  _

Little messages like this always brightened the brunets day, it meant his friend was thinking about him. He could feel the tips of his ears going red as he thought of the raven. 

**Eren**

_ That’s your job now, helping people… lol. Okay day, back from therapy. Going to sort out some things today. x _

Eren left it at that, not wanting to dive into too much information. He wanted Levi to know that he was still trying to get things in order, so they could spend some time together. He was desperate to take Levi away somewhere. Maybe to the Lake District? Or a beach, maybe go skiing with him. The possibilities were endless when it came to taking his friend away somewhere. 

Eren texted Armin his address, hoping it wouldn’t take he blond too long to get to his house. He wanted this over with as soon as possible. He missed talking to his childhood friend, telling him about everything that had happened. 

They used to message each other often, but it all stopped after the confession. The confession that could, potentially, ruin their friendship. Eren wanted to avoid that outcome as much as possible. He just hoped that Armin would understand. 

He’d make him see how good Levi is for him. Despite his depression, Levi was a lovely, kind and caring person. He’d had a hard life, the cards dealt to him were poor. Eren was sure he could change that, he could give him another deck. 

Pouring out the hot water, he made himself a strong coffee and sat on his couch. Turning on the tv to some youtuber that he wasn’t really paying attention to. His phone buzzed again. 

**Levi**

_ Good luck with everything. I’m just on the other end of the phone if things get too much.  _

Eren felt that, right in his stomach. Fucking butterflies, again. He couldn’t fathom why people thought Levi was such a bad influence. He really was an amazing man. 

That’s all it took for Eren to feel confident in his decision to speak to Armin. He knew what he wanted. He just needed to be able to say it when his friend was in front of him. Which is easier said than done. 

A few hours later, Eren heard a knock at his door. A familiar knock… Armin. Looking back down at the text he’d found himself staring at for the past half hour. He stood up and answered the door. 

As he opened it, he was took by surprise. Armin looked… horrific. He clearly hadn’t slept, he could tell by the massive bags underneath his eyes. His hair was thrown back into a messy bun. The clothes he wore weren’t his typical attire. A simple hoody and sweater bottoms. 

“Come… come in.” Eren said. 

Armin made his way through and sat gingerly on the end of his couch. Eren followed, sitting on the other side. For a few moments, they just sat in silence. Unsure of what they should say to each other. 

“I’m, I’m sorry Eren. I never should’ve said those things to you.” Armin confessed. 

Eren looked at him. He gave him a small smile. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I acted the way I did. We probably should’ve spoke about it more.” 

“Yes. That’s why I’m here.” 

“I agree. So, tell me. Talk to me Armin, I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too Eren. After I told you I loved you,” Armin visibly flinched at the memory, “I realised something. Something that fucked me up.” 

Eren moves from his seat and sat closer to Armin, he put a hand on his thigh. Trying to comfort his friend. “It’s okay. You can tell me.” 

“Eren. I don’t think I love you. I mean, I do. But not like a lover. I’m jealous. I’m jealous of Levi.” Armin let out a sigh of frustration. 

“Why?” Was all Eren could ask. 

“I’ve been in your life for years. Sure, we haven’t exactly been as close as we used to be. But when I seen you with Levi, I could feel the jealousy bubbling up inside of me. It’s because it reminded me of what I used to have with you. Eren, we used to be best friends. It took us years to get to that point, yet it seems like you feel that way about Levi within a few weeks.”

Eren was taken aback by Armin’s words. He still kept his hand on his friends thigh, he creased his eyebrows together and forced Armin to look at him. 

“You’re my best friend. You. No one else, no one could even come close to it. What I feel for Levi is different. To me he’s, well he’s special.” Eren felt himself blush at the words. “I mean, he makes me feel worthwhile. Everyone keeps talking about how they need to fix him. Or that he needs to fix himself but…” 

Armin cut him off, looking at him with concern. “Eren, don’t you dare say he doesn’t need fixed. He’s fucked up, you know that right?!” 

Eren moved his hand this time, he recoiled from Armin. Shocked by his harsh words. “Stop it! Fucking stop it!” He screamed his anger getting the better of him. 

“What?! I’m right! You know I am.” Armin became harsher, his eyes fierce. Although he kept his voice even. 

“No, you’re not. Listen to me.” Eren glared at him, begging him to just listen. “He is not broken, he doesn’t need fixing. He’s hurt, deeply hurt. He’s in need of care.” 

Armin froze. “Wow.” Was all he could come up with. The shock was clear on his face, all his previous colour had completely drained. 

“I don’t expect you to understand. What I need you to know is that if you want to be in my life. You’re going to have to accept that Levi will be in it too. I wont change that.” 

Armin looked away from Eren, unsure of how to respond. He opened and closed his mouth a few times. Eren let him, although, he continued giving him a stern look. 

“I… I don’t like it. But, I can understand. If that’s what you want, I’ll try not to stand in the way of it.”  Armin was clearly struggling with this agreement, even though he wanted nothing more than for Eren to be happy. 

“Thank you Armin. You know I wouldn’t want to have to stop being friends with you, or to remove you from my life entirely. I would though. You would’ve left me with no choice.” 

“I can’t believe if it came to it, you would chose him over me.” Armin said. 

“I can’t believe you’d try something so petty.” Eren retorted. He knew Armin was trying to keep his cool, he could tell by the way his face had gone red, all the colour returning with a vengeance.. The way he was balling his hands into tight fists. But he couldn’t give Armin what he’d wanted. After all, the pair had grown apart just as his friend had said. 

Once upon a time, Eren might’ve even been able to believe that they could be a couple. A lot of people had speculated it when they were growing up.  _ ‘Two teenage boys shouldn’t be that close’  _ they’d whisper when they thought no one was listening. 

Eren would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it. At one point he was even going to ask Armin to take things further. His feelings now weren’t even close to what they had been previously. He liked Armin, but he couldn’t see him as anything more than a friend and although Armin had taken back his claim of love. Eren had thought it was a little odd the way he had done it. Why had he even say something like that in the first place if it wasn’t true? 

“I know you’re angry. I can tell so don’t even try to hide it Armin. But whatever you have to say about Levi. I don’t want to hear it. Everyone has the same opinion when it comes to him. It’s no wonder he feels as lonely as he does. It’s people like you who force him to feel like that.” 

“That’s fucking harsh Eren and you know it. There’s no need to protect him the way you are. He’s like some precious being to you. You hardly even know him. I’ve seen plenty of people like him on the path of destruction and let me tell you.” Armin moved from his seat and stood up, looking down at Eren, “There’s no changing that.” 

“I’ve had enough of this. We’re not getting anywhere. I don’t know why you told me you loved me in the first place. But none of this makes any fucking sense.” Eren stood up as well, not wanting Armin to play his mind tricks on him.

Eren know what his blond friend was trying to do, he was trying to make it look like he was in a place of power. What's worse, is that Armin knew Eren hated that, he was purposely pissing him off. His attitude seemed to change so quickly recently, it wasn't like him. 

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve regretted it ever since.” Armin’s words came out like venom, he wanted to hurt Eren. 

“Good. Now get out of my house. If you want to be my friend, or you don’t want  _ me  _ to do something I might regret. I suggest you leave. I need to calm down.” 

Armin said nothing else as he moved away from Eren and left his house. Slamming the door on his way out. “Well, that didn’t really go to plan, did it?” Eren asked to no one in particular. He was frustrated that he couldn’t keep his anger in check. He also know that Armin was taking the piss out of him and he couldn’t stand that. 

Having enough of everything, Eren knew what he wanted to do. At least for a few days, he wanted to go away somewhere. Away from everything and everyone. He was tired of dealing with the same shit day in and day out. His therapist had previously mentioned that it might be good for him to go away for a few days and it was definitely sounding nice right about now. 

The only issue was, he didn’t want to go alone. Although he was tired of everything, he knew what he wanted. He just hoped the other person would feel the same. He pulled out his phone, smiling at his last message from Levi. It wasn’t right what people said about him, Levi really was a caring person. He was just in need of some love. It was as simple as that.   
  


\--- 

Levi rang up another customers goods, he was getting tired already and he hadn’t been working for that long. Only a few hours, but it was more than enough when people were being so tight. In the past hour he must’ve explained the difference between paint to different customers at least 4 times. It was quickly becoming frustrating. But he needed this job, even more so he needed the money that it paid. 

If he was to ever get rid of Erwin, he would just have to suck it up and get on with each day as it arrived. He didn’t want to get fired and he certainly didn’t want to lose his temper in front of the customers. 

The only thing that really kept him smiling during the day were the small messages he’d received from Eren. Anything from Eren would cheer him up, although he’d never admit it to anyone. He was becoming a lot more comfortable with Eren now, it was becoming much easier to message him, before he would’ve been questioning every word but now he sent it with a smile on his face.

After he’d explained to the customer that “No, I can’t discount it. I don’t care what they’re doing down the road.” He asked if he could go out for a short break. In reality he just wanted to get away from people and collect his thoughts. 

Levi left the store for a couple of minutes, grateful for the fresh air. He walked around the shop grounds a couple of times. Managing to calm himself down enough to go back in and face the general public again. ‘It’s only a few more hours’ he thought. He could do this. It was only his first day of work after all. The first few weeks of starting anything new was always difficult. 

He went back inside and finished his shift for the day. Once 4pm turned up, he was already absolutely exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home and avoid everyone for the time being. That included Erwin, who was unfortunately coming to pick him up once he’d finished. In the staff room Levi was called for by his new boss. 

He walked into her office, dreading what she could say. Of course he’d done something wrong. It was his first day, it was typical that he’d fuck up so soon. Heart sinking, he sat down in the chair across from her. “Well, Levi. Tell me how do you think today went?” 

“I know I made a lot of mistakes and I’m sorry about that. I know I can work harder than I have today, it’s just very frustrating starting a new job and not knowing anything. It’s something I’m not used to.” 

“Levi, you push yourself too much. For your first day, you’ve done very well. I’m very impressed with how quick you are picking things up. I’m sure in a few weeks time you’ll feel much more at ease.” Rico spoke calmly. It was in a tone that Levi could tell she was being genuine. 

“Thank you Rico, I appreciate it. I’ll do my best.” Levi found his own voice annoying, he was aware that he sounded like he was sucking up to her. That was definitely something Levi didn’t usually do. 

“That’s all we ever ask for. Now get yourself going, I’ll see you again tomorrow.” 

Levi left her office feeling much better than he had previously, he was so worried that he had been doing something wrong. To hear it from the boss that he was doing a good job just boosted his self esteem. It was definitely something he needed to hear. After today he was sure that she’d see him as useless and want someone else. Someone happier and chirpier.  

After leaving he walked into the car park and spotted Erwins car, engine still running. He made his way over and opened the passengers side. Erwin cocking his head to the side like a fucking dog. Levi glared at him before speaking. 

“It went fine, drive. I’m tired.” 

“Well, you’re no fun!” Erwin complained. 

“I don’t care. I’ll tell you all about it in a weeks time when I’m still not making stupid mistakes.”

“You’re being too harsh on yourself.” 

“Just drive, please?” 

“Only because you said please.” Erwin smiled at Levi before his attention went to driving and maneuvering out of the space. 

It was a short journey back home, but the silence was already annoying Levi. He knew he was just wound up from having to deal with so many stupid people but it still bothered him. All he wanted was to get home and have a nice long shower...and talk to Eren.

But mainly the shower...Definitely not speaking to Eren. 

Oh, who was he kidding he wanted to speak to Eren. He’d be itching of texting him all day but knew he wouldn’t be able to reply instantly. If Eren needed him he wanted to be there for him. They were both going through a rough time and although Eren tried to play off his problems, Levi could definitely tell there was something going on in his mind. 

Once they arrived to Erwin’s house, Levi excused himself and went directly to his room. Taking his clothes off and placing them into his laundry basket, instantly feeling better about getting out of his ‘work’ clothes. Which consisted of a dark jumper he had and dark jeans, since they hadn’t ordered anything for him yet. 

Before getting into the shower he picked up his phone and sent Eren a short message. Within seconds he’d received one back. Eren was speaking with Armin tonight, Levi felt a hit to his stomach when reading the message. 

He knew he shouldn’t be jealous of Armin, but he was worried that Eren would see more in Armin than he would in Levi. It would really break him now if the brunet decided that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with Levi. Although they’d never really spoken about it with each other. They’d only acknowledged that they were definitely more than friends. 

The more Levi thought about it, the more Levi wanted to be with Eren. He wanted someone to hold and comfort, someone to speak to after a crappy day. Someone to maybe even be intimate with some day. The thought was very much foreign to him, but with Eren he could possibly understand it. Although with Eren’s past, he wanted to make sure that he would never overstep any boundary that Eren might put up. He could be with him, regardless of anything else. As long as Eren wanted to be around Levi, Levi would do anything to keep it that way. 

After an hour or so of anxious waiting, Levi’s phone rang. It was Eren. They hardly ever spoke on the phone. Within the second ring Levi answered. 

“E-Eren? Is everything okay?” Levi spoke cautiously. 

“Let’s go away somewhere. Together.”

“What are you talking about?” 

“I want to take you somewhere. Away from everyone and everything. Come with me Levi?”

“Okay. I’ll need to ask work.”

“We’ll work something out.” 

Levi could hear the smile in Eren’s voice and it gave him a whole load of butterflies. For Eren, if it meant risking his job, he’d do it. He wanted to go away with Eren, he just hoped they could do without it disrupting his new job. 

“I’ll ask Rico tomorrow.”

“I’ll come over. Pick you up… tonight. Levi, I need to see you.” 

“Okay. I’m here.” 

  
  



End file.
